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Anyway, I then heard that the woman had died. The next time I saw her husband was in the grocery store. I greeted him and told him I was sorry to hear about his wife. He thanked me. And then, without thinking, the next thing I said was "How is (dog's name) holding up?" He didn't seem to think it was odd that I asked how the dog was instead of how he was, he answered that she was moping and missing her a lot. But after we parted I felt kind of...bad that I had asked about the dog rather than about him or any of the human family.
That's OK. Your moniker makes it clear where your priorities are.
Once I watched the All Souls Procession here in town (the Mexican day of the dead). There were many people in their 50's, 60's and above who have surely lost at least one parent walking and holding pictures of their dogs. It was just a "wonderful" snapshot of the society I have the "pleasure" to live in.
I have heard people say, out loud, "He/she is better off dead"...
What if you went to a funeral and heard a widow say, "He's suffered for so long, such terrible, terrible pain...such humiliation over not being able to perform even the most basic duties for himself. He's with the Lord now though...he can walk, he can talk, he is finally pain free and full of joy"? Would you tell her, "You don't really believe that, do you? You do realize don't you that he's just GONE, don't you?....that this GOD business is simply a LIE? Well....it is!"
I think those sayings like, "They're no longer sufferring" are only appropriate in situations where the deceased was elderly or had some kind of long term illness though...
I mean, in my case, my friend was only 27 when she died, it was very unexpected and accidental, so she really wasn't "sufferring" through life any more or less than your average young person is.
When death catches you off guard it's... different.
I don't think anyone would have said the latter though, telling the bereaved your personal opinions on God or Heaven...some things are better left unsaid.
"The only real wisdom is knowing that you know nothing." -Socrates
I'm not sure where in my OP there is great anger expressed. I said I was annoyed. I said I loved her for it. I said I don't share her bright-eyed, youthful view, but am just p*ssed about the whole thing (his death).
How am I projecting my views? I'm stating my views, not projecting them onto anyone. If I were projecting them the OP would look very different. Any way, the more I consider the saying, the more hallow it appears. Do people really believe their loved-ones are in a better place? If so, why do they grieve so hard? If folk really believed in a big daddy in the sky dishing out joyous rewards upon death, I don't see where grief would fit. It would be a party. To me, based on my experiences, it looks like many walk this fine line of trying to convince themselves of this or that fantasy and a nagging reality of cluelessness, but they say what they must to themselves to keep it a bit more one-sided. I’m sure that might sound insulting to some, but most of the time I find plenty of doubt from religious folk. They don’t really know. Deep down they know it, but they hope. That’s all fine and well, but for those of us who don’t spend time in that space, it’s just a thoughtless saying. Death is not a better place, at least not for my brother.
Im still not understanding what the person did that upset you?
Yes some believe death is better off for the person you lost..You may not agree..but its what they believe.
It seems you are upset because some believe in a higher power than you seem to believe.
I dont know whats best for your brother..But I do know losing a brother is very painful..and it hurts..I know I also lost a brother..and I am very sorry for your loss..no words will make you feel better.
I think those sayings like, "They're no longer sufferring" are only appropriate in situations where the deceased was elderly or had some kind of long term illness though... Yes, absolutely true! It's so hard to wrap your mind around, and come to terms with the death of someone who dies and yet had so much of life ahead.
I mean, in my case, my friend was only 27 when she died, it was very unexpected and accidental, so she really wasn't "sufferring" through life any more or less than your average young person is. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend...horrible and tragic...so very sad.
When death catches you off guard it's... different. A dear friend of mine lost her 14 yo son, to a freak accident on an ATV. Our boys were born on the same day. Although it's been over a year, my heart aches so bad for her. He was such a precious, sweet, good boy and she is such an amazing, loving mother. Her pain, at times is unbearable and she states that most days, it's still like it's a dream, that it happened to someone else, not her...but the horrible reality is, he's gone...so it HAD to have happened to her.
I don't think anyone would have said the latter though, telling the bereaved your personal opinions on God or Heaven...some things are better left unsaid.
"The only real wisdom is knowing that you know nothing." -Socrates
This final statement is so very true. We don't know what lies on the other side, for sure. None of us do. Even very religious people. We HOPE/FAITH that there is something there. That is the difference. It all boils down to one thing...no one KNOWS for sure that there isn't something there and no one knows for sure that there is. Even though some people don't appreciate hearing that the deceased is in a "better place", some people do.
When you offer your condolences to someone who's lost a loved one, I guess it's a crap shoot. As long as it comes from the heart, meant to console, you shouldn't have to over analyze what it is you're going to say. THAT is one of the reasons why people avoid those who've lost loved ones. Everything is so damned PC these days, that the survivors are left huddled in a corner, alone, avoided...because heaven forbid you say the WRONG thing to them..."I just don't know what to SAY! What if I say the wrong THING!!??"
I'm not sure where in my OP there is great anger expressed. I said I was annoyed. I said I loved her for it. I said I don't share her bright-eyed, youthful view, but am just p*ssed about the whole thing (his death).
How am I projecting my views? I'm stating my views, not projecting them onto anyone. If I were projecting them the OP would look very different. Any way, the more I consider the saying, the more hallow it appears. Do people really believe their loved-ones are in a better place? If so, why do they grieve so hard? If folk really believed in a big daddy in the sky dishing out joyous rewards upon death, I don't see where grief would fit. It would be a party. To me, based on my experiences, it looks like many walk this fine line of trying to convince themselves of this or that fantasy and a nagging reality of cluelessness, but they say what they must to themselves to keep it a bit more one-sided. I’m sure that might sound insulting to some, but most of the time I find plenty of doubt from religious folk. They don’t really know. Deep down they know it, but they hope. That’s all fine and well, but for those of us who don’t spend time in that space, it’s just a thoughtless saying. Death is not a better place, at least not for my brother.
Dear Braunwyn, believing/hoping that your loved one went to a better place can still never take away the fact that you don't get to spend one more day with them here. They're still gone. That emptiness is still there. The hopes and dreams you had for them....the life you imagined they'd live, the things you thought you'd do with them...GONE...POOF! just like that. It's over! All of your memories of them are still with you. The expectation that they'll walk through the door, hearing someone say something that sounds like them, seeing someone who looks like them...all of those things are still there! The reminders...everything, still there. The loss is still felt.
We want to believe they're in a better place and we want to believe that we'll see them again some day...but the obvious truth is, it's hope and faith. Without hope, is life worth living? When we're having the worst day of our lives, can't imagine how we're going to go on, isn't it hope that gets us through it? ....Hope that tomorrow, or next week, or next month is going to be better/different....can stop you from stepping out in front of a car, taking a bottle of pills, drinking ourselves into oblivion. Isn't hopefulness better than hopelessness?
Braunwyn
I'm very very sorry for your loss, and for your entire family...I feel so badly for you all, and wish there were something we could say or do, to take away your pain, to comfort you, but there is not...it leaves a huge hole in your lives, and is extremely difficult to deal with. I understand your feelings and your beliefs and respect them in every way...maybe somehow, this thread will help, to come back and re-read when you feel lost and afraid. No child should pass before they're parents, it's just not fair...right now no one can understand your feelings, and not everyone would agree with the way your dealing with it, however, like Beachmel said, everyone of us, deals with death differently, therefore, I say to you, continue feeling the way you do, and in time, perhaps, when someone speaks to you about it, you'll have more patience for they're beliefs and words and maybe not...but at the end of the day, dear heart, I believe, it's more comforting to be kind, understanding and patient to others, even though your beliefs may be different...and what people say might annoy you. What do you think? How would you handle it? Perhaps, if someone else lost they're sibbling, and you made a comment to them, in concern, love and hurt for the person in moarning, they might not agree with you...? I dunno, what I do know is, when my foster mother was dying, people said to me, "but she's 90?" Yes, she was, but she was still my mother, who was my best friend since I was 5 years old, and I used to really get frustrated with that, really angry. They were in they're own way trying so hard to make me feel better, but, it worked the opposite...and made me hurt more, like they were dismissing her humanity? So, I do understand how you feel...and can only send hugs and tell you I do care. I'm very very sorry for your loss.
Im still not understanding what the person did that upset you?
Yes some believe death is better off for the person you lost..You may not agree..but its what they believe.
It seems you are upset because some believe in a higher power than you seem to believe.
I dont know whats best for your brother..But I do know losing a brother is very painful..and it hurts..I know I also lost a brother..and I am very sorry for your loss..no words will make you feel better.
Basically, I think the message "he's/you're in a better place" is one of stupidity. That's about it. There's not a whole lot to understand. My reasoning as to why I think it's stupid isn't all that complicated either.
Dear Braunwyn, believing/hoping that your loved one went to a better place can still never take away the fact that you don't get to spend one more day with them here. They're still gone. That emptiness is still there. The hopes and dreams you had for them....the life you imagined they'd live, the things you thought you'd do with them...GONE...POOF! just like that. It's over! All of your memories of them are still with you. The expectation that they'll walk through the door, hearing someone say something that sounds like them, seeing someone who looks like them...all of those things are still there! The reminders...everything, still there. The loss is still felt.
We want to believe they're in a better place and we want to believe that we'll see them again some day...but the obvious truth is, it's hope and faith. Without hope, is life worth living? When we're having the worst day of our lives, can't imagine how we're going to go on, isn't it hope that gets us through it? ....Hope that tomorrow, or next week, or next month is going to be better/different....can stop you from stepping out in front of a car, taking a bottle of pills, drinking ourselves into oblivion. Isn't hopefulness better than hopelessness?
That's what it is about, wanting to believe. It's essentially a mind game, which again, is fine by me, but I don't really like folk involving my brother in it, in any form, for any reason. I won't do anything about it, but I won't like it. As far without hope goes, or without hope of an afterlife is life worth living? Heck yea, even more so if this is all we have. Life is precious. My brother's life was precious and saying that he's better off dead, and you were absolutely correct with that clarification, is asinine.
One thing this thread is showing me is that these sayings are far less benign than I originally thought.
^Somebody sounds a lil bitter. Can I give you an internet hug?
It doesn't feel like bitterness. It feels like impatience, with a bit of snobbishness towards stupidity. Is snobbery a result of bitterness? Maybe, but it's a stretch.
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