Children's grieving the death of a loved one

[purehuman]

Originally Posted by elamigo

What is that young one ask how he or she died? What would you reply? Take care.

Depending on the age I would probably tell the truth....the very young would probably not ask details...I don't think I would ever try to explain a suicide though....easier to say the heart packed it in...I think the children that ask how someone died deserve to be told the truth....keeping death from them is what (I feel) makes them so afraid of it...it's never easy to lose a loved one....but it is a fact of life...it happens every day to someone......and I don't feel that it's right to keep this fact from children...they need to know, and they need to be able to talk about it and to grieve....just like an adult.....I think it's better to tell them than have them hear the adults talking about it...and then left wondering why they aren't included in those talks....

[elamigo]

Originally Posted by purehuman

Depending on the age I would probably tell the truth....the very young would probably not ask details...I don't think I would ever try to explain a suicide though....easier to say the heart packed it in...I think the children that ask how someone died deserve to be told the truth....keeping death from them is what (I feel) makes them so afraid of it...it's never easy to lose a loved one....but it is a fact of life...it happens every day to someone......and I don't feel that it's right to keep this fact from children...they need to know, and they need to be able to talk about it and to grieve....just like an adult.....I think it's better to tell them than have them hear the adults talking about it...and then left wondering why they aren't included in those talks....

Thanks for sharing your views also. I welcome any opinions because the more I hear the better I will be in helping children and parents when they attend their sessions. I am not saying I follow all suggestions but to say the least they give me more perspectives from other people and help on how to approach them and help them. Take care.

[DewDropInn]

Originally Posted by elamigo

Also, the program guidelines are that instead of telling them a loved one is with God now is better to say the loved one died, plain and simple. If the child ask how the loved one died to say because he/she took his life if that was the case.

Do the parents know you will be doing this when they enroll their children in the program?

[elamigo]

Originally Posted by DewDropInn

Do the parents know you will be doing this when they enroll their children in the program?

Yes they do. Actually, the program involve parents. They have to bring them themselves. They can also participate in group session, separate from the children. They have group sessions for kids, teens, and parents. One of the requirements is that a parent has to agree that the child has to know a loved one died and pretty much how also. Take care.

[DewDropInn]

Originally Posted by elamigo

Yes they do. Actually, the program involve parents. They have to bring them themselves. They can also participate in group session, separate from the children. They have group sessions for kids, teens, and parents. One of the requirements is that a parent has to agree that the child has to know a loved one died and pretty much how also. Take care.

Wondering if the parents got support was my next question. Thanks for the explanation.

[Bluesmama]

Originally Posted by elamigo

What do you think?
What are your opinions on how to handle a situation like this?

My daughter's father died (suicide) when she was a few days away from turning 6. We were divorced. They had a bad visit right before it happened (he was an emotional wreck, and her misbehavior during their weekend visit did not help). So it was a very weird parting of the two at my house with her in tears.

I did tell her he died, although I didn't say "how" for some time. But what I did do was keep her from seeing him at the mortuary. He had no funeral (he was buried out of state) but I went in to go see his body briefly. I told her that I had to go inside to do some business, so she stayed in the car with my fiance'.

I can't remember when I finally told her why I was there, but she didn't take it well, and for the rest of her life (she, too, has passed away) she resented my decision to not let her see him.

I had good intentions, thought I was protecting her. But I think she needed the closure.

[Mightyqueen801]

Originally Posted by Ringo1

I don't know what he will remember of it. But I get tears in my eyes today just thinking about how tight his little arms went around my neck while people tried to pry him off, his face buried in my neck. At a much too young age ~ he was trying to help his mama. I will never forget it. I worry that it put too much burden on him - to take care of me - that day.

One day soon I will ask him if he remembers and let you know what he says.

Yes, I will always cherish that moment though it seems strange to say it.

I don't think it's strange. Your story reminded me of a friend of mine. Her mother died of a stroke (at the age of 27!) when my friend was nine years old.

Fast forward to her thirties. She went to visit her mom's grave and took her then-six-year-old daughter along. She told us she was sitting by the grave, crying, and her daughter asked her why she was crying, and she said, "Because my mother is gone, and I miss her." She said her little girl came over and hugged her and said, "Don't feel bad, Mommy, you still have me and Daddy to love you."

I don't know what touched me more, the little girl's compassion for her mom, or the thought of my friend sitting at her mother's grave crying 25 years after she'd died when my friend was still a child herself.

[elamigo]

Originally Posted by Bluesmama

My daughter's father died (suicide) when she was a few days away from turning 6. We were divorced. They had a bad visit right before it happened (he was an emotional wreck, and her misbehavior during their weekend visit did not help). So it was a very weird parting of the two at my house with her in tears.

I did tell her he died, although I didn't say "how" for some time. But what I did do was keep her from seeing him at the mortuary. He had no funeral (he was buried out of state) but I went in to go see his body briefly. I told her that I had to go inside to do some business, so she stayed in the car with my fiance'.

I can't remember when I finally told her why I was there, but she didn't take it well, and for the rest of her life (she, too, has passed away) she resented my decision to not let her see him.

I had good intentions, thought I was protecting her. But I think she needed the closure.

Thanks for sharing your story. In the last comment it seems to support what I learned during the training I got to help the Children's Grief Center where I will volunteer. They told us that very often the parents are the problem more than the children. The children very often take it better than the parent and the parents makes well intentioned decisions based on how they feel thinking the children will hurt as they do and won't handle it. I was told often they work on the parents in order to be able to best serve the children. Take care.

[High_Plains_Retired]

I can provide my childhood experiences with death and funerals; and I've had a lot of them. My parents taught us that death was as much a part of life as life itself so it all seemed fairly natural to me. All my great uncles were pretty much gone by the time I came along but I first recall going as a very young fellow to the funerals of several great aunts. As a Southern Baptist, these were always very sad and included a full funeral service, a solemn drive to the cemetery and then a graveside service.

Then it was the death of my grandparents and an uncle born in the 1800s where I had to be his pallbearer at age 14. However, what all of these funerals had in common were that they were all the deaths of older people and, although they all were very sad to me, they all seemed to be in line with my parent's teachings about life. Then came the death of a very close high school friend and the death of a young niece in separate car crashes. These hurt badly and still do. Then it was my dad, my beloved mom-in-law and father-in-law and finally my mom. Each of these ripped out large chunks of my heart but caused me to again reflect on my parents' teachings.

I do family history and genealogy now and I find that I am very much at home in a cemetery. My heart is now just a wounded piece of dried leather but I think my parents taught me well when they told me to believe that there is something greater than me and that death is simply the last pain we have to suffer.

[malamute]

One of the girls in my son's sixth grade died of leukemia. She was always a very special child, she would have a birthday party every year and would invite the entire class because she cared about everyone, would never exclude anyone. She was lively and fun, the kind of girl that united the kids.

She would discuss her illness and as the time came closer she would discuss dying -- she told the class that she didn't want to leave her family and friends but when the time came and it was time to go with The Lord, she was ready and unafraid.

Her mother said they had not been a very religious family and it was her daughter that helped her parents and siblings through the pain of watching her suffer and leave. The dying daughter faced her difficult times with a brave heart but also talked to her parents about heaven, dying unafraid, and the life after, she brought them to faith they said.

She did the same for her classmates. She died at age 11.

She also wrote about life and facing death before she died, I hope the family publishes some of her writings some day. Maybe it's best to learn about death from those who are going through the process, even young kids.