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Old 11-12-2008, 02:01 PM
 
Location: Ottawa, Canada
609 posts, read 1,043,265 times
Reputation: 173

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do you think its possibel to trivialize somethign that happened to you in a grand context to make the pain hurt less?

for example.. (its not an example im going to be honest) a really bad breakup doesn tseem that bad when you comapre it to the fact that millions of children are starving?? im so selfish with my own misery, when in fact its really insignificant in comparison.. (although it doesnt feel insignificant to me)

of course we run into problems when we use this sort of reasoning such as when you compare two similar cases

for example try rationalizing to a family that thier "dad dieing in his sleep" wasnt that bad cause 'it could be worse, he could ahve been eaten alive".

after hearing that, i doubt anyone would be able to say '... hes absolutely right, could be worse!!!"

so what do you think??
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Old 11-12-2008, 02:16 PM
 
8,415 posts, read 34,319,158 times
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I always do this. I call it "perspective"

And then I still complain and try to make jokes of it. LOL
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Old 11-12-2008, 02:17 PM
 
5,273 posts, read 11,904,652 times
Reputation: 5745
Itís possible, but I donít think itís healthy.

Pain is very real to people. I think itís important to face and deal with the pain as it is. For example- when a 2-year old is crying about something, as adults we may overlook it, but itís very real to that child. Itís important to see it from their perspective and deal with it at that level. Whatís painful to one may not be to another. To ignore or trivialize that personís pain is another way of saying ďI really donít careĒ. Itís a cheap & easy way out.
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Old 11-12-2008, 02:42 PM
 
9,863 posts, read 8,979,797 times
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As a kid how many times, at meals, did I hear ... clean your plate there are children starving in India ... at that time I never pondered the children starving in India ... I just didn't want to eat the broccoli or green bean casserole ... the kids in India could have it.

A break-up hurts ... no amount of trivializing will make the pain go away ... you just make it through in 24 hour increments and hope the pain and memories will subside. Someday it will become a distant memory. It just takes time ... one doesn't just cut love on and off easily.

My dad passed away quick ... he was here and zap he was dead ... so many people would hug me and say 'at least he didn't suffer.' I sincerely appreciated all the friends and relatives that visited and lended their support during that time but nothing they said to me mattered ... their presence was comforting ... but hey my dad was gone and I loved him dearly and my grief was overwhelming and nothing they said made my pain hurt less. Their intentions were good and just being there for me meant so much more then their trivializing about his death. Most people are uncomfortable around those situations and try their best to be a comfort.

As I was raising my children I would catch myself with the 'starving kids in India' and would think to myself .. BITE YOUR TONGUE ... you are turning into your mother!
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Old 11-12-2008, 03:47 PM
 
Location: 38į14′45″N 122į37′53″W
4,152 posts, read 9,578,000 times
Reputation: 3398
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolinaWoman View Post
As a kid how many times, at meals, did I hear ... clean your plate there are children starving in India ... at that time I never pondered the children starving in India ... I just didn't want to eat the broccoli or green bean casserole ... the kids in India could have it.

As I was raising my children I would catch myself with the 'starving kids in India' and would think to myself .. BITE YOUR TONGUE ... you are turning into your mother!
Someone just told me that writer Thomas Friedman grew up hearing the same thing from his mother, but now he has altered it for today's times:

Finish your homework there are kids in India that want your jobs!
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Old 11-12-2008, 04:05 PM
 
Location: Ottawa, Canada
609 posts, read 1,043,265 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bellalunatic View Post
Someone just told me that writer Thomas Friedman grew up hearing the same thing from his mother, but now he has altered it for today's times:

Finish your homework there are kids in India that want your jobs!
wow i was tyring to have a serious conversation here that had nothing to do with politics, or economics or anything..

anyways most of the other comments ahve been very helpful. the probelm is my alst relationship of only 3 months let me devastated for like 2 years!

isnt that messed up?? so this one of 2 years is going to break me for how long??16 years??? especially with all the lies ive been told. the cheating. it hurts..

anyways thansk for some of the posts
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Old 11-12-2008, 04:11 PM
 
Location: Ottawa, Canada
609 posts, read 1,043,265 times
Reputation: 173
Quote:
Originally Posted by BLAZER PROPHET View Post
Itís possible, but I donít think itís healthy.

Pain is very real to people. I think itís important to face and deal with the pain as it is. For example- when a 2-year old is crying about something, as adults we may overlook it, but itís very real to that child. Itís important to see it from their perspective and deal with it at that level. Whatís painful to one may not be to another. To ignore or trivialize that personís pain is another way of saying ďI really donít careĒ. Itís a cheap & easy way out.
i agree completely but when i think about trivializing it, i dont mean suppressing it. i mean taking a real step back, almost like a 3rd perosn kinda stance and saying. "hey i feel like crap now, but didnt i feel like that with the alst gf? and didnt i get over it???".


or saying "wow that was a long time, 2 years, but people have marriages that end after 20 years, with children. mine is not that bad when i think about it that way?"


of coruse hiding emotional pain is damaging, most definently, but really putting it into perspective in your own life can be helpful no?
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Old 11-13-2008, 01:36 PM
 
Location: Orlando, Florida
43,858 posts, read 43,559,234 times
Reputation: 58603
Quote:
Originally Posted by leangk View Post
wow i was tyring to have a serious conversation here that had nothing to do with politics, or economics or anything..

anyways most of the other comments ahve been very helpful. the probelm is my alst relationship of only 3 months let me devastated for like 2 years!

isnt that messed up?? so this one of 2 years is going to break me for how long??16 years??? especially with all the lies ive been told. the cheating. it hurts..

anyways thansk for some of the posts
You may never completely get over the person.....but you will learn to live without them. You aren't being selfish at all. Your pain is just as sharp regardless of how many other people in the world are hurting. Good luck to you my friend.
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Old 11-14-2008, 09:27 AM
 
Location: Orlando
8,181 posts, read 16,153,579 times
Reputation: 49730
Quote:
Originally Posted by leangk View Post
do you think its possibel to trivialize somethign that happened to you in a grand context to make the pain hurt less?

for example.. (its not an example im going to be honest) a really bad breakup doesn tseem that bad when you comapre it to the fact that millions of children are starving?? im so selfish with my own misery, when in fact its really insignificant in comparison.. (although it doesnt feel insignificant to me)

of course we run into problems when we use this sort of reasoning such as when you compare two similar cases

for example try rationalizing to a family that thier "dad dieing in his sleep" wasnt that bad cause 'it could be worse, he could ahve been eaten alive".

after hearing that, i doubt anyone would be able to say '... hes absolutely right, could be worse!!!"

so what do you think??
I get where you're coming from.

Pain is a very real emotion. You're emotional pain is yours alone. Of course there are starving kids everywhere but what does that have to do with what you're feeling right now.

Nothing bothers me more than if someone says....I have a headache and someone else feels the need to tell them....well I know someone that has a brain tumor. So what, does that mean the origianal person's head doesn't hurt? Of course not.

Or, if you've recently been dumped or going thru a hard time...you put the information out there and somebody else thinks you shouldn't feel bad because somebody else got run over by a bus.

I say deal with your pain and let the guilt dumpers deal with the brain tumors and bus hitters.
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Old 11-14-2008, 11:10 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,841 posts, read 51,286,023 times
Reputation: 27648
"the probelm is my alst relationship of only 3 months let me devastated for like 2 years!

isnt that messed up?? so this one of 2 years is going to break me for how long??16 years??? especially with all the lies ive been told. the cheating. it hurts.."

Being eaten alive might not be THAT bad...

First, I think you confuse emotional pain, psychic pain, and physical pain. I trivialize physical pain fairly regularly, since I understand the purpose of it and don't always need it. If I go to the dentist with a tooth problem, I'll focus on trying to flood my brain with everything I can feel in my big toe. The tooth pain has to take a back seat.

With emotional pain, like loss of a long term loved one, the pain is also often refocused purposefully into such things as memorial funds, charity work, or simply holding the values of the person in memory. The pain is "trivialized" into a larger perspective. While it may never go away completely, it is turned from a negative energy into a force for good.

In the case of a lost love and short relationship, there can be other factors involved. That person can be a representative of your own animus or anima, and represent a loss of a part of yourself. Or that person can be a co-dependant to you that made you more of a functioning whole individual. In such a case, a personal growth therapist can help you explore how you are cheating yourself by investing parts of your soul in others.

While a certain amount of co-dependency or sharing of tasks according to strengths is a part of most relationships, investing so deeply that you are messed up for two years after a six month relationship isn't very helpful. The fact that you found out about the negatives of the person after the fact and still have feelings for them is a real indicator that you didn't love the person, but the idealized vision of that person. What you are mourning has less to do with that person than it does with you. Learning to stop beating yourself up is a first step towards finding a more fullfilling real relationship. If it has taken you this long and you still have issues, shop for someone who can guide and assist you in moving forward. I would suggest a non-judgmental Jungian therapist or counselor. It might be expensive, but compared to the costs of a couple of divorces, and a lot more negative feelings, it will be cheap.
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