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Often loneliness is a sign of self-centeredness. Instead of getting out and doing something for others, it's easy to sit alone wondering when someone is going to come by and save you.
To have a friend, one must be a friend. That means sacrificing time, caring what someone thinks and feels. It's easy to find friends -- you can look for them among the lonely. You can bring meals or small gifts to shut-ins. You can volunteer in a nursing home and try to brighten the lives of those who may not be lonely by choice as much. You can work with foster children.
LOL i gotta disagree.
Not every friendship is two-sided as i have seen; you may have invested tons of effort in reaching out to others but they may not respond in the same manner or degree as you did.
Also, personality plays a part whereby not everyone you tried to reach out to can truly understand how you feel and where you are coming from. This is especially the moment when loneliness sets in.
Seems as though Loneliness has a lot on common with Boredom, in that I think folks tend to avoid discussing what they bring to the table when they find themselves in these situations. In the case of Boredom, its pretty easy to blame one's environment for not being stimulating enough. Most folks don't want to look at why they might tend to make the environment responsible for stimulation and not their own creativity. In like manner, I think that people who identify themselves as "lonely" need to consider why they might be making their Society responsible for engagement. Its not very often that one hears someone talking about how their own poverty of social skills leaves them marginalized or disengaged with their community.
Now, in fairness, let me also say that engagement with the community such as family, co-workers and fellow Church members can be HIGHLY over-rated. The typical Human Being will only engage if there is some sort of pay-off to be had. That said, engagement becomes a matter of "how much do I have to give" versus "what will I get out of it". Often the result is that people who are identified as seeking-out networking are most often seen as "needy". Its almost like those sort of Bank loans where you have to prove that you DON'T need the loan in order to get it....if that makes any sense.
On the bright side, let me say that some of the greatest contributions made to the Human Race have been by "solitaries", people who have embraced their solitude, or simply are so involved with a life pursuit or passion that worrying about what others are doing or thinking becomes annoying at best. But if one DOES embrace their solitude don't look for KUDO-s from folks in your neighborhood. IIRC many folks who run afoul of the law are usually identified as "reclusive".
Yes. I can't see wallowing in self-pity -- waiting for someone to come along and care about me or do something for me. I'm never lonely - but I know the way to have friends is to care about other people. With work and family, I'm not really in need of a lot of volunteer activities -- but they're fun when there's time.
If you sit there waiting and feeling bad that no one cares what you feel or think, it's most likely because you don't care what others feel or think. One of the best ways to meet some great people is to volunteer with them on something. The Christmas season is an excellent time to find happy people volunteering, trying to help others -- no reason not to join in.
Or rather than waiting for someone to come and knock on your door -- what prevents you from getting out and knocking on other peoples' doors?
This is the pretty standard answer for people who find it easier to just blow off other people's feelings than to actually listen to what they are saying.
Lonely? Hell, just volunteer, and it will all go away.
No. That's not how it works. Loneliness is more than just being by yourself. It's not having anyone in your life to connect with, someone to identify with. It doesn't mean you have to have a life partner, just a good friend, and for many people, that's not easy to come by.
I am very busy, but I am sometimes lonely. And I work full time, volunteer, belong to a church, and am active in a writers' group--all the things that those of you who are absolutely clueless as to the position of being lonely think should miraculously cure the feelings. That makes the people who are not lonely feel better to think that, of course.
I know lots of people and have many acquaintances, but not many close friends, and of them, due to their location or availability, it's very rare that I have someone to have dinner with, watch a movie with, laugh with, have a drink with. Just because you meet people or know people or help people doesn't mean that you connect with them on a deep level--that's something a little more mysterious and beyond your willful control. Granted, you will never meet those people if you don't get out and do things, but getting out and joining groups or volunteering is not a guarantee of finding connections, either.
I tend to keep to myself but most of that is because I love the challenge of investigating new things and I get tired of explaining why I would be interested in doing "X". For instance, I had always been intrigued by the Piano and playing Classical Music. After 6 decades I finally sought a patient-----a very very very patient--- piano teacher who understood my goals and took me on. I was explaining to friends and family that Monday was my night for lessons and I had to find an hour each day to practice. The response? "Whaddya wanna do THAT for!?!"
Fact is, I KNOW that response and have heard it many times before and...frankly...I get real sick and tired of hearing it. If I bought a recliner and sat with a beer watching night-time TV week after week I wouldn't get a peep. But, I'm the kind of guy who likes to feel my brain work, and watch myself master this or that and I just don't run into a lot of people--especially people my age--- who feel the same. Most are bitching-up-a-storm about how their Retirement annuitity or SS just doesn't go far enough or how the kids never visit. If thats what it means to "belong" I think I'll take a pass.
Lonely? Hell, just volunteer, and it will all go away.
I don't think that was what was implied. I do think that the more people you interact with in the course of the day, particularly if they are involved in activities you enjoy, the more chances you have to find someone with whom real life friendship is a possibility. Maybe the possibility isn't large, but the possibility is zero if you just sit at home alone.
I tend to keep to myself but most of that is because I love the challenge of investigating new things.
That will stand you in good stead.
I regularly visit an elderly relative in a care home. Most of the residents are in their 80s and 90s and they all seem extremely bored. Yes, some have children and grandchildren who visit them from time to time and there are some planned activities but the rest of the time they have nothing to do. Their spouses are gone and their friends are probably dead. They may also have limited mobility and their minds may be a bit confused. However, none seem to have developed any hobbies or interests in their senior years which would have kept them interested and mentally stimulated now.
I don't think that was what was implied. I do think that the more people you interact with in the course of the day, particularly if they are involved in activities you enjoy, the more chances you have to find someone with whom real life friendship is a possibility. Maybe the possibility isn't large, but the possibility is zero if you just sit at home alone.
If I was to volunteer it would be for a cause I believed in. It would not be to meet friends. I'm very solitary and the people I connect with are special. I know where to find them. To me its immaterial if they are a block away or ten states away and can have good conversations about the things I find passionately interesting. Basically I find most people pretty boring. If they aren't interested in being my friend its perfecty all right.
If you want to find a way to use up time, or feel like your doing something worthwhile, volunteering is great. If you want to find someone who will really connect, then find a place where people are interested in what you are and go there. It's a lot better than pretending you care what they're talking about when its utterly boring. But this is where the internet is brilliant and why so many with specific interests turn to it, since you *can* find real like minds.
If you want to find someone who will really connect, then find a place where people are interested in what you are and go there.
I agree the chances of finding friendship that way are better, but it is possible through volunteering.
In my early 20s I volunteered in a hospital gift shop. I didn't take the job because I was looking for friendship. I just wanted to do something more productive on Saturday mornings than sleeping in. However, the very first day I met another female volunteer who ended up becoming a very good friend. We enjoyed participating in a lot of activities together and could talk for hours about every conceivable topic.
When I think of friendships I've had over the course of my life, one common theme seems to apply to them all: We participated in living some sort of life together be it school life, neighborhood life, working life, a hobby interest, other leisure time activities, online posting in an active community, etc.
Whenever that participation ceased for whatever reason, the friendship slowly changed. In time the friendship dwindled to the friend talking about his/her life, my commenting on it, me talking about my life and him/her commenting on it and us both talking about memories of that particular life we used to share together. We communicated less and less. We no longer had much in common.
I've dealt with that as well, almost all my friendships have been ones of convenience. Nothing really in common of than the fact we work at the same place or attended the same school. Once that changed, the friendships mostly dwindled to nothing. I never felt upset by it. It is what it is.
I don't think that was what was implied. I do think that the more people you interact with in the course of the day, particularly if they are involved in activities you enjoy, the more chances you have to find someone with whom real life friendship is a possibility. Maybe the possibility isn't large, but the possibility is zero if you just sit at home alone.
And I said exactly that in MY post, so we agree there.
It just gets a little irritating that every time people say they are lonely, or they wish they had a friend/partner, the knee-jerk reaction is to tell people to run out and volunteer. It's an odd bit of non-advice that seems more designed to make the advisor feel better than the person who is looking for a friend.
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