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Old 10-20-2018, 05:52 PM
 
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I'm confused about why lifelong marriage isn't "realistic" if by the statistic, that 40-50 percent of marriages end in divorce, and the rate of divorce is significantly higher for repeat marriages.

So therefore, more than half of the married couples don't divorce.

So yeah. I'd say "lifelong marriage" is a very realistic goal if more than half can succeed at it.
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Old 10-20-2018, 05:59 PM
 
Location: Florida -
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With the great success of divorce, second to fifth marriages and singles beyond about thirty, I'm surprised everyone isn't lining-up to excitedly join these groups!

From the beginning, marriage was intended by God to be a lifetime commitment ... not a temporary convenience. Intact families are the core of a stable society.

Without the long-term commitment part, marriage is reduced to 'extended dating' and children become little more than an 'obstacle to one's personal enjoyment' or collateral damage whenever one party wants out.

BTW, we've been married 50-years, many of which were difficult, but, because of our level of commitment to each other, we worked things out.
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Old 10-20-2018, 06:15 PM
 
Location: Honolulu, HI
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coschristi View Post
No; it’s not realistic to expect marriage to last a lifetime; given that our marriage “customs” (which are relatively brand new in the context of human history) are so ... unrealistic.

Now; it’s all about you. Make yourself happy by marrying ... make yourself happy by walking away.
Agreed and good point. Certainly there are benefits to being married such as taxes, finances, stability for kids, companionship, etc. but the statistics reflect that each human is far too complex and ever-changing to be binded by a contract telling them who they’re allowed to be faithful to for the rest of their lives.

Being newly married myself, me and my wife have an understating that this is more about “longterm partnership” than any marriage.

Society touts marriage as the next logical step for young adults but more times than not, it only complicates an otherwise sincere relationship. As the saying goes, “Marriage, betting someone half your stuff you’ll love eachother forever.”
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Old 10-20-2018, 09:21 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma
1,899 posts, read 646,450 times
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Been married 35 years to my high school sweetheart. I can’t imagine us separating into different lives. You won’t find many marriages that have not had hardships. Many leave worthwhile marriages, while some leave bad marriages.

IMO, a good marriage may be as simple as seeing your wife’s/partners name/surname when the phones rings and it being pleasant to see, while a bad when it is not.

Of course, it is realistic to consider marriage a lifetime vow/contract/partnership.
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Old 10-21-2018, 04:56 AM
 
Location: The Triad (NC)
26,831 posts, read 57,830,396 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
I'd say "lifelong marriage" is a very realistic goal if more than half can succeed at it.
The argument is that those are the exception not the rule.
And that those couples chose very well and/or have become too bound up to separate later on.

And while "life long" might be a worthy goal that isn't enough to make it an expectation...
that a 40-60 year tenure is there for the asking.
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Old 10-21-2018, 07:20 AM
 
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So far so good with us, thirty years into the enterprise. So, yeah, it's realistic.
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Old 10-21-2018, 07:31 AM
 
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I think it is possible. How? Every morning I think about what I want, which is to stay married to my husband. Then I ask him what he wants. He says he wants to stay married to me. Great. Then you better do what I say. That is part joke and part true since I am the one who cooks around here.

Marriages end because the marriage didn't allow for changes. It's that simple. As has been mentioned, people are not the same at 50 as they were at 30. True. That is why I don't have rules for my husband. If he develops a new interest, I want to see it as it happens. Then I can decide at that time if it is something I can live with or if I need to up my game or if it is time to start saving even more money.

To allow for changes, marriages need signals that when no longer there, communicate clearly to take notice. Marriages, or individuals, need to know their choices. Then a plan needs to be put in place for each possible choice.

First, there needs to be a clear sign that there is a problem. That's the communication part. So the first thing any married couple should do is develop a behavior that is consistent, daily and affectionate. For example, when a couple is near each other, even in passing, they should touch. When a partner fails to do this one day, pay attention.

The first sign that there is a problem in my household is I stop cooking. It is the most effective since it hits all of the senses. When I cook, I do it out of love and inspiration. If what is happening in my marriage doesn't inspire me or make me feel loved, then I simply can't perform. He needs to move quickly if he wants to eat and so the "talk" follows.

So if he is fine with not eating, then I am fine with not cooking, because really, I can live off off chicken salads and spinach smoothies. I know this looks like a slippery slope but I have a plan. If I can stop spending my free time shopping for food, researching new recipes or methods, cooking and then cleaning, then he is free to pursue his new interest and I get to see what this new interest is all about. It has benefited both sides. We are eating lighter and healthier. (He seriously like spinach smoothies. Who would have thought? LOL.) And we are pushing aside traditional roles and pursuing new ones.

So, like I said, marriages end because changes weren't allowed.
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Old 10-21-2018, 07:40 AM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,961 posts, read 98,776,620 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrRational View Post
The argument is that those are the exception not the rule.
And that those couples chose very well and/or have become too bound up to separate later on.

And while "life long" might be a worthy goal that isn't enough to make it an expectation...
that a 40-60 year tenure is there for the asking.
But they're hardly "the exception" even if 50% of marriages end in divorce, and I believe I've seen some stats that show the divorce rate is decreasing. At 50%, half of all marriages succeed.
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Old 10-21-2018, 07:41 AM
 
3,961 posts, read 1,590,532 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
I'm confused about why lifelong marriage isn't "realistic" if by the statistic, that 40-50 percent of marriages end in divorce, and the rate of divorce is significantly higher for repeat marriages.

So therefore, more than half of the married couples don't divorce.

So yeah. I'd say "lifelong marriage" is a very realistic goal if more than half can succeed at it.

He wasn't really asking a question. He was looking for an out.



The key, by the way, is the age you marry. If you marry young, your odds of the marriage ending in divorce are quite high. If you wait a few years, the chances of the marriage ending in divorce plunge.


60 percent of couples married between the age of 20 -25 will end in divorce.


Those who wait to marry until they are over 25 years old are 24 percent less likely to get divorced.
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Old 10-21-2018, 08:52 AM
 
Location: The Triad (NC)
26,831 posts, read 57,830,396 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
At 50%, half of all marriages succeed.
Well, they don't end in divorce. Is that supposed to be the same thing?
In any other context a 50% "success" rate is pretty weak odds.

So... Succeed in continuing to exist? Maintaining their status quo? Inertia?
Now consider the role of medical advancement and legal encumbrance.

Sure the math is clear enough about what the effect of all this is on the numbers.
Do you really think that addresses the point of (the poorly phrased) OP topic question?
I don't.
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