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Old 07-27-2010, 03:50 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,182,546 times
Reputation: 3514

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My husband died recently and it's sure hard to move out of my paralysis...I've read about grief many times through the years when other loved ones died....But none of it prepared me for losing my very best friend and lifelong companion...Losing a spouse really "hits home." In reality "home" will never be the same again....How have you handled grief? Sometimes people "mean well" but what they say doesn't work for me....Have you ever felt like this? Thanks for listening. Talking and writing seems to help at times...But at other times I just don't want to bother with much.
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Old 07-27-2010, 04:00 PM
 
Location: Arizona
1,034 posts, read 3,735,553 times
Reputation: 1346
I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how devastating this is for you.

Maybe it will help a little to know that just reading your post has really put things in perspective for me. This past weekend, my younger sister relocated to another state. I'm at a loss without her and have been crying for two days. She is my best friend in the world. Your post just reminded me to be happy that she is just a phone call and a plane trip away. I would be lost without her.

Keep writing and keep talking about it. Don't put a time limit on grief. This is something you will never fully get over and there is nothing wrong with that.

I agree with you that sometimes, people just don't know what to say and just keep blurting out words that make them seem callous. I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and kept it mostly to myself but a few people knew. It was a very private thing I had to deal with on my own. I took some time off work to just relax and be alone. I shed some tears while my husband asked me "what was wrong." He, and many others, just didn't get it. To me, I couldn't understand why the whole world didn't just stop and grieve with me. I am putting it behind me now, and with each day, the pain lessens.

I think that exercise and a routine are very important. No matter how down I feel, and no matter what the reason, I force myself to get out everyday and walk the trails by my home with my dog. On those walks, I watch the birds and other wildlife and the sky and just give thanks for everything I have, right down to the roof over my head. I feel it helps me.

Best wishes.
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Old 07-27-2010, 04:09 PM
 
Location: Philaburbia
31,227 posts, read 57,391,367 times
Reputation: 52091
I'm sorry about your husband.

First of all, let yourself grieve, and do not allow anyone else to tell you how you "should" be feeling. Everyone works through their losses differently. Tell your friends what you need from them, instead of letting them tell you, or waiting them to guess what you need.

While never experiencing grief at that level, I have found it helpful after a loss to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, going through the motions, or whatever you'd like to call it. It takes time, but eventually you'll put more thought into the motions and less into your own head.

When my father died, a friend gave me a book "Making Loss Matter." It wasn't the best book I'd ever read, but it did help.

If you're a person of faith, let that faith and those who share it help you work through your grief.

And please, if you find your grief overwhelming you to the point where you can't get out of bed, or where your day-to-day life changes drastically, or where, God forbid, you think about harming yourself, find someone to talk to professionally.
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Old 07-27-2010, 04:09 PM
 
Location: San Diego, Ca
747 posts, read 1,517,749 times
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First thing is I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I lost my Dad when he was only 53. He had a sudden Heart Attack. I lost my best friend and my Dad. My Mother had a hard time as my brothers and I also.
What helped us so much is keeping him alive in our hearts. We started talking about him and listening to stories others would tell us. It helped so much.
One of my best friends lost her husband a couple of years ago. A lady we worked with and didn't really know her except in passing; she went to her house one weekend and told her "Get dressed". She asked why. The lady told her that they were going to clean out all of her husbands personal things. My friend was horrified and told her no. She said she wasn't going to take no for and answer. Over the weekend they cleared out everything. As bad as it looked; my friend was able to start living somewhat again. She had took leave from work for several months. She wouldn't go anywhere or hardly shower and get dressed. After the "Clearing out" she was able to live again. She said it was hard to explain because at first she was mad at this lady. Now they are best friends.
Everyone handles grief in a different way. It took me awhile to be able to function again after my Dad.
Talk about your husband. Talk to people who knew him and listen to stories they have. And remember; he'll always be in your heart. I hope this helps.
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Old 07-27-2010, 04:20 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,182,546 times
Reputation: 3514
redjan 1225....Thanks for writing. You have sure helped me too. I'm sorry you lost your child and sorry that your sister moved away....Even though it was painful I think you were right to stop and let yourself "feel all." Don't you? Have so much to say but not much time right now. Going out to eat with my son but more later....Thanks for sharing so much. It helps....
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Old 07-27-2010, 07:16 PM
 
Location: Mostly in my head
19,645 posts, read 53,581,730 times
Reputation: 18599
Most hospitals have grief support groups. You will be with other people who know exactly how you feel. Try it even if it doesn't appeal.
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Old 07-27-2010, 09:43 PM
 
Location: Maryland
422 posts, read 886,391 times
Reputation: 767
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
My husband died recently and it's sure hard to move out of my paralysis...I've read about grief many times through the years when other loved ones died....But none of it prepared me for losing my very best friend and lifelong companion...Losing a spouse really "hits home." In reality "home" will never be the same again....How have you handled grief? Sometimes people "mean well" but what they say doesn't work for me....Have you ever felt like this? Thanks for listening. Talking and writing seems to help at times...But at other times I just don't want to bother with much.
There is a wonderful site that deals with grief of all kinds. www.beyondindigo.com Talking about it online with a community of people that have been through what you are going through helps a lot. And of course listening to other people's grief is comforting in an odd sort of way.

Also there are many good books that deal with subject of grief. My favorites are by George Anderson, www.georgeanderson.com

Best wishes to you.
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Old 07-27-2010, 09:59 PM
 
9,466 posts, read 15,050,065 times
Reputation: 15450
I'm so sorry for your loss. It makes us realize how precious life is.

When my father died, someone gave me a book that helped its called "Don't Take My Grief Away". I lost my copy, or I'd send it to you. It talks about how grief is a process, it can be "normal" to take from 6 months to 2 years to have grief pass to the point its bearable, but don't let anyone tell you when and how you're supposed to deal with it. Its your grief, only you can deal with it.

Take care
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Old 07-27-2010, 10:02 PM
 
Location: Cartersville, GA
1,253 posts, read 2,863,130 times
Reputation: 1080
Quote:
Originally Posted by SouthernBelleInUtah View Post
Most hospitals have grief support groups. You will be with other people who know exactly how you feel. Try it even if it doesn't appeal.
There are also licensed counselors who specialize in grief counseling.
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Old 07-27-2010, 10:38 PM
 
Location: playing in the colorful Colorado dirt
4,486 posts, read 4,336,967 times
Reputation: 6937
So sorry for your loss. Things do get better, it just takes time. How much time is up to you. Don't be shocked if your grief sneaks up on you when least expected. Last year I lost my father-in-law,sister-in-law and my best friend of 30 years.At one time we were engaged but fate stepped in. The first death I handled well, the second not as well. Pat's death was different. We lived in different states, had married others, but kept our friendship going over many years. I was heartbroken but I managed to maintain until one night on my way home from shopping. We live out in the country so the drive is long and quiet. Out of the blue the tears came. I pulled over and cried for at least 30 minutes. That's when I realized I was mad at him for dying. And it's ok to feel that way for a while. Sounds crazy but the next day I took out an old photo of him and had a long 'talk' with it. Really unloaded a lot. It helped so much. My husband walked in after I was through and asked if I felt better and for the first time in months I did. I still get a little teary-eyed at some things that bring back memories but I have been able to let go of the grief. It's different for everyone,you'll find your own path, but like it or not,you have to walk down it. Don't give up. As long as we keep our loved ones alive in our hearts they never really leave. Forgive the bad,cherish the good,and remember to laugh often. Be well.
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