U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-29-2010, 08:47 PM
 
Location: playing in the colorful Colorado dirt
4,486 posts, read 4,330,896 times
Reputation: 6932

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr View Post
I'm so sorry. Your loss is so very fresh.
My dad was the 1st person I lost (who I was really close to).. I used to "relive" it on Monday nights. I had a hard time watching the show 24 because he started going downhill after the program ended. I also get flash-backs if I take a quick shower because I ran home to shower before his breathing changed.

You want to pick up the phone & call them; you drive by somewhere & think of them or songs on the radio.

Have you felt him near you yet? I used to have greeting cards fall on the floor - say I was feeling down - I'd go into the closet to get something, and a card would fall. Looking at the card it would be one to fit how I was feeling
Just his way of letting you know he was still looking out for you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-31-2010, 10:56 AM
 
3,700 posts, read 3,026,594 times
Reputation: 10007
It's been almost three years since my wife died, in that time I've had days when I just couldn't pull it all together, I was emotionally, physically, spiritually, depleted. Most of those around me thought that the death of my wife equated to their own loss of a friend, father or mother, grandparents, etc, but nothing is quite like the experience of coming home to the empty house after the funeral for your spouse. Half of you is dead for all practical purposes, you have to recreate your whole self again, it's a big order, and you are so down with the pain of it all that you find yourself not feeling anything. I told my stepson that I just didn't feel like traveling anymore but that wasn't the whole truth of course, I really couldn't say that I just didn't care to do anything at all, he wouldn't have understood.

Time does do a pretty good job of healing but even after all the time I've had I'm still an emotional wreck some days. I think the best thing to do is be involved with other people, especially those who are facing their own death in hospice care centers. I've done some volunteering in those places here in my area and believe me it really is a good way to see the power of the human spirit helping those who are dying face the end of life issues. You seldom see the young profoundly affected by death, I'm assuming it's the amount of time you spend with someone that determines the level of grief experienced at their death, for us older folks it's the end of a long term relationship that goes beyond the understanding of those who haven't experienced it......
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-31-2010, 11:47 AM
 
Location: NJ
9,164 posts, read 20,201,974 times
Reputation: 6215
Quote:
Originally Posted by jertheber View Post
Most of those around me thought that the death of my wife equated to their own loss of a friend, father or mother, grandparents, etc, but nothing is quite like the experience of coming home to the empty house after the funeral for your spouse. Half of you is dead for all practical purposes, you have to recreate your whole self again, it's a big order, and you are so down with the pain of it all that you find yourself not feeling anything.
I'm sorry you lost your wife.
I respectfully disagree with your statement above. I feel the pain from losing someone is a personal thing; it all depends on the relationship between the 2 people.

In my case, my dad was like my "husband". I've worked with him @ the family business since I was 11. We were together from 6:30 am until we both went to sleep @ night. When I got married, I still worked there; and when he was diagnosed, it was me who was in charge & saw him every day.

His "wife" (of 30+ years) was happy to lose him. Her words to me on the way to the funeral home was how she needed to find a man to get sex. She did not hold his hand when he passed, I & my son did. I was the last person he looked at. After the viewing, she proceeded to throw all of his belongings away.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-31-2010, 11:48 AM
 
19,081 posts, read 21,194,953 times
Reputation: 13392
Quote:
Originally Posted by jertheber View Post
It's been almost three years since my wife died, in that time I've had days when I just couldn't pull it all together, I was emotionally, physically, spiritually, depleted. Most of those around me thought that the death of my wife equated to their own loss of a friend, father or mother, grandparents, etc, but nothing is quite like the experience of coming home to the empty house after the funeral for your spouse. Half of you is dead for all practical purposes, you have to recreate your whole self again, it's a big order, and you are so down with the pain of it all that you find yourself not feeling anything. I told my stepson that I just didn't feel like traveling anymore but that wasn't the whole truth of course, I really couldn't say that I just didn't care to do anything at all, he wouldn't have understood.
Can't be said any better. I'm sorry for everyone's loss in this thread.

Quote:
Time does do a pretty good job of healing but even after all the time I've had I'm still an emotional wreck some days. I think the best thing to do is be involved with other people, especially those who are facing their own death in hospice care centers. I've done some volunteering in those places here in my area and believe me it really is a good way to see the power of the human spirit helping those who are dying face the end of life issues. You seldom see the young profoundly affected by death, I'm assuming it's the amount of time you spend with someone that determines the level of grief experienced at their death, for us older folks it's the end of a long term relationship that goes beyond the understanding of those who haven't experienced it......
Thank you for posting this. Volunteering at hospice is a great idea. I think I'll look into that as well.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-31-2010, 02:37 PM
 
9,415 posts, read 11,274,306 times
Reputation: 20186
I am so sorry for your the loss of your beloved husband. I lost my Dad last year and I still feel kind of numb. I can be driving to work and suddenly think "I don't have a Father anymore" and the tears start coming.

We weren't all that close so I can't begin to imagine how you feel. I do wish inner peace for you though. We all handle grief in a different way.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-01-2010, 06:45 PM
 
Location: So Ca
13,865 posts, read 13,545,555 times
Reputation: 11793
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
...there are times when it's hard to talk or do much.
Have you read C.S. Lewis's book A Grief Observed? He wrote it after his wife died; it's under 100 pages. I was given it years ago after my father died and I thought Lewis perfectly captured that awful, empty, hollow feeling one endures after they've lost someone so close. I read the passages over and over again for months. I also attended a grief recovery class at a local hospital. It was the only place I could go where no one said, "shouldn't you stop dwelling on this by now?" or words to that effect. All the best to you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-06-2010, 09:56 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
Reputation: 3514
It must be hard to know what to say when a friend is going through grief...I've run into a weird situation...I like to "thank" people for caring about me and doing things to try to help me. But some people seem to have trouble with my "thank you's." A few friends have made me feel like a weirdo for thanking them...Now I feel self conscious about it and tend to "keep to myself" a lot more these days...The novelty has worn off and most people seem to expect me to be "cured" by now....They handed me their "medicine" and their advice and seem disappointed that I am not farther along on the "road to recovery."...I can see some progress in myself but it seems like a "long road" to me...not a "short road" or a "simple task" to "get over" losing my husband and best friend after so many years of "togetherness." I am in a "pickle" because so many people seem to expect me to be different by now...It has only been 2 weeks and a day since my husband passed away...Any thoughts about any of this? Thanks...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-06-2010, 10:37 AM
 
Location: NJ
9,164 posts, read 20,201,974 times
Reputation: 6215
Everyone is different. My friend (elderly) lost his lady friend of 10 years a little over a month ago. I try to mention her when we talk & see how the conversation goes - letting him lead.

I've found that people just don't know what to say & avoid it (or so I'm told) - same thing with my hub's cancer; I can write a book on who mentioned what & who didn't. Most people did not ask how I was doing.

Try to hang in there. The best advice I can give is to find others in your shoes; that's why I said to go to a cancer board; or you can find a grief board.. or stay here. The only people that understand what you're going through have been through it themselves. It is going to take time - it may take years. There is a huge hole in your heart & soul & only you can know when it's time to start healing.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-06-2010, 12:03 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
Reputation: 3514
Roselvr...Thanks for writing. And thanks for all the links you sent me...I checked them out but didn't sign up yet...Guess I was just relying on existing friends and a few new friends too...Everything has sort of "bottomed-out" right now...I need something else...I feel like everyone wants me to hurry up and go back to who I used to be but that person doesn't really exist in the same way right now...Looks like I am going to have to get "reborn" at some point and reinvent myself and start all over again from scratch so to speak....Not at all what I expected or wanted at this point in my life...None of it is as easy as others may think....I am not trying to be a "troublemaker." I don't want to be mean or disappoint anyone....But it's just not easy to process and adjust to all of it overnight... Sounds like you can relate...Thanks for coming back and hanging-in with me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-06-2010, 12:54 PM
 
Location: Texas
8,668 posts, read 19,914,691 times
Reputation: 21277
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Roselvr...Thanks for writing. And thanks for all the links you sent me...I checked them out but didn't sign up yet...Guess I was just relying on existing friends and a few new friends too...Everything has sort of "bottomed-out" right now...I need something else...I feel like everyone wants me to hurry up and go back to who I used to be but that person doesn't really exist in the same way right now...Looks like I am going to have to get "reborn" at some point and reinvent myself and start all over again from scratch so to speak....Not at all what I expected or wanted at this point in my life...None of it is as easy as others may think....I am not trying to be a "troublemaker." I don't want to be mean or disappoint anyone....But it's just not easy to process and adjust to all of it overnight... Sounds like you can relate...Thanks for coming back and hanging-in with me.
I have tried to get a grief forum put on C-D but every time it's been "up for a vote" about which new forums should be added, other stuff wins out. I think it is much needed and still hope it will happen in the future.

When we lost our son in 2001, it helped me a lot to find a forum for bereaved parents. I found one not just for bereaved parents but actually a forum entitled Alive Alone that was just for parents who, like ourselves, who had lost either their only child or all their children. This helped me a lot get through the first 8 or 9 months. Our friends did not seem overly eager to talk about our son, Aaron, or our loss. They are not professional counselors, after all, and can't really be expected to assume that role. But we did rely on our good friends to continue to provide love and companionship in our lives when we needed it so badly.
If you have some links for grief forums, I would encourage you to try to find as specific one as you can and get to posting. I think it does indeed help to be able to share with others and them with you. ((hugs))
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top