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Old 04-02-2012, 06:17 AM
 
Location: Heart of Dixie
1,298 posts, read 1,850,231 times
Reputation: 1583

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A man I dated for 6 months(last guy I dated before I met fiance) passed away yesterday. His mother called me. I was and am sorry to hear about his passing. He called me himself in December, when he was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. ANd I know 6 months isn't a long time, but, I have remained friends, close friends with his neice, and other relatives.

Some background...
He and I were more friends than anything, there was never sex nor much intimacy, as he had problems, and pretended to be religious instead of telling me the truth, which is why I broke it off, the lying. I never loved him, I was fond of him. Anyway, back in December, he called and ask forgiveness, so he could die in peace...of course I had forgave him many moons ago, we talked for a short bit, and there was never anymore contact with him, his neice and his mom would text ever so often with updates.

Fast forward to yesterday....I get the call, voice my condolences, I didn't cry, and may not cry...I do not think I will attend the funeral, however, I may send flowers.

I somehow feel like I shouldn't even do that...reckon why I feel this way? Fiance knows all about this, and said how sorry he was to hear of that, etc..and would be supportive of whatever I decided to do.

I think maybe Im in shock to an extent? I think I hurt for his daughter, his parents and family...

What do you think I should do? or better yet, ladies what is the protocol??

Thanks in advance...trying to sort thru this feelings...
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Old 04-02-2012, 06:32 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,876 posts, read 7,236,264 times
Reputation: 7434
If sending flowers, or a donation to his favourite charity makes you feel better, then you should do it, without question.
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Old 04-02-2012, 06:34 AM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,816,014 times
Reputation: 61840
Quote:
Originally Posted by round4 View Post
A man I dated for 6 months(last guy I dated before I met fiance) passed away yesterday. His mother called me. I was and am sorry to hear about his passing. He called me himself in December, when he was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. ANd I know 6 months isn't a long time, but, I have remained friends, close friends with his neice, and other relatives.

Some background...
He and I were more friends than anything, there was never sex nor much intimacy, as he had problems, and pretended to be religious instead of telling me the truth, which is why I broke it off, the lying. I never loved him, I was fond of him. Anyway, back in December, he called and ask forgiveness, so he could die in peace...of course I had forgave him many moons ago, we talked for a short bit, and there was never anymore contact with him, his neice and his mom would text ever so often with updates.

Fast forward to yesterday....I get the call, voice my condolences, I didn't cry, and may not cry...I do not think I will attend the funeral, however, I may send flowers.

I somehow feel like I shouldn't even do that...reckon why I feel this way? Fiance knows all about this, and said how sorry he was to hear of that, etc..and would be supportive of whatever I decided to do.

I think maybe Im in shock to an extent? I think I hurt for his daughter, his parents and family...

What do you think I should do? or better yet, ladies what is the protocol??

Thanks in advance...trying to sort thru this feelings...
Do what you feel most comfortable with and to hell with "protocol" according to what society deems appropriate.
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Old 04-02-2012, 06:45 AM
 
Location: USA
1,809 posts, read 2,141,074 times
Reputation: 4045
If you hurt for his daughter, parents and family, then send them a condolence card and express your sympathy. The family will appreciate it.
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Old 04-02-2012, 07:30 AM
 
Location: Simmering in DFW
6,947 posts, read 18,689,984 times
Reputation: 7187
If you could attend the funeral/memorial service it would be really nice. I have had many deaths in my family and I have had to plan the final gathering some of the times. Even though there were about 200 people at my late husband's funeral, if or when I see or hear of someone who attended, I have warm feelings for the person who attended. It was a comfort to me to see how many people came to the service to "pay their last respects." It made me feel, on that sad day, that he was a person who people cared about. And, when someone you love leaves this world it somehow validates that person and the love you have for him just a bit more when others take the time out of their busy lives to attend.....
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Old 04-02-2012, 07:37 AM
 
Location: Whereever we have our RV parked
8,036 posts, read 7,059,971 times
Reputation: 13471
Send a sympathy card and have it over with. Flowers, IMHO, is a bit too much.
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Old 04-02-2012, 07:41 AM
 
Location: Chicago
5,412 posts, read 8,281,590 times
Reputation: 6347
Quote:
Originally Posted by round4 View Post
A man I dated for 6 months(last guy I dated before I met fiance) passed away yesterday. His mother called me. I was and am sorry to hear about his passing. He called me himself in December, when he was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. ANd I know 6 months isn't a long time, but, I have remained friends, close friends with his neice, and other relatives.
...
I have been in a somewhat similar situation. A man I seriously dated passed away several years ago. We had exclusively dated for 5+ years (and lived together) and he had proposed to me. He died in his early 30's from a heart attack. I had gotten married and hadn't seen him for several years. I received the information about his death from mutual close friends.

Like you, I didn't cry and was somewhat numb (shock?). I still can't explain my feelings about it. We had a very volatile relationship as he was a very stressed-out, angry person which I believe contributed to his heart attack. I used to warn him that he couldn't be healthy with that much stress/anger in his life. I was hoping he would find happiness. He was also very intelligent, financially successful, and career-driven.

I am sad that he died so young - before he had a chance to work out his issues and learn how to enjoy life. He also attempted to make amends with me after our relationship ended. I may even feel guilty that I left that volatile relationship and now have a very happy life. Maybe I could have helped him more emotionally (maybe continued to be a friend to him instead of cutting off contact). As I said, I'm not sure I fully understand my feelings about all of it.

He had recently gotten married so I felt uncomfortable showing up at the funeral events. But I had gotten very close to his parents and siblings. They had really been very supportive to me in my early 20's when I was just getting started with my career. I ended up sending flowers/donation with a very personal note to his parents. I think that was the right way for me to handle it.

Last edited by GoCUBS1; 04-02-2012 at 07:51 AM..
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Old 04-02-2012, 08:15 AM
 
Location: Heart of Dixie
1,298 posts, read 1,850,231 times
Reputation: 1583
Thank you all for your heart felt replies...
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Old 04-02-2012, 05:30 PM
 
Location: On the Ohio River in Western, KY
3,388 posts, read 5,543,449 times
Reputation: 3332
I would go if you feel up to it, and if you don't; then a nicve well written note to his daughter and to his mom(parents) would be nice.
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Old 04-02-2012, 05:35 PM
 
13,751 posts, read 16,274,030 times
Reputation: 10497
I think you should go to the funeral.
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