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Old 07-28-2010, 11:19 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,201,318 times
Reputation: 3519

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Thanks for all of your wonderful posts...Thanks for the links and for recommending books etc...Sorry about your losses...I have lost most everyone in my immediate family except for one son...My older son died a few years ago when he was only 37...I just wasn't prepared to lose my husband right now...He was very active despite his cancer...We lived a normal life....There is a part of me that really wants to go too...But I can't leave because my son and cats and close friends depend on me...I am "stuck" here....I have to find a way and the will to go on anyway...It hasn't been easy at all...My son and I and my husband kept saying "I love you" to each other before my husband started slipping away. We even apologized for not being our "best" with each other all the time....We all cried together too and hugged the best we could........Talking about it helps. Thanks....But there are times when it's hard to talk or do much. Thanks for taking the time to write and care...I've been a pretty "tough cookie" all my life but I've also been a big "feeler" too.
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Old 07-28-2010, 11:26 AM
 
Location: East Valley, AZ
3,852 posts, read 8,056,343 times
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I was in the process of responding to your DM, CArizona, when I saw this thread. I have to put in my $.02...

One of the first things I did when I found out my mother passed away was to set up an appointment with a counselor for when I came back into town. I knew I would need it after I left my family to go back to my routine. My 6 siblings were the only reason I made it through the first 2 weeks. After that, I was on my own back in AZ.

I can't say a counselor will solve all your problems when it comes to grief, but it's nice to be able to talk to someone. For me, where I'm over 600 miles away from any relatives, I need that counseling.

Tonight is my third session.
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Old 07-28-2010, 11:34 AM
 
Location: Jollyville, TX
3,704 posts, read 9,133,982 times
Reputation: 4069
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ohiogirl81 View Post
I'm sorry about your husband.

First of all, let yourself grieve, and do not allow anyone else to tell you how you "should" be feeling. Everyone works through their losses differently. Tell your friends what you need from them, instead of letting them tell you, or waiting them to guess what you need.

While never experiencing grief at that level, I have found it helpful after a loss to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, going through the motions, or whatever you'd like to call it. It takes time, but eventually you'll put more thought into the motions and less into your own head.

When my father died, a friend gave me a book "Making Loss Matter." It wasn't the best book I'd ever read, but it did help.

If you're a person of faith, let that faith and those who share it help you work through your grief.

And please, if you find your grief overwhelming you to the point where you can't get out of bed, or where your day-to-day life changes drastically, or where, God forbid, you think about harming yourself, find someone to talk to professionally.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
I'm so sorry for your loss. It makes us realize how precious life is.

When my father died, someone gave me a book that helped its called "Don't Take My Grief Away". I lost my copy, or I'd send it to you. It talks about how grief is a process, it can be "normal" to take from 6 months to 2 years to have grief pass to the point its bearable, but don't let anyone tell you when and how you're supposed to deal with it. Its your grief, only you can deal with it.

Take care
Excellent posts both....I lost my husband of 10 years when I was just 29. It was back in the mid 80's and I lived in a small town so I didn't have anywhere to turn for support. I picked up "Don't Take My Grief Away" at the bookstore, and it was by far the best book I've read on grieving.

My best friends at the time really helped me by allowing me to tell them what I needed. When I just needed to cry, they got the Kleenex out and cried with me and when I needed a diversion, they took me out and kept me occupied.

To me the hardest part was having so many overwhelming emotions running rampant through my brain at the same time. I just tried to let them come, not question them and not try to squash them. It does ease up eventually but there is no defined timeline - it's totally individual.

My heart goes out to you and I am sorry for your loss. It's great to see all the support and advice on here.
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Old 07-28-2010, 12:56 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,201,318 times
Reputation: 3519
Thanks for caring...We don't have many or any good counselors in this area...and the ones we have are over-priced compared to what they have to offer....I have a background in psychology but it can be hard to "heal oneself" at times...The support group is so-so...I'm just trying to let it all come out in bits and pieces so I don't "drown." And I try to find something to smile or laugh about once in awhile and have some diversions....But it will all come back for quite awhile....I know this. Thanks for sharing your stories and how you've handled things...This helps me feel less alone. Sorry about your losses too...Wish it was easier....I worry about people who don't let themselves feel at all....When my Mom died unexpectedly my Dad didn't let himself take Mom's death in all the way or feel very much...A short time later his mind split off and he developed Dementia or Alzheimers. Sad.
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Old 07-28-2010, 01:15 PM
 
293 posts, read 861,259 times
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I am so very sorry for your loss. I don't know how long it has been for you but do reach out for help. Church is a wonderful place for getting help and lots of good advice above on the posts.

I try to remember what they would want us to feel. They would want us to feel joy again and not be sad forever. Easier said that done, but that helps me a bit.
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Old 07-29-2010, 08:29 AM
 
Location: NJ
9,289 posts, read 20,334,422 times
Reputation: 6426
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
My husband died recently and it's sure hard to move out of my paralysis...I've read about grief many times through the years when other loved ones died....But none of it prepared me for losing my very best friend and lifelong companion...Losing a spouse really "hits home." In reality "home" will never be the same again....How have you handled grief? Sometimes people "mean well" but what they say doesn't work for me....Have you ever felt like this? Thanks for listening. Talking and writing seems to help at times...But at other times I just don't want to bother with much.
I'm sorry he lost his fight. How long has he been gone?

You have to give yourself time to deal with the loss.
Even though he had the cancer diagnosis & you watched him during that time; nothing prepares you for when they actually go.

Do not make any decisions for the 1st year such as selling your house; unless you absolutely can't afford it. My MIL lost her hub of 50 years; immediately put the house on the market; got taken advantage of during the sale/closing and also bought another smaller place where she's very unhappy at. There were things she didn't think of such as HOA (home owners association). I think had she waited to sell and taken her time she would be happier with her choice.

You lost your hubby. It's going to take time. I've mentioned that I lost my dad (had a strong bond) and it still hurts 4 years later.

~Hugs
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Old 07-29-2010, 12:00 PM
 
Location: Texas
8,668 posts, read 19,969,189 times
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My condolences on your loss. ((hugs)) I have not lost a spouse, thankfully, but I have lost an only child at age 16. I notice you have lost a son a few years back as well. I also concur with Pamela above that says grief takes time and how much varies. But obviously, if you have lost a son you are no stranger to grief, and likely already know this.

When my husband & I were preparing to lead a grief recovery class, I asked some widows what seemed to help them the most, and the most common response was individual counseling. You indicate above that this may not be an option for you, but just telling you what they told me. I am glad that you mention having some close friends. Some of our close friends are what helped us get through the first year after the loss of our son. That's one thing I think it very important...don't isolate yourself. Force yourself to have some people contact if necessary.

Since losing our child, I have read quite a few grief recovery books. If your worldview is Christian (as is mine) I would highly recommend Zig Ziglar's book, Confessions of a Grieving Christian. I also read a book entitled Let Me Grieve but Not Forever by Verdell Davis that I thought was pretty good from a widow's perspective. These 2 can be ordered from Amazon.com. Actually, I still an extra copy of the Ziglar book. If you would like to read it, please just dm me and I will send it to you. Of course, I do realize that everyone is not a "reader" but books helped me quite a bit at that time with my grief.

Last edited by kaykay; 07-29-2010 at 12:24 PM..
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Old 07-29-2010, 12:15 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,201,318 times
Reputation: 3519
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr View Post
I'm sorry he lost his fight. How long has he been gone?

You have to give yourself time to deal with the loss.
Even though he had the cancer diagnosis & you watched him during that time; nothing prepares you for when they actually go.

Do not make any decisions for the 1st year such as selling your house; unless you absolutely can't afford it. My MIL lost her hub of 50 years; immediately put the house on the market; got taken advantage of during the sale/closing and also bought another smaller place where she's very unhappy at. There were things she didn't think of such as HOA (home owners association). I think had she waited to sell and taken her time she would be happier with her choice.

You lost your hubby. It's going to take time. I've mentioned that I lost my dad (had a strong bond) and it still hurts 4 years later.

~Hugs
Thanks for writing and caring....My husband "left" a week ago today. I was up late last night and started feeling weird around the time he died at one or so in the morning...It was hard for me to breathe.....Sure do miss him. Wish he was still here right beside me....Sorry that your MiL moved too quickly without thinking things through all the way. I'd love to get out of the area too because everything here reminds me of my husband and it's painful and sad to go out and about without him. But I am not going to do anything rash right now. Thanks again for writing and caring.
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Old 07-29-2010, 12:41 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,201,318 times
Reputation: 3519
kaykay...Thanks to you and everyone else for writing. Hope to respond to everyone soon...I am sorry that you lost your only child. What a loss...I'm glad you found a way to recover and move on with your life. Great that you decided to help others with their grief....I am rather isolated and alone in this area. I just have my son and cats mostly...Everyone else lives far away....I turned to the forum so I would have more people to talk to and wouldn't feel quite so alone. My son is going through shock and grief too but we try to help each other the best we can.
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Old 07-29-2010, 03:39 PM
 
Location: NJ
9,289 posts, read 20,334,422 times
Reputation: 6426
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Thanks for writing and caring....My husband "left" a week ago today. I was up late last night and started feeling weird around the time he died at one or so in the morning...It was hard for me to breathe.....Sure do miss him. Wish he was still here right beside me....Sorry that your MiL moved too quickly without thinking things through all the way. I'd love to get out of the area too because everything here reminds me of my husband and it's painful and sad to go out and about without him. But I am not going to do anything rash right now. Thanks again for writing and caring.
I'm so sorry. Your loss is so very fresh.
My dad was the 1st person I lost (who I was really close to).. I used to "relive" it on Monday nights. I had a hard time watching the show 24 because he started going downhill after the program ended. I also get flash-backs if I take a quick shower because I ran home to shower before his breathing changed.

You want to pick up the phone & call them; you drive by somewhere & think of them or songs on the radio.

Have you felt him near you yet? I used to have greeting cards fall on the floor - say I was feeling down - I'd go into the closet to get something, and a card would fall. Looking at the card it would be one to fit how I was feeling
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