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Old 08-06-2010, 01:56 PM
 
Location: Jollyville, TX
3,704 posts, read 9,106,092 times
Reputation: 4068

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Frankly, what people "expect" of you and what you need are going to be different. Please don't let others' perception of what you should be feeling or thinking or doing keep you from processing this grief in your own way. It's their problem not yours. Don't let their judgement of you or actions towards you influence what you need.

For the life of me, I don't know why people who aren't experiencing what you are try to dictate your behavior. It happened to me...I felt I was constantly watched and judged to make sure my behavior was in line with their expectations. It's a time when you find out who your true friends are - they stay by your side and support you no matter what. You'll find your own way when you're ready...don't try to force it.
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Old 08-06-2010, 07:11 PM
 
Location: NJ
9,224 posts, read 20,241,791 times
Reputation: 6347
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Roselvr...Thanks for writing. And thanks for all the links you sent me...I checked them out but didn't sign up yet...Guess I was just relying on existing friends and a few new friends too...Everything has sort of "bottomed-out" right now...I need something else...I feel like everyone wants me to hurry up and go back to who I used to be but that person doesn't really exist in the same way right now...Looks like I am going to have to get "reborn" at some point and reinvent myself and start all over again from scratch so to speak....Not at all what I expected or wanted at this point in my life...None of it is as easy as others may think....I am not trying to be a "troublemaker." I don't want to be mean or disappoint anyone....But it's just not easy to process and adjust to all of it overnight... Sounds like you can relate...Thanks for coming back and hanging-in with me.
It's so very hard, especially in a situation with an illness. You go from being together & running to appointments, etc, then nothing. When my dad passed; I was thankful his suffering was not long & he got to keep his dignity; but having my FIL get sick - it was the 1st phone call we got when we got home from the viewing - my hub left me to go be with him & his mom - and until he passed 6 weeks later I was pretty much on my own with my family drama & waiting for my DNA test results to come. When my FIL passed 6 weeks later, it hit me like a ton of bricks & that's when the shock from losing my dad came. The a year later we got hit again with cancer (MIL) & it kept opening the wound.

There was a time I pretty much kept to myself; pretty much because people don't understand.

Your pain is so new & fresh; it probably has not fully hit you yet.
Are there any local groups for you? My MIL found a group; I'm pretty sure she still goes. Someone also used to go to her house.

Did you have hospice? If so, they offer services.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kaykay View Post
I have tried to get a grief forum put on C-D but every time it's been "up for a vote" about which new forums should be added, other stuff wins out. I think it is much needed and still hope it will happen in the future.
Maybe it's time to ask again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kaykay View Post
Our friends did not seem overly eager to talk about our son, Aaron, or our loss. They are not professional counselors, after all, and can't really be expected to assume that role. But we did rely on our good friends to continue to provide love and companionship in our lives when we needed it so badly.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope it is never something I have to experience. My ex-MIL lost a child when he was 17; then buried her 40 year old daughter.

I'm sorry people are not talking about your son because I found it very helpful after losing my dad. His friends were great. One lady wrote 2 beautiful tributes for him; one for the viewing and one for a tree of lights dedication.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Moonlady View Post
Frankly, what people "expect" of you and what you need are going to be different. Please don't let others' perception of what you should be feeling or thinking or doing keep you from processing this grief in your own way. It's their problem not yours. Don't let their judgement of you or actions towards you influence what you need.

For the life of me, I don't know why people who aren't experiencing what you are try to dictate your behavior. It happened to me...I felt I was constantly watched and judged to make sure my behavior was in line with their expectations. It's a time when you find out who your true friends are - they stay by your side and support you no matter what. You'll find your own way when you're ready...don't try to force it.
Nicely said
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Old 08-07-2010, 12:24 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,181,354 times
Reputation: 3514
Thanks for your caring posts...I'm sorry for all of your losses too and the grief and suffering you went through...The only family member who lives closeby is my son and he has sure been wonderful. We're close to another couple and they have been great even though they are dealing with their own problems too. Our friend's young son had to have emergency surgery the other day and it was done at the same hospital where my husband passed away exactly two weeks earlier...My son and I went to be with our friends the day of the surgery and did ok. We should have called these friends when my husband took a turn and ended up dying but we didn't think about it because we have been used to "going it alone" for so long...Now we help our friends and they help us too....But these are the only friends who really "feel" and understand what we are going through out here....Thanks for listening and caring. I am used to being self-sufficient and it's so hard to ask for help....I sure feel paralyzed at times. Just do what I absolutely have to do and try to be loving and giving the best I can to my son and cats and good friends here.
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Old 08-07-2010, 12:54 PM
 
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
6,203 posts, read 15,028,440 times
Reputation: 7951
I've never lost a spouse, but I lost my mother when I was only 24 years old. The way it happened (she was murdered in Hollywood on Thanksgiving night in 1987) was the biggest shock. She was paranoid schizophrenic, and I still don't know how she ended up in Hollywood that night.

The shock, the numbness, the feeling of being in an alternate reality... It was very difficult. I was almost glad to go back to work, because it let me focus on something else.

CArizona, please be sure to take care of yourself physically. Eat even if you don't want to... Go for walks when you can, etc. I agree with others that writing can help. I'm very sorry for your loss; I can only imagine how devastating that must be.

Also, maybe you could join a volunteer group of some kind... Just do something that gets you out of the house and focusing on something other than your grief for a while. I'm not saying that you should try to forget about your husband (impossible, of course!), but a little distraction never hurt anyone, and you might feel better if you're helping others.

I agree with others who suggest that you not make any huge decisions (especially financially) if you don't have to. Best of luck, and *hugs*
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Old 08-07-2010, 02:25 PM
 
611 posts, read 635,376 times
Reputation: 939
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Thanks for your caring posts...I'm sorry for all of your losses too and the grief and suffering you went through...The only family member who lives closeby is my son and he has sure been wonderful. We're close to another couple and they have been great even though they are dealing with their own problems too. Our friend's young son had to have emergency surgery the other day and it was done at the same hospital where my husband passed away exactly two weeks earlier...My son and I went to be with our friends the day of the surgery and did ok. We should have called these friends when my husband took a turn and ended up dying but we didn't think about it because we have been used to "going it alone" for so long...Now we help our friends and they help us too....But these are the only friends who really "feel" and understand what we are going through out here....Thanks for listening and caring. I am used to being self-sufficient and it's so hard to ask for help....I sure feel paralyzed at times. Just do what I absolutely have to do and try to be loving and giving the best I can to my son and cats and good friends here.
It seems like you have a pretty good 'support system' with your son and your friends, CAz and this is very important.
None of us handle grief and loss in the exact same way. Lots of good people on this site have given you some great views and suggestions.
I'm not going to go into detail about my own tragedies, but I can tell you from my own experiences that your life will never be the same. However, it will become better and the raw pain that you are feeling right now actually does diminish with time. How much time? This also varies with each person. Everybody's situations and lives are very different.
You have mentioned feeling "paralyzed" and are finding it difficult to do many of your ordinary tasks.
If you have not visited your family physician recently, it might be a good idea to do so. He/she may want to prescribe something to temporarily ease you through this tragic time.
My heartfelt thoughts and wishes are with you now, sweetie. And I hope you will start to feel better soon.
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Old 08-07-2010, 11:21 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,181,354 times
Reputation: 3514
Thanks to all of you. Thanks for caring...Just a quickie. I'll write more tomorrow.
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Old 08-08-2010, 01:51 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,181,354 times
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Thanks again for caring and I am so sorry for your losses too...Sometimes I can "talk away" and talk a "mile a minute" but it's hard for me to talk at other times...My husband and I use to talk off and on all during the day and night about "everything under the sun." We were so so close...He really understood me like no one else ever did before...It's so hard to go on without him. He made everything "ok" even when we were going through stressful times. It's sure hard to even want to go on without him. I feel like a big part of me is "dead" too...but I try and try to keep on going anyway and try to find some joy in life anyway.....It's sure hard. I love my son and my cats so so much. They bring me love and joy too...But right now I am still in "pieces" and it's hard to "be normal" or "act normal" etc... Thanks for all of your posts and your caring. I am so sorry that you had to go through grief and loss too when your loved ones died.
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Old 03-02-2013, 03:45 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,480 posts, read 18,177,881 times
Reputation: 18862
I brought this thread back to life because I didn't really find a "good" thread to say what I just remembered.

I'm going back to talking abut our spouses and how we found "good" ones.

I just watch a movie called "Love and Other Drugs" about a guy who meets a woman with Parkinson's.

It reminded me of Earl. He knew almost from the day we first met at work that I had MS. He went to the doc's with me all the time after we became a couple. He even went into the MS Center to meet my neurologist and look at the MRIs and let her tell him what MS is and what it was doing to me and what could happen to me in the future. He understood and still stood by me and then married me. The only thing that scared him about dying was that he was going to be leaving me alone with no one to help me should I get worse. My babe was worried about me. I think I have talked about this before but pardon me while I yap again. Sorry. He was a stand-up guy.
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Old 03-03-2013, 08:41 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,181,354 times
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Tami...Good to talk and share and let your feelings out..Earl sounds like such a caring person and husband.. How are you doing with your MS now? Sorry that you have to "go it alone."...I miss the way my husband and son "understood" me! I miss the culture we shared together...Now I feel like a fish out of water and a "weirdo" and misfit a lot..The people who "got me" are gone!
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Old 03-04-2013, 05:41 AM
 
1,315 posts, read 3,060,535 times
Reputation: 934
I always talk to my wife as I will be leaving first. There is no reason for this, except women usually live longer. I think really though, I wouldn't want to live without her, but it is selfish to expect her to do the same, but I think she is stronger. Still, we don't get to decide. And for those that have lost, I can't imagine how difficult it is. It is nice to share things in common and I am sure this fourm is helping someone.
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