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The first year is referred to the "year of firsts"..... first birthday, first time you go to the supermarket and reflexivly want to buy their favorite foods.. the first time you want to call them with news and can't.....
It's heart-numbingly horrible. I would rather die myself than EVER go through that again.
It is... I used to call our home number at first when I was calling other people back home. I still haven't been back since my parent's place was sold. It'll be one strange experience some day... I did clean it up and prepared it for sale, I know it was sold, I know I got the money, but I still think of it as "our" place...
I lost a brother many years ago. It was especially hard on my mother, but I have never talked to her about it nor have I acknowledged any anniversary (his birthday or death). I simply am not capable of doing so.
Your way of doing things is not the only way, and not necessarily the right way.
She lives in an apartment alone upstairs in the same building where my dad lived with her before going down to the lockdown ward. It's a place where they provide all levels of care, so she was able to go visit him a lot in the lockdown ward. So they have lockdown (memory care), then they have assisted living (next step up), then apartments (more independence - where she is).
Not to get OT (but I will slightly), but I at times hate American culture and what we do to our old family members. We put them in these places to not deal with them. Ok, 'nuff said. Off soap box.
Sorry for your loss. Yes, it is tough. The memory and pain does fade, but it never really goes away.
I am American but I have kept some Asian culture. Would it be better if she moves in with you for a while?
My mother will never spend her time alone. Its kinda like jail.
I am American but I have kept some Asian culture. Would it be better if she moves in with you for a while?
My mother will never spend her time alone. Its kinda like jail.
I'm in a state far away by myself so that would effectively remove her from everyone else, so that could never happen. And no one offered up there. While I could deal with my one brother and his wife just fine up there, I could not with the weather or I'd move up there and buy a little house and she could live with me.
My one brother did end up calling, so that was nice.
I guess I don't understand the mentality of those in this thread who would not make it a point to call but everyone is different. Not calling doesn't make it not so. People need extra supports in that "year of firsts." At least "this people" would if I were in her shoes. Fortunately, she says she doesn't and maybe she really doesn't and if that's the truth then I am happy about that. It would not work for me. And while everyone has their own way of grieving, I think since he was her husband, it was time for everyone to step out of their comfort zone and think of someone else first (as in her) and pick up the phone. In other cultures this would have been done.
I'm not surprised my sister didn't call at all. She's the type who gets $10K for Christmas from my mother and then is "too busy" to stop by for half an hour over the holidays (lives half an hour away). My other brother, can't explain that, but I cut him some slack as he's got a serious issue going on in his own family.
Well, I do appreciate the support in this thread. Yes, yesterday was not the most fun day and it did mark a sad first for me, but it's over now and I can put that first behind me.
You sound like the one child that probably contributed the most to keeping the family close. Now, I would simply pick up the phone and call my ungrateful and insensitive siblings and ask them why they haven't had the sense to call Mom. That's what I would do. Really no excuse. Had a brother-in-law and his wife that lived 3 blocks from his mothers home and she had to pay a neighbor kid to mow her lawn. I would have taken on the task but she lived in Ohio and I'm in Hawaii.
Koale
My dad died about 8 years ago in mid-October, but I don't remember the date. My mom died about 4 years ago, but I don't remember the date. Anniversaries of deaths are just not something that I think about, other than that of my late wife. I remember their birthdays. Those are happy days to remember. Maybe your sibs are like me. It doesn't mean I didn't love them nor that don't miss them.
I feel the same way. I know my parents birthdays and I can tell you the months and years of their deaths but not the date. Why would somebody remember that, let alone acknowledge it? Seems kind of morbid and depressing.
Perhaps your mother doesn't even realize the date herself. I would think holidays or other special occasions would be when she might more readily miss your father and appreciate a phone call or visit from a family member.
Ok, so dad died a year ago today. I live out of state and have made it a point to call my mother several times today to chit cat about her church service, her entertainment this afternoon at her assisted living place (you know, just to see how she is doing since today is the one year day). She seems to be holding up well.
I have three siblings who all live there. Not a one has called or stopped to visit her. Something is wrong with this picture or I am warped in how I think things should go in these situations. I'm glad she is as she is and not as I am or I'd be devastated if I were her getting no calls or visits. That's just me. Am I right or wrong or is there no right or wrong or what are your thoughts? Seems a bit cold to me to just forget about him completely like this and not even acknowledge things and not contact her. Everyone is too busy with their families this weekend I guess.
I lost my mother on 3/1/10 and was absolutely devastated from it. We were very close and the one year anniversary was something that hit me hard. It took a good 6 to 8 months to pick myself up from the loss and to have everyone call me on the anniversary was extremely difficult. Almost to the point where I wished they hadn't and actually stopped taking calls.
I guess my point is everyone grieves in their own way and the loss os family is harder on some than others.
Ok, so dad died a year ago today. I live out of state and have made it a point to call my mother several times today to chit cat about her church service, her entertainment this afternoon at her assisted living place (you know, just to see how she is doing since today is the one year day). She seems to be holding up well.
I have three siblings who all live there. Not a one has called or stopped to visit her. Something is wrong with this picture or I am warped in how I think things should go in these situations. I'm glad she is as she is and not as I am or I'd be devastated if I were her getting no calls or visits. That's just me. Am I right or wrong or is there no right or wrong or what are your thoughts? Seems a bit cold to me to just forget about him completely like this and not even acknowledge things and not contact her. Everyone is too busy with their families this weekend I guess.
Do the siblings spend time with your mother the rest of the year?
Do they talk to her about your Dad other times?
That's the important thing..
Some people, like me, do NOT make ourselves miserable on certain days simply because it's a certain day....
You did what you could do. You made your choice and your sibs will make theirs too.
You have control over you, not them. You don't have the ability to make them kinder people. So don't feel bad about what you can't fix. Just do what you can.
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hmmm...
