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Old 01-24-2011, 10:58 PM
1 posts, read 34,315 times
Reputation: 63


I would like to give you all a different perspective into having children in your 40s....I'm a child of parents who were in their 40s when they had me.

It's miserable to say the least. You're doing your children a huge injustice by having them at that stage in life and I'll give you specific reasons why.

All my years of growing up, all I can remember is non-energetic parents who were "too tired" or "too mature" to do some of the fun things children enjoy. It really wasn't fair, do I sit here and cry about it no....even though it sounds like I am.

It literally takes over your life down the road as you want to move out and live your life. You begin to think...if I were to move now...in my mid 20s...I come back in 5 years, my parents are now over 70 years old. I'll have missed the final "good years" of their life and unfortunately miss out on the best years of my own in the process.

Looking down the road, I see the early burden of taking care of my parents at a young age. Hampering raising my own children because they didn't want children when they were my age. They wanted to go out and have fun instead.......

I realize for some people things are different. People meet later in life, people can't have kids then finally become blessed. However, don't be selfish in this stage in life. At the very least, make the effort to be the energetic parent when you're in your mid 50s and they want to play some ball with you. Don't hold them back when your in your 60s with guilt when they want to go explore the world in their 20s after college. They will feel guilty when they come back in their early 30s and you're in a wheelchair or god forbid pass away.

Just please think twice before putting another human being in this position. Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel? Do you really want to be doing the whole soccer mom thing at age 58? Or walking your daughter down the aisle when you're 75? Not being around long enough for your grandchildren to even remember you....

Old 01-25-2011, 05:41 AM
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
6,203 posts, read 15,010,458 times
Reputation: 7951
Jonathan29, thank you for your perspective on this. I happen to agree with you. One of my best friends' mom had her when she was 45 years old! By the time my friend was 20 years old, her mom had major health issues. Her mom died at age 72 while my friend was only in her late 20s; it was so sad.

Anyone who has children after age 40 is being selfish, and isn't thinking of the future. It gets even worse when you throw in in vitro fertilization and women who are having babies into their late 50s! Once upon a time there were biological limits, and I'm appalled that no one seems to mind that these are being tampered with.

I had my children when I was 21 and 24, which of course, is too young. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted, and I chose the wrong man. I think the ideal child-bearing years now are between 25 and 35 years old.

And don't get me started on older men who get married to much younger wives and have second and third families with them!
Old 01-25-2011, 06:13 AM
6,118 posts, read 5,147,846 times
Reputation: 8346
My dad was in his 40's when I was born. I was in my 20's when he died. He missed out on his grandchildren, as they were cheated out of knowing him.
Old 01-25-2011, 06:38 AM
3,084 posts, read 6,463,911 times
Reputation: 4430
It's too bad you feel like being born to parents in the 40's was a mistake in many ways. That, of course is not the case for many others. And of course all the things posted happen to people at all ages.

My own father died when I was 16, yet he was only 44, certainly not at an advanced age. His health was very poor during the last year.
My mother then died at 56, when I was just 28 from lung cancer because she was a smoker. I had to handle her estate in addition to all her health issues.

Just saying.....
Old 01-25-2011, 06:46 AM
Location: southwestern PA
20,426 posts, read 35,696,560 times
Reputation: 38829
I hear you, but I wish I were in your shoes.

My dad died at age 48, when I was 21.

Having kids in you 20s doesn't guarantee a better outcome than you experienced.....
Old 01-25-2011, 06:49 AM
16,438 posts, read 18,510,024 times
Reputation: 9490
My parent's were both in their mid 40s when I was born. If I missed out on anything in childhood as a result I didn't know it. They were wonderful parents.
Old 01-25-2011, 07:03 AM
3,777 posts, read 7,163,842 times
Reputation: 4129
There are advantages and disadvantages to having children when you're in your 40s. True, an older parent will probably have less energy. But I remember my dad being too tired to play ball after work, and he was 27 when I was born. He just had to work hard.

Two common advantages of being an older parent are maturity and financial stability.

As for taking care of elderly parents, it isn't easy at any time. It isn't easy taking care of your 97-year-old mother while at the same time dealing with your own health issues at 72. Or taking care of your 70-year-old mother while trying to raise teenagers as a 45-year-old. Or caring for your 85-year-old father just when you've taken retirement and were hoping to do some traveling. I'm in my 40s, and I still don't feel ready for my parents to be old and need help, even though I can see that it might be nearing. I doubt I'll ever feel "mature" enough to deal with that.

My brother is caring for elderly in-laws in his home while raising his young son. Disadvantages? Yes. But hopefully the boy gets to witness compassion and family love - something beyond his own school and soccer. (This is something bigger and better than being the "star" of the family.) Hopefully it makes him a compassionate person, not a bitter one.

Last edited by sll3454; 01-25-2011 at 07:19 AM..
Old 01-25-2011, 07:35 AM
9,056 posts, read 6,722,316 times
Reputation: 11008
I'm sorry it was (is) a miserable experience for you, Jonathan29. But the fact is, nobody can predict what life is going to hand them. It sounds like you have issues with your parents that could happen to kids with parents of any age.

Some parents are just selfish people regardless. There are plenty that pitch a fit if their kids want to move away. There are plenty that sit on the couch and don't want to play ball. There are plenty that are "too tired" or "too mature" at 35 to do kid things with you. There are plenty that are 22 and pawn you off on your grandparents for most of your childhood for whatever reason. There are plenty of parents who become ill and die, and it will likely inconvenience you no matter what age they are. There are plenty that are in their late 20's/early 30's that are so focused on advancing their careers that their kids are raised by third parties. There are plenty who have mid life crises at 42 and will ditch you at 14 for a younger family.

Appreciate the parents you have and act like a mature adult and stop whining. All parents come with issues of some sort. How you deal with them determines what kind of man you become, and it's you that's responsible for that, not them.

Originally Posted by SandyCo View Post
Anyone who has children after age 40 is being selfish, and isn't thinking of the future.
Isn't thinking of the future? Really? You can "think" about the future all you like, but you can't tell me what's going to happen. Everybody's parents die. Everyone's. It's not going to be easy no matter what age they are, or what age you are. But it's life. That's it. Having kids before age 40 does not guarantee anything at all.

It's all about the attitude of the parents. I could find something "wrong" with every parent if I chose and decide that they were arbitrarily selfish for having kids for any reason I might decide to focus on. You could say "anybody that has children and is blue with red stripes is being selfish" and I could find a reason why that's true.
Old 01-25-2011, 07:42 AM
43,012 posts, read 88,940,518 times
Reputation: 30255
The biggest risk is dying while the children are young adults, but that can happen even when parents have children younger.

My mother was near 40 when she had my youngest sister. My mother died when she was 21 and my father died when she was 22. That's young for losing both parents. But it wasn't much easier for me. I was 28 and 29 when they died. My older siblings were in their 30s.

My parents started having children in their mid 20s. It's not like they purposely decided to have children at a later age. As I said, their oldest children were in their 30s when they died. My husband father died when he was 17 and his mother died when he was 19. They also started having their chidlren in their mid-20s, but had a ton of children with the last child born when they were near 40. My husband was a middle child. His sister was in high school when she became parentless.

It woudn't be unusual if your parents die while you are in your 30s and it will have little to do with their having you at 40.

You'd do much better to rant about the importance of parents having healthy lifestyles. My sister-in-law was 40 when she and her husband started to have chidren due to marrying at an older age. But she jogs 5 miles a day. My BIL and SIL are very active, athletic people who live healthy lifestyles. My little sister had her youngest child at 40. Her and her husband both live health lifestyles too, but they don't excersise because they're super busy. Hopefully eating well and not smoking and drinking will be good enough.
Old 01-25-2011, 07:58 AM
Location: BK All Day
4,480 posts, read 8,315,500 times
Reputation: 4288
My sister was born when my dad was 42. He still coached ALL of her sports. Even softball for kiddies where the coach pitched. He was 60 when she graduated high school. He will be about 75 when I get married (thats what I'm hoping for)

I have a friend who is the youngest child by 12 years and him and his father still go sailing all of the time and his dad is in his 70's!

I personally liked having holder parents. My mom was mom, not someone who was trying to maintain a lifestyle while fitting in a kid. I personally consider my mom my roll model.
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