U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Great Debates
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
 
Old 01-25-2011, 11:11 AM
 
6,455 posts, read 9,509,501 times
Reputation: 10764

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonathan29 View Post
I would like to give you all a different perspective into having children in your 40s....I'm a child of parents who were in their 40s when they had me.

It's miserable to say the least. You're doing your children a huge injustice by having them at that stage in life and I'll give you specific reasons why.

All my years of growing up, all I can remember is non-energetic parents who were "too tired" or "too mature" to do some of the fun things children enjoy. It really wasn't fair, do I sit here and cry about it no....even though it sounds like I am.

It literally takes over your life down the road as you want to move out and live your life. You begin to think...if I were to move now...in my mid 20s...I come back in 5 years, my parents are now over 70 years old. I'll have missed the final "good years" of their life and unfortunately miss out on the best years of my own in the process.

Looking down the road, I see the early burden of taking care of my parents at a young age. Hampering raising my own children because they didn't want children when they were my age. They wanted to go out and have fun instead.......

I realize for some people things are different. People meet later in life, people can't have kids then finally become blessed. However, don't be selfish in this stage in life. At the very least, make the effort to be the energetic parent when you're in your mid 50s and they want to play some ball with you. Don't hold them back when your in your 60s with guilt when they want to go explore the world in their 20s after college. They will feel guilty when they come back in their early 30s and you're in a wheelchair or god forbid pass away.

Just please think twice before putting another human being in this position. Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel? Do you really want to be doing the whole soccer mom thing at age 58? Or walking your daughter down the aisle when you're 75? Not being around long enough for your grandchildren to even remember you....
I tried to trim down the quote, but I can't because it's ALL so relevant!!! My sis and BIL were 40 and 52 when they had their first.... TRIPLETS. You damn well better believe I warned them all you said above. And it's all coming true. I remember one day my sister saying it will be nice to have the kids take care of them when they're old, to which I replied, "how selfish of you to expect that when they'll barely be 20 and trying to establish a career and their own families." They obviously didn't think about very hard about it.

SELFISH, SELFISH, SELFISH!!!!

 
Old 01-25-2011, 11:12 AM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,571 posts, read 42,741,316 times
Reputation: 57249
I get what you are saying, Johnathan, but you would choose not to be born, rather than to be born to older parents?
I had my kids young, but I know I would have been a much bettter mother had I been more mature than I was. I was too busy to do much with them, even though I was younger. Now, when I'm a grandmother, I wish I still had some young kids around.
 
Old 01-25-2011, 11:14 AM
 
1,302 posts, read 1,529,678 times
Reputation: 1916
Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
I tried to trim down the quote, but I can't because it's ALL so relevant!!! My sis and BIL were 40 and 52 when they had their first.... TRIPLETS. You damn well better believe I warned them all you said above. And it's all coming true. I remember one day my sister saying it will be nice to have the kids take care of them when they're old, to which I replied, "how selfish of you to expect that when they'll barely be 20 and trying to establish a career and their own families." They obviously didn't think about very hard about it.

SELFISH, SELFISH, SELFISH!!!!
52???????!!! Now that I will agree is too old.
 
Old 01-25-2011, 11:14 AM
 
Location: Some Beach... Somewhere...
4,572 posts, read 3,830,907 times
Reputation: 4738
Quote:
Originally Posted by LeavingMassachusetts View Post
There's one difference though..your wife is young and I am guessing a stay at home Mom??? Makes a world of difference.
Nope. She's gainfully employed (very gainfully!) full time as an engineer. She was home with our daughter the first six months, and returned to work via telecommuting. Grandma came to live with us for two years after that and cared for our girl while Mom was at work 3 days per week and at home the other two days. Our daughter entered a Montessori program at 3 and will be entering a private K-8 school next year. I work early and pick her up each day at her preschool, prepare dinner and play with her until Mom gets home, then it's swimming lessons or piano practice - or movies and Legos!

Honestly, I thought all my "big" good times were behind me - travelling, partying, etc. - but my daughter shows me every day that all that fun was just a prelude to what I'm experiencing now.
 
Old 01-25-2011, 11:16 AM
 
6,455 posts, read 9,509,501 times
Reputation: 10764
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnonChick View Post
I think the OP's post has merit. There is a HUGE difference between being the youngest sibling to parents who *started* having kids in their 20's and 30's and continued into their 40's..and being the only child of parents who had that one and only child while they were in their 40's.

HUGE difference. The anecdotes people are using to justify their disagreeing opinions, just - don't apply to the situation. Having a support network of older siblings, or being an older sibling in a brood with a broad age gap isn't even remotely the same as having parents who -began- having their children after 40.

All great points and reps to you!
 
Old 01-25-2011, 11:21 AM
 
1,302 posts, read 1,529,678 times
Reputation: 1916
Quote:
Originally Posted by Workin_Hard View Post
Nope. She's gainfully employed (very gainfully!) full time as an engineer. She was home with our daughter the first six months, and returned to work via telecommuting. Grandma came to live with us for two years after that and cared for our girl while Mom was at work 3 days per week and at home the other two days. Our daughter entered a Montessori program at 3 and will be entering a private K-8 school next year. I work early and pick her up each day at her preschool, prepare dinner and play with her until Mom gets home, then it's swimming lessons or piano practice - or movies and Legos!

Honestly, I thought all my "big" good times were behind me - travelling, partying, etc. - but my daughter shows me every day that all that fun was just a prelude to what I'm experiencing now.
Well, there is a difference then. She was home the first 6 months, then worked at home, then part time and you had live in help.

I am not criticizing at all, it is just different then what would be my scenario (an many, many others) 6 weeks off, back to work full time, no extra helper. Trust me, don't take that stuff for granted, you are extremely lucky

I come from the opposite scenario...I didn't have the young and free partying days because I was a Mom. Now I am in my 40s, in a much better financial place than I would have been in my 20s and I am loving the hell out of my life. And my liver is much more intact than it would have been had I not had children.
 
Old 01-25-2011, 11:31 AM
 
Location: In a house
13,258 posts, read 34,623,814 times
Reputation: 20198
Quote:
Originally Posted by LeavingMassachusetts View Post
Absolutely.

The older parent dilemma is a weird one for me. At first thought, I think it is a bad idea. Admittedly, a lot of that is probably because mine were grown and out the door before I hit 40 and there is no way on earth I could fathom having a baby.

On the other hand, I watched my friend go through year after year of gut wrenching failure to have children. She didn't wait on purpose, she just didn't meet the right guy until her mid 30s and then discovered all the infertility problems. 42 is too old to have a baby to me, but those sweet little girls were worth the wait and she is a great Mom. Every situation is different, I guess.
Was she unqualified to adopt? There are so many babies who need parents - who don't have them. I'm not a religious person - and I'm not one to soapbox on the topic of fate. However - I believe, in my heart of hearts, that if people can't get pregnant and have children the "old fashioned way - by having sex" - then maybe they need to stop insisting that their womb be the incubator, and look around for a child who is already born, who desperately needs a family who can love it.

She could have been a mom long before she ever turned 40. Instead, she chose to be selfish - which is my point, which is the OP's point - and demanded that the world bend to her will. Not because a baby needed her - since clearly, she didn't care about that - there was no baby yet, and her own womb had decreed that wasn't gonna happen without a fight.

I just can't grasp the mentality that goes into people who insist on infertility treatments, ESPECIALLY if they're over 40 - when nature has very clearly, very loudly, very pointedly informed them that they should not bear children of their own.
 
Old 01-25-2011, 11:42 AM
 
1,302 posts, read 1,529,678 times
Reputation: 1916
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnonChick View Post
Was she unqualified to adopt? There are so many babies who need parents - who don't have them. I'm not a religious person - and I'm not one to soapbox on the topic of fate. However - I believe, in my heart of hearts, that if people can't get pregnant and have children the "old fashioned way - by having sex" - then maybe they need to stop insisting that their womb be the incubator, and look around for a child who is already born, who desperately needs a family who can love it.

She could have been a mom long before she ever turned 40. Instead, she chose to be selfish - which is my point, which is the OP's point - and demanded that the world bend to her will. Not because a baby needed her - since clearly, she didn't care about that - there was no baby yet, and her own womb had decreed that wasn't gonna happen without a fight.

I just can't grasp the mentality that goes into people who insist on infertility treatments, ESPECIALLY if they're over 40 - when nature has very clearly, very loudly, very pointedly informed them that they should not bear children of their own.
They were trying to adopt at the same time as the treatments. When she finally did get pregnant it was going to be their last attempt, it just happened to work. She was just shy of 38 when they began the process FWIW.

I don't necessarily completely disagree with you though, there is something unnatural about it all. I am a child of adoption so I am certainly all for it but it is much, much harder to adopt now though than it was for my parents.
 
Old 01-25-2011, 12:00 PM
 
5,703 posts, read 15,494,170 times
Reputation: 8514
Wow this thread gave me a major flashback to my youth and it is not because I was I raised by older parents but my friend in elementary school was. I grew up in a mostly blue collar neighborhood where it seemed everyone's parents were around the same age. Free range parents I guess they would be called today as in the summers the kids spent all day in the neighborhood and the rule was to be back when the street lights came on.

I met this girl in 4th grade and even though she had attended my school all along I never really noticed her before. We struck up a friendship and something about her was different. She only wore dresses. This was kind of odd because all the girls in my neighborhood were somewhat tomboys as we played right along with the boys. The uniform of the summers were shorts, sneakers and t-shirts. This girl only wore dresses and dress shoes. She had extremely long hair that had never been cut. At that time Dorothy Hamill haircuts were the rage and we all had them.

She invited me over to her house and what struck me right away was her house felt like a museum. She was the only person I had ever met that had pure white wall to wall carpeting in her house. All the furniture was old looking but in pristine condition. Even the girl's room was formal. She had heavy floral drapes, the type that I had only seen in a funeral home and they matched the formal floral pattern bedspread. Very old decor for such a young girl. She had no toys just board games. Her parents looked old, really old and in fact I thought she was being raised by her grandparents. The rest of kids speculated her parents died in a horrible accident. Finally one day I mustered up the courage to tell her I was sorry her parents were dead. She looked at me odd and said, they aren't dead. They are in the living room. She told me in a matter of fact tone that she was a "change of life baby." I had no idea what this was! I asked my mother and she kind of surprised I knew this term and explained it to me.

My mom knew this girl's parents and she told me the father was much older. A former CEO of some company. A confirmed bachelor most had thought but ended up marrying his secretary. It seemed quite interesting. This girl's father had retired when she was very young and in fact my friend never remembered her dad working at all. All us kids knew was he was crabby. Always stationed in his recliner. He would just glare at us kids when we were allowed in the house. The mother had bizarre old fashioned ideas like, girls shouldn't wear pants, ever cut their long hair, no crayons or markers were allowed in the house as they made messes, no hanging out at the mall and no movies above the rating G. Years later after we made our way to high school this girl totally rebelled. She got super wild. Then one year she was gone. I stopped by her house mostly out of curiosity and her mother rudely told me she was going to a catholic school now. I struck how much older her mother looked. She had a cane. I bet dealing with a wild teen aged her faster than normal. I found out later the girl was actually in juvie. I guess her mother let her have a part time job at Kmart. She made a habit of stealing a certain amount every night from the drawer. Loss prevention let her run up a certain amount before busting her.

Gee...I wonder whatever happened to her. But anyway, I know this is extreme but this thread sparked that memory.
 
Old 01-25-2011, 12:04 PM
 
3,842 posts, read 9,243,559 times
Reputation: 3177
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonathan29 View Post
Just please think twice before putting another human being in this position. Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel? Do you really want to be doing the whole soccer mom thing at age 58? Or walking your daughter down the aisle when you're 75? Not being around long enough for your grandchildren to even remember you....
I've seen some great soccer moms at 58 & some awful parents at 22 who have no clue what it means to raise a child.

My mom just did a zip line in Costa Rica & she is 69. Grandma to 7.

My dad is 72 & my brother is getting married in the summer. Yep, he'll be walking down an aisle.

Just had a mom of 4 die of a heart attack in our church. She was 32.

I've found so many very young parents who find it very easy to pawn off the grandkids on the grandparents for days on end so they can continue to live their life. I've found older parents to be more mature in understanding that grandparents are not a babysitting service.

Is there an age it should stop? Guess it depends. It's all very relative to the person.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top