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Old 04-30-2011, 01:01 PM
Location: San Marcos, TX
2,572 posts, read 6,265,030 times
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Originally Posted by Humanandneedtobeloved View Post
For me, it was more I felt she lived a long life. Plus, she had been developing Alzheimer's, so it was like she had died before she was actually dead. I guess I just lost her so gradually it wasn't really that painful.
That is probably a big part of it. I think it is for me, with my Grandmother. I remember thinking about when she would die... before she actually died... and I would always feel this intense panic. Like I would be sure to fall apart when it actually happened.

Then, it did happen, and there was no flood of emotion like I'd expected. She died March 24th, the day after my oldest son's birthday.. and at this point my spouse has cried more than I have... but I think that's because I grieved long ago for the REAL her. She had Alzheimer's and she hadn't been the Grandma I knew and loved in a very very long time. Whereas my spouse has only known this "version" of her.

She was 92 years old. But she had been this docile shell of her former self for almost 10 years. She was NOT the fiesty, independent, smart, confident woman I'd always known by the time she passed. So the big flood of grief never really came. I cried some at the memorial service but since then, nothing.

Last edited by Sally_Sparrow; 04-30-2011 at 01:25 PM..
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Old 05-18-2011, 02:41 PM
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I also do not seem to grieve the way others do. That said, no one's death, close to me, has been much of a surprise. Except when my first grandpa died. I cried more for him than anyone else - but I didn't see it coming. When my other grandfather passed, I had more than a year's notice he was dying. With my grandmother, I was expecting to get that call for years - and when the phone rang, I knew why. Same thing with my stepmom - when she was diagnosed with cancer, I looked up her specific diagnosis. Although she and my were in denial - and were sure she'd "beat it", I knew deep down it was coming.

I did all my 'coming to terms' over a long period of time with each of them, so it didn't hit me hard when they did pass. Plus, I believe in God, so did they. So, there isn't really anything (other than missing them here) to mourn.
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Old 05-18-2011, 04:23 PM
Location: St. Louis
9,457 posts, read 16,416,956 times
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Originally Posted by the old man View Post
yep sure ok whatever=- how do my shoes feel to you
Hun, I think Matt was trying to help. It sounds like you're having a really hard time--do you have anyone you can talk to for comfort? I also believe that your loved one would want you to go on but that's not a judgment against you. We're just concerned is all.

My g-ma passed away in January at 94 and her memory was sharp until the end. We were quite close but I didn't really grieve in the classic sense b/c I know she was really glad to go--she was aware enough in the hospital that she threatened the life of any doc who tried to save hers. On the day she died, she had cooked our dinner and made homemade fried chicken and a banana cake and thus fulfilled my prediction that she'd be "doing" until her dying breath and that's the way she would have wanted it. I loved her dearly though she could be a bit of a spicy lady and I admired her for aging so gracefully and cheerfully.

The beginning of the end started when we were sitting together and I was wondering when she was going to tell me about the lump in her breast--both of us were shy about bringing it up and all of a sudden she spoke up and said, "Ya wanna feel my lump?" Wow, that was weird and natural at the same time and she didn't go to a doc for it and I didn't pressure her b/c I think they might have killed her quicker.

If anything ever happened to my kids I don't think I could ever get over it but that would be a whole different thing.
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Old 05-18-2011, 04:34 PM
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Honestly, I think that many people start to detach emotionally from elderly parents, and grandparents, which is why so many of them linger alone in nursing homes. We don't want to have pain or grief, so we start the process before they die. Then, when it does occur, those who have become detached have less grief. Those who were more involved, have more grief.
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