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First let me say I have never been a victim of a crime, except maybe being bullied one time as a child.
So anyone who wants to say "you've never experienced it, so you don't know" is absolutely right. I'm trying to understand as a society why this is still so "hidden"
Today one of the US Olympic gymnast now says she was abused by one of the team doctors. WTH!!
Since the Harvey Weinstein story broke, it's been fast and furious all these stories of men of power who are abusing scores of women.
There is now even a twitter handle. #metoo.
Why is this still so kept in the shadows and how do we change this?
This is just pondering, I know this is a complicated issue but every day know women who seem outwardly so confident and successfully are coming forward.
I think women have to endure a mans come on to her from an early age from a boyfriend who pushes her for sex, to a boss or coworker making inappropriate remarks, to guys checking them out at the grocery store, to drunk bozos at the bar that can't understand why a woman would give up the chance to have sex with him, to someone like a Harvey that promises the moon if they would only do.....
Women are bombarded all the time. I say they get used to it and when it goes beyond what I mentioned above they don't know how to respond and instead will wonder what they themselves did to deserve such abuse.
They blame themselves for being victims.
There are even women that attack other women by saying that they somehow deserve the bad treatment due to how they dress or act around men.
I think it is great that so many are coming out to share their stories because it will bring attention to the problem and might make men think before they bother a woman and coerce or even force them into something they both might regret.
I agree that fear and shame play a big role in it.
Furthermore, I think many women think/fear that if they do report it, their sexual past, their appearance and their own actions will come under scrutiny- that it will be a case of blame the victim.
I'm surprised nobody has examine the fashion industry, where models are *expected* to be prostitutes for the fashion mogules and execs. The modeling agencies are basically escort services where during the day they book models for shows and then book them for night private meetings with rich execs. The more rich men you spend time with the more gigs and opportunities open for you, the same is true with Hollywood and wall street companies and lately is spilling into Silicone Valley.
You have to look at it from the perspective of who are these women, and what did they want. So you have a very attractive young girl, who wants to break into a VERY exclusive, private club, acting. She is a nobody, and there are literally thousands of hot women who want what she wants. Now, enter the sleaze ball. He notices that these very attractive young women are at a disadvantage, they want something that will change their lives, and he is a fat, unattractive man who would never have a shot at them other wise. So he wants something in return. That is what played out. Now, the women, they still want to become actresses. If they run to the police, it will become public. The exclusive club will know that this woman can't be trusted, so her hopes of ever becoming an actress are gone. It is a horrible position to be in. Hollywood is full of illegal activity. Drug trafficking, prostitution, you name it. People in that industry want to ensure that there isn't a bunch of do-goodie snitches hanging out with them. The only reason that these women are speaking up now, is they have already made it into the club. Their want of fame and fortune was more important to them, at that time, then them being raped.
Now for the more routine, day to day, flat out rape. Most aren't reported because there isn't any evidence. No evidence, no crime. My sister was raped when she was a teenager. The creep used a condom, so even though my sister reported the rape, the guy was never found. My family had a very strong suspension that it was the son of one of our neighbors, he even made some creepy comments to her about it, but without evidence, you can't convict. So some women, knowing that they don't have any proof, never report the crime.
Because people know that when someone speaks up, they frequently get destroyed. They are called a liar. They are blamed for what happened to them. They are dragged through the mud in myriad ways, not only by the perpetrator and the perpetrator's supporters but also by the peanut gallery.
Is it any wonder that a great many of them don't want to subject themselves to even more victimization?
Because people know that when someone speaks up, they frequently get destroyed. They are called a liar. They are blamed for what happened to them. They are dragged through the mud in myriad ways, not only by the perpetrator and the perpetrator's supporters but also by the peanut gallery.
Is it any wonder that a great many of them don't want to subject themselves to even more victimization?
Yes...it is almost always bad for the woman. What's interesting is how many men have turned it around and say THEY often are hurt by false accusations. Very clever way to cover themselves...
Coming forward means being scrutinized, telling your story over and over again, and if the case goes to trial, testifying about it, in front of the prosecutor(s), judge, defense attorney(s), person you're accusing, 12 jurors, 2-5 court officers, court reporters, a law clerk, and an open courtroom of whoever is there. It's daunting and scary, and the defense attorney will make it seem like you're lying or you wanted it or it's somehow your fault. You'll get asked why you did do this but didn't do this, why you said this half of the story two years ago but revealed more details to the prosecutor just a month ago, etc. etc. Your every move and word will be studied and any slight inconsistency or change, you'll be grilled on, even though sometimes remembering details from years ago or telling a story when you're in shock can be difficult and you don't always get it right the first time. You remember more, or realize you mis-remembered something and correct yourself.
If your abuser was someone of power, in any position where there is power over you, it's even more daunting. Someone with money can afford a good legal team, may have connections who can make the charges go away if they're powerful and wealthy enough. It just sucks for victims.
There is also a victim blaming culture where even a victim's own friends, family, acquaintances, strangers on the internet can wonder why she made choices she did and assign some blame to her. Who would want to come forward in such an environment? Who would want to deal with it all?
Yes...it is almost always bad for the woman. What's interesting is how many men have turned it around and say THEY often are hurt by false accusations. Very clever way to cover themselves...
Indeed.
However, some get it. Actor Jim Beaver:
Quote:
My pages are afloat in a flood of "Me, toos" from women I know and love and respect and also from those I barely know or have only tiny connections to. My heart hurts to know so many have suffered from the actions of sexual predators.
As a young Marine, I was repeatedly molested by a high-ranking officer, a Navy doctor who used his position at first to fool a naïve teenager into believing what was happening was standard procedure, and then later to attempt to force through the weight of the doctor's high rank a more substantial relationship. I managed to break free of the situation without undue hardship or repercussion, but I often wonder what would have become of me had I found it necessary to report him. Would I have been believed? Would my military prospects have suffered? Would I have found myself in danger? All these questions came to me afterward, because I was fortunate enough to escape the situation without having to put my enlisted-man word up against that of an admiral.
I see women all over the internet posting their "Me, toos." I recognize these statements not as claims of victimhood but as clarions of solidarity, as posted notice that this shall not stand, as words representing arms-about-the-shoulders of these women's comrades in this newly-invigorated fight against an old enemy. I salute all who have experienced these ordeals and who stand prepared to fight so that not just this battle but this war ends now.
As a man, I personally cannot, despite my own experience, quite bring myself to join in with a "Me, too," even though I see some men doing so. I respect and support any man who has been sexually misused or sexually bullied. But what seems to have taken the world, at long last, by storm in the past few days is most prominently an issue for women, because while many men have been victimized in such manner, the painful truth is that we live in a world where women are *expected* to put up with such things, where it is so commonplace that we managed to elect a president who brags about such behavior. (The clear likelihood is that had the current occupant of the White House been caught bragging to a TV reporter about molesting men, he would never have become president. But since it was just women, well, boys will be boys.)
Well, this boy says the men and boys I know and trust and look up to are better than that, and we will join in calling out the curs among us who think "boys will be boys" is acceptable behavior.
And so, since I'm not comfortable taking on what seems most appropriately a rallying cry for women standing up against a repugnant status quo, I won't say, "Me, too."
My most recent experience is when my girlfriend who is a school teacher was sextually harrased by a much older new work colleague and when she reported it nothing was done about it.
Another woman teacher said she saw him saying how pretty all the girls were in class and noticed the confused, scared look on their faces. Together along with the support of other woman teachers brought it to the attention of the faculty and he was fired. It was only acted on because if the girls told their parents about it the school would most definitely get sued. In the meantime I watched my girlfriend hesitant to go to work and discuss her interactions with him everyday for a year.
That is why it goes unreported because in many circumstances nothing is done about it.
In another thread my post was deleted because of my heart felt realization and direct discussion of sexual harassment.
Self control is a big part of a civilization we need to keep teaching that.
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