Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don't think it's taboo, and I don't think most people would label you insane. I suppose they might consider that you have a slight mental problem if you're that paranoid about leaving yourself "vulnerable." But more likely they'd just feel sorry for you. Even most animals - mammals, anyway - seem to want to love and be loved.
I guess you could say that feeling the way you do is stigmatized and I have to say that my first impression was one of seeing a damaged person. Which breaks my heart and wants me to give you a hug.
We are wired as a species to be connected with someone, just like dogs are pack animals. You speak of being intimate as contemptuous (?) One has to question why you are so shut down emotionally? Have you been hurt? Have you been around too many rectums? Are you completely broken? Or are you wired to be different?
Understanding why you are the way you are is far more important then hearing that you prefer to reside in an emotional desert.
I have to admit that that concept is so foreign to me and I find it difficult, if not impossible to relate. Maybe you can give me some insight as to how and why you do it.
I met someone like you a couple of years back and he broke my heart a hundred times over. He was abused as a child and basically married his mother being forever stuck down that dysfunctional path. I tried my best to be his friend but it wasn't good enough for him and he pushed me away. It's not like I didn't see it happening, I did. "Everybody leaves." Well yes they do, especially if you think you're not worthy enough and expect everyone to treat you the way your mother did. Being isolated with a bottle is much safer emotionally isn't it? Having someone challenge your balance about alcohol abuse as a concerned friend is too hard to handle. It's much easier to label them as judgmental and continue to self destruct, in an all too familiar way.
I have been married to the love of my life for 30 years now. I've made compromises as has he, but they were so worth it. We have a great life together. I feel sorry for anyone that never gets to experience that kind of trust, love and intimacy. Yes you'll never know because you can't miss what you've never had, for whatever the reason is that you choose to live without it. Maybe it's better if you never have it if you're truly convinced that you want to be alone.
For me it will be devastating if he leaves first. I've been with him for more of my life now then I've been single. Being without him would be so empty and a very hard adjustment. I guess it's all in what you get used to, but if I had a choice between starting over alone or with him, I'd choose him. I was in your shoes once and convinced that I never wanted to marry again. To think I almost blew it by rejecting his marriage proposals makes me cringe.
If you truly are happy alone then I'm happy for you and respect your decision. If you're hiding behind something out of fear or any other negative emotion, then I feel sorry for you. Either way, you're missing a lot.
I don't think there's a guarantee a person ever has that, no matter how much they may want it. Nobody is owed that..
I'm only 25, and have never even come close to that (nor been in a LTR either), and do wonder some days if I ever will.
Unfortunately, being in a relationship takes two to tango.
So, it isn't that surprising to me if a person just decides to shut down being in a relationship.
Victorianpunk, you asked atheists why they post on a religion board when they're not interested in religion; I ask you the same thing: if you are so uninterested in sexual/marital/family relationships, why do you keep talking about them?
Because I am interested in the role in society "coupling" plays and how our society can't even find the language for people like me who are not a part of that. It is A LOT MORE pervasive in this society than religion, and everyone, even one's therapist, will insist one is insane if one does not show an interest in such things.
H
So what I find incongruent is the idea of someone espousing they wish to shun the concept of intimacy but at the same time finding the need to tell others about it, which is some ways is a form of intimacy.
Do you feel the same way about people who INSIST on telling others they are gay? Or don't believe in God?
Quote:
In day gone yon, we called such people hermits. They shielded from the public eye and no one gave a furry kitten what they did. I doubt if you stopped posting anyone would notice nor care (nor if I stopped). Moreover I doubt anyone cares how you conduct your personal life anymore than they care how I conduct mine.
I am not talking about "me" as much as I am why the very essence of "coupling" cannot be questioned. At no point is it considered valid advice that someone "just give up forever and be happy alone," at no point is it considered anything but insanity that maybe we should consider alternate ways of living aside from the "coupling" route for society.
No idea should go without scrutiny. NONE.
Quote:
So now why I think I understand your issue, I simply do not grasp how it ever could be an issue because you have to be volunteering information and communicating with people in order for them to know in the first place. First rule of avoiding intimacy, is to avoid communicating with people.
Huh? "Communicating" and "intimacy" are two entirely different things. At no point did I mention people abandon human contact as a whole.
The irony is that while victorianpunk constantly complains about what a victim he is because his views are not widely shared, he incessantly tells everyone else they're wrong for not sharing them.
Yep, I apologize. No more debating a subject...oh...what is the name of this board again?
Quote:
He is one of those people who is not content to do what he wishes -- he has to make sure that everyone who wishes to do something else is informed that they are wrong. Becaue it's all about him, and nothing is subjective in his mind. If he prefers something, then everyone else who prefers something else is wrong.
More specifically, he cannot function in a relationship. The common denominator in all of victorianpunk's relationships is victorianpunk. But, as noted, it doesn't stop there. Because he can't handle relationships, he thinks no one should be in them.
It's all about him.
When oh when did I ever say "everyone is wrong?" I only questioned why this assumption (that all people need intimacy to be happy) is something that is not questioned and seems to be one of those sacred cows of modern society that we can't question. That is all. I never mentioned "I am right and this person is wrong."
I will say it again, and maybe you will listen this time: IF YOU REALLY ARE HAPPY AS A COUPLE WITH SOMEONE, GOOD FOR YOU. I AM NOT JUDGING. I am just asking, as the title of the thread says, "why is the value of intimacy the ONE thing we can't question?"
If jumping to conclusions based on no evidence was an Olympic sport, you would be on your way back from Rio right now.
I don't think it's taboo, and I don't think most people would label you insane. I suppose they might consider that you have a slight mental problem if you're that paranoid about leaving yourself "vulnerable." But more likely they'd just feel sorry for you. Even most animals - mammals, anyway - seem to want to love and be loved.
The question is, at what point do we need our animal instincts? We as humans have a natural urge to destroy and conquer as well, and yet that has become a taboo. Is it not imaginable that in the years to come intimacy will also be considered a taboo?
I mean, take AIDS for example: very rarely is just not having sex at all, married or not, mentioned as a way of combating AIDS. A celibate non-drug user does not have to worry about STDs. We as a society seem to always equate cause-and-effect with everything...except love and intimacy. At no point is sex in and of itself ever blamed for AIDS, they just go on about condoms and monogamy. At no point are relationships called out as the cause of domestic violence (can't be beaten by a partner if one does not have one)
We blame guns for shooting, drugs for addiction, and overeating for obesity. Yet the main culprit in so much pain in life, i.e., intimacy itself, is NEVER blamed for all the pain and uselessness it causes. Why?
Maybe it is just a human weakness our species is not yet ready to confront.
OP, If you prefer your own company and to remain single, IMO there is nothing wrong with it and nothing taboo about saying it.
Maybe you keep bringing this up because you were brought up in a household where you saw your father roped into a relationship that he wasn't happy in and you don't want to get into the same situation? Intimacy spells disaster to you and that's ok if you don't want it.
OP, I think it bothers you that you don't feel the need for intimacy, so you are trying to run the whole idea of a lasting, loving relationship down.
We are all free to do as we please in life, so walk away from people pressuring you to fit into the "norm" of having a lasting relationship if that's not what you want. Accept who you are and what you want and don't want out of life.
I am not talking about "me" as much as I am why the very essence of "coupling" cannot be questioned. At no point is it considered valid advice that someone "just give up forever and be happy alone," at no point is it considered anything but insanity that maybe we should consider alternate ways of living aside from the "coupling" route for society.
Lots of people do just fine "uncoupled". They are not told that they are insane, and are generally not shunned by society. Why? Because they don't put themselves out there as victims who are so hard done by. They live their lives the way that they want, and do not choose to associate with those who would judge them for their choices. (And they, in turn, don't judge others for "being coupled".)
That *you* may not do well coupled is *your* issue. And, really, what's the solution? Don't get intimately involved. Why does the rest of society have to change to accommodate your personal choice? Don't delude yourself into thinking that anyone else gives more than a passing thought as to how you conduct your personal relationships.
I mean, take AIDS for example: very rarely is just not having sex at all, married or not, mentioned as a way of combating AIDS. A celibate non-drug user does not have to worry about STDs. We as a society seem to always equate cause-and-effect with everything...except love and intimacy. At no point is sex in and of itself ever blamed for AIDS, they just go on about condoms and monogamy. At no point are relationships called out as the cause of domestic violence (can't be beaten by a partner if one does not have one)
We blame guns for shooting, drugs for addiction, and overeating for obesity. Yet the main culprit in so much pain in life, i.e., intimacy itself, is NEVER blamed for all the pain and uselessness it causes. Why?
Maybe it is just a human weakness our species is not yet ready to confront.
Relationships are the cause of domestic violence? Intimacy is useless? So, is your solution: If one complete generation of humans remains celibate then all the world's many human-caused problems would disappear forever.
Kinda like, eating is the cause of pooping. I despise pooping because it's disgusting, so I decided to stop eating. Everyone else should do the same.
I have female friends who post quotes like, "If you can't deal with me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best." to social media. My immediate thought (wisely kept to myself) is, "Yeah, but is your rare 'best' good enough to be worth enduring your constant 'worst'?". I'm reading that you've had bad relationships and bad sex experiences and have determined that the "best" isn't worth the "worst". I get that. You could, of course, move to China where several decades of "one child" have resulted in a generation of males who will never be able to find a mate.
But you need to understand that other people feel differently, and most will never understand your position.
One more thing. You mentioned that masturbation is all you need. Just out of curiosity, what do you think about while carrying out that act? If you are thinking about females (or males), then you are lying to yourself. You do value intimacy, but you've had such a bad time with it that you've decided to eschew it.
Last edited by An Einnseanair; 08-22-2016 at 12:07 PM..
Because I am interested in the role in society "coupling" plays and how our society can't even find the language for people like me who are not a part of that. It is A LOT MORE pervasive in this society than religion, and everyone, even one's therapist, will insist one is insane if one does not show an interest in such things.
Well that's not a surprise. Humans were mating and in "relationships" (bonding) for hundreds of thousands of years before religions, large societal structures and social mores came along.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
