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At age 18, you are supposed to know how to say, "What are you doing? Stop that." And if he doesn't stop, get up and walk away.
At age 18 you should also check to see if your partner is asleep or passed out. There is a difference between someone who is asleep/passed out and just laying there watching TV.
They both made mistakes, but he groped her for an hour while she was out of it.
If this was two male friends who did all of the above (drinking, sex shop, sitting on couch watching a movie) and one fell asleep/passed out and the other assaulted him, more people would be outraged.
That doesn't absolve him from groping her when she's asleep. One can't say "Stop that" when one is not conscious.
I think the explanation was that she was very scared and unprepared and froze. That will explain why she didn't say "stop." I think some people are assuming. "Well, she didn't say 'stop,' so she must mean 'continue'!" No, not necessarily. I don't think this is a matter of her liking him groping her, but then changing her mind later (or something like that). I believe that she truly didn't want him to grope her but somehow couldn't manage to squeeze out the word "Stop!"
I'm not blaming him so much for not knowing what she was thinking. (She didn't say stop, after all.) If he had started groping her when she was fully awake, and all the time she never said anything, I don't think any punishment would be warranted by the college. But since he started when she was actually asleep, there's no excuse for that. You just don't go around groping sleeping people.
I agree that this is a serious assault if every word of the story is true, but I don't know what to believe. Someone might freeze up out of fear or confusion for a few moments but after an hour, way before that actually, it's catatonia and a possible symptom of serious illness or alcohol poisoning. People who are sleeping aren't in a frozen state. They wake up, especially if they are feeling a sensation they don't like. And I don't know why any guy would continue feeling up someone who is unresponsive - for an hour! Is he a necrophiliac? It sounds like someone is trying to back reconstruct a story and getting more and more farfetched as time goes by.
I agree that this is a serious assault if every word of the story is true, but I don't know what to believe. Someone might freeze up out of fear or confusion for a few moments but after an hour, way before that actually, it's catatonia and a possible symptom of serious illness or alcohol poisoning. People who are sleeping aren't in a frozen state. They wake up, especially if they are feeling a sensation they don't like. And I don't know why any guy would continue feeling up someone who is unresponsive - for an hour! Is he a necrophiliac? It sounds like someone is trying to back reconstruct a story and getting more and more farfetched as time goes by.
Freezing during a sexual assault is a common physiological response, it's called tonic immobility, it's an automatic response to rape as well as other forms of trauma in humans. It is estimated that 12 to 50% of rape victims will respond by freezing, and it is thought that the number is closer to 50% than 12%.
Usually, this response occurs when violence, and obvious force are being used. I do find it odd that she would freeze with a man she knew, and was comfortable enough to spend the day with, and fall asleep with. My theory (I could be wrong, I'm not an expert) is that she was very sheltered, and not taught enough about possible sexual situations, and how to stand up for herself. The boy probably wasn't very experienced in female responses either. This is a tough one. I lean toward misunderstanding, and poor sexual education.
What gets me is that a college has control over a student OUTSIDE campus. And getting paid well into the five figures for a dubious degree. What kind of BS is that? When I was going I never considered my time off campus any of their GD business.
And another thing. Would a star athlete accused of sexual misconduct be scrutinized as harshly as a philosophy major?
In this whole discussion of "rape culture," this dual portrayal of woman must be very confusing and frustrating for young men AND young women.
Again, I'm a 53-year-old woman and was coming of age in the late 70's and 80's. At that time, feminism meant we were striving for equality-- to be treated the same as men. We wanted to have the same opportunities and a chance to prove ourselves capable of doing whatever a man could do. On the sexual front, it meant that we could enjoy sex when, where and with whomever we wanted. We were trying to get away from the notion that our virginity was the most important "gift" we could give a man in marriage and that if we had sex it didn't mean we were "ruined" or lost our value. We wanted to own our lives and be responsible for ourselves.
Today, wrapped up in the notion that we live in a "rape culture," is the idea that women are less capable than men. They apparently are child-like creatures who freeze in fear when a guy their same age cops a feel. They sit silently until the next day when they run to a university administrator for help because they aren't able to say, "No. I don't want to do that." They aren't sexual creatures and are never overcome by passion, finding themselves in a situation they hadn't planned on--instead they must have been forced or coerced by a Big Bad Mean Man into doing something they didn't want to do.
I completely understand that men DO force themselves on women, and I completely believe that "No means No." Going part of the way doesn't mean a woman is consenting to go all the way. But the woman has a responsibility to speak up. It's part of being an adult woman on equal footing with an adult man. If she does speak up and he doesn't stop, that's another story and he deserves to be punished. But I absolutely hate the idea that we're back to thinking women are delicate flowers incapable of taking charge of their own sexuality.
Amen! The whole time I was reading that, I thought, and she can't open her mouth and say "no", or" get off, leave me be, hey, what are you doing?"
And for the guy to be still kicking himself, and sniveling about how he needs her forgiveness etc. Makes me wonder if these 2 should be even out in the world alone.
He made dumb mistake. He's not a monster. If the people around him are conveying that message, then maybe he shoulld find new people to hang with.
What happened to people making mistakes, learning from them, and moving on?
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