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There is a big difference between being alone and lonely. One can be alone and happy, especially if they have a sense of purpose and meaningful activity in their lives. After all, Jesus Christ was a single man in a culture that heavily emphasized marriage. Yet his life was certainly rich, full and happy.
People routinely believe that one cannot be happy without a mate or marriage. That is simply not true. It is one potential source of happiness, but not the only one. A 50% divorce rate in the United States is a good indication that many married people are desperately lonely, and unhappy. If you are waiting for a mate to make your life happy you will be disappointed. The old Bible proverb is true: "There is more happiness in giving than in receiving." Look for opportunities to give and do for others and you will find greater happiness irregardless of whether you are married or single.
One of the best ways to keep loneliness at bay is to take an interest in other people, don't wait for them to find you. I once took a 3 month vacation driving alone from coast to coast in the US. This was my most excellent adventure. That trip taught me not to wait for kindness from others. I learned quickly that if I wanted to enjoy my travel, I had to to take the initiative. I learned to be extroverted and more interested in others, less concerned about how others perceived me. I had a wonderful time! When people sense kindness they typically respond in kind. Widen out, do good for others, cultivate positive personality traits and a interest in other people and cultures. Ignore the myth that you must have a mate to be happy. Happiness is a path you choose in life, not a person.
Hopefully I won't injure anyone's feelings. I just wonder how many people are actually lonely by design.
Seems that there are plenty of ways to move away from being lonely but folks seem to prefer solitude. Am I mistaken?
FWIW.
I am one of those. I loved when the family got together for Thanksgiving, but when I got home shut the door feeling drained and retreated to my own company. Those who like solitude are not bored or lonely, as hard as that is to imagine to a social person. Now, family is have a continent away and the one try to go back proved to be way too much. One of them has moved out here, and I did go to her house for an informal dinner. But there was too much bickering and I was glad to get home.
I decided to make my own weekend. I hadn't seen season one and two of Dowten Abbey and they are streaming in Netflix, so I settled down to watch. Friday I watched season one. Went to Hulu for season two and have two left before the pbs retrospective and teaser show tonight.
I have had a very nice weekend out of it. I was relaxed and enjoyed myself. Someone who has to have company would never understand but I took some time to do just for me.
And when you say there are ways to move away from lonely but some prefer solitude there is a misnomer there. If you prefer solitude you aren't lonely.
Its because people no longer socialize at work, no longer make friends there that they would socialize with at home too, because everyone's nose is buried in a cell phone...and because people come home, close the garage door, and they're gone.
Its is insulting to society that this is what people in America have become like this. The rest of the world doesn't have this problem even though they use cell phones, and ipads there too.
Nope, it's a global problem. Usually it follows Americanization of economic and social institutions, goals, dream, views, customs, etc.. Even traditionally communitarian cultures are slowly being destroyed by embracing elements of American culture, economics, etc.. So it's not so much "American" problem, it's a results of the social/economic order that America has embraced. This virus is truly cosmopolitan, it destroys regardless of nationality, previous history and geographic location of its victims.
I would say that status anxiety reached enormous proportions. People are not just lonely in general (they are), they long for a peer and "soulmate" (of equal educational and social standing ), a peer who would help to create a comfy isolating cocoon one could hide from all the worries and lesser annoying beings one doesn't click with. This is especially true about relationships. Men & women have most of their meaningful social ties to community & kin severed or trivialized, both know that something is missing, both sublimate that knowledge in absolutely unrealistic expectations of one perfect fit that would override all the rest of the social depravities, one perfect fit that would make everything right. And it doesn't work that way.
I have enjoyed reading this discussion. I'm a single male in my early 40s and I have often thought about why I don't have any close friends to spend time with. I have a lot of 'work' friends and am known to make people laugh. I also organize a couple of sports teams made up of both men and women. I am certain that they also do not think of me as an introvert. Unfortunately they tend to not be my age and have their own social lives and most are married.
While I miss having the close connection of a good friend, the biggest problem for me is to not have someone to "do" things with such as snow skiing, movies, attend concerts with, ect.
Some posters mentioned that being alone and feeling lonely are two separate entities.. although i don't outright deny this, i don't complete agree with that either.
Humans are, by nature, social animals. Whether we are extroverts or not, we just feel the need to feel belonged to a particular part of society.
We can of course accomplish things by ourselves but not in the long term. By internalizing all the stress that we face through our lone accomplishment, we will only break down sooner or later.
No one wants to here about other people's problems anyway.
Often loneliness is a sign of self-centeredness. Instead of getting out and doing something for others, it's easy to sit alone wondering when someone is going to come by and save you.
To have a friend, one must be a friend. That means sacrificing time, caring what someone thinks and feels. It's easy to find friends -- you can look for them among the lonely. You can bring meals or small gifts to shut-ins. You can volunteer in a nursing home and try to brighten the lives of those who may not be lonely by choice as much. You can work with foster children.
Way to make lonely people feel worse about themselves. Self-centeredness is based around this idea of constantly needing to be the center of attention. Going way out of your way to make sure everyone notices you. As far as having to be a friend in order to find friends. Tell that to people who tried to be good friends to others and ended up getting taken advantage of. don't get me wrong it's not bad advice but there's no guarantee people will care or appreciate what you do for them.
I think sometimes it's because we're all so busy -- we simply don't have time for anyone, we're so wrapped up in work and running from here to there -- it's not that no one is available at all for some deeper level, we ourselves don't have time or don't make time for that.
But that's just it. You may be the one who is willing to take time to get to know someone better but you have to meet someone else with the same inclination. Once you're out of your twenties when a lot of people are still single and childless, it becomes harder to make new friends because most people are so busy with their mates and kids and jobs --- they're not really looking to make new friends. And if everyone is married and has kids, and you're the only single childless one, it sometimes doesn't seem to work as well. I have found the workplace one place where I have made enduring friends. But often my other friends have been 10 or 15 years younger than me because they have the time to socialize, and people my own age are too busy.
It is easy for someone else to just say, go join a club or something, take initiative and ask people out.
But it is usually harder to do so in reality cause' we don't wanna "creep people out" or make others think we're needy.
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), a peer who would help to create a comfy isolating cocoon one could hide from all the worries and lesser annoying beings one doesn't click with. This is especially true about relationships. Men & women have most of their meaningful social ties to community & kin severed or trivialized, both know that something is missing, both sublimate that knowledge in absolutely unrealistic expectations of one perfect fit that would override all the rest of the social depravities, one perfect fit that would make everything right. And it doesn't work that way.
