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Old 06-01-2012, 01:27 PM
 
Location: Table Rock Lake
971 posts, read 1,133,578 times
Reputation: 939

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Quote:
Originally Posted by lifelongMOgal View Post
So go to the cemetary and tell her. Get it out of your system. Make your apologies. You are guilty of nothing most other children do to their parents. There is no doubt your mother loved you just as you are and would rather you remember the happy times you had together rather than regretting that which is now out of your control. Now that you recognize how precious time with one's parents truly is you won't make those same mistakes moving forward with your father.
The bad memories will fade with time and only the good times will remain in your memory. We have all done the same with our parents and regretably with our children as well. IMHO
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Old 06-02-2012, 04:59 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,433 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814
Quote:
Originally Posted by redvelvet709 View Post
Oh honey, this is breaking my heart. Your mom knows and understands now. I am sure she did then as well.
I do that sometimes, too, but it's not productive.

Find some quiet time to talk to her now.

And just fyi- don't even threaten the selling of your soul thing. Joke or not, it's not really a good idea.
pentatonic, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother. I was there 20 years ago today. I never thought the raw pain would go away. My Mom and I had a tenuous relationship but she loved me and I knew it. Yet when she died, the guilt of all the "bad" things I did as a youngster would eat at my brain. Some how I muddled through the first year and then, like "magic" I woke up one morning and the raw pain was gone. The thought that she was out of the constant pain she was in helped me realize that I missed her but she was pain free now. 20 years later, I can speak of her without disintergrating into tears. Her death prepared me in a way for my Dad's death 7 years ago and my hubby's death 5 1/2 months ago. Believe us, the raw aching WILL get better as time progresses.

Quote:
Originally Posted by himain View Post
I'm sorry to hear about your loss but I can guarantee you that your mom wasn't dwelling on those "bad" times before her passing.

If you live your life as the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" mentality, you'll never be happy
Absolutley correct.

Quote:
Originally Posted by quenelle View Post
Your mother knows how you feel and I am sure she holds no grudges so please don't think this way. I'm a Mum too and have been given a death sentance of just a few months. My husband and grown up kids are going through hell at the moment. I want desperately to take their hurt away, it is killing me knowing what they are going through and I can't make it better I would suffer anything if I could just make it easier for them, every mother feels this way. Your Mum loved you and still does. Please always remember that.
God Bless you, quenelle.
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Old 06-02-2012, 05:52 PM
 
Location: galaxy far far away
3,111 posts, read 4,397,042 times
Reputation: 7185
Quote:
Originally Posted by pentatonic View Post
My mother passed on February 2nd and I have been living in a personal hell ever since.

My mother was a great mom. My parents were older when they had me. My mom was 67 when she passed and I'm 26. Even when she was diagnosed with multiple illnesses she still stayed strong. She gave me an excellent childhood and I can remember all the good times we had but it's the bad times that are absolutely killing me.

I just can't stop thinking about the times she just wanted to talk to me and I just kinda nudged it off and wouldn't take the time to talk to her. The times I talked back to her when it wasn't necessary. The times I got ill with her trying to show her how to do something on the computer.

I just don't know what to do about this. It hits me at random times. I've been sitting at a restaurant at lunch a couple times and I would think about it and I would have to keep myself from breaking down. If I could sell my soul to the devil himself just for a few minutes to tell my mother how sorry I was, I would.
Pentatonic - LifeLong has you going in the right direction. When my father died in an accident, all i could think of was how I had cut him off mid-sentence the last time we talked because i had a plane to catch. Then he was gone forever.

Two things that worked for me and may work for you:
1) Sit quietly in a room with an empty chair opposite you. In your mind, conjure her up. See her sitting there. Imagine the clothing and shoes she has on. What did her hair look like? Is she wearing earrings? Make it as real as possible. Notice that her eyes are full of love and joy that you "brought her back" for a little while. Tell her everything. Let your heart open and pour out all the grief, the guilt, the pain, the joy, the things you are grateful for and the things you are sorry for. Keep going through the tears until you can't think of anything else. Holding that picture of her in your mind, hear her say she loves you. Hear her say she forgives you. Hear her tell you how proud she is of you and all you are and all you will become. Feel her essence hugging you and loving you.

Let this process take however long it takes. I did it three times with Dad. I would get it all out and later remember something else I wanted to say to him. Then one night I had a vivid dream. He was walking with me in the forest. I was a little child and we were exploring nature and watching squirrels and birds. He kneeled down and hugged me and said he had to go now, and he said he knew I would be OK walking home by myself.

That was it. I still cry when I think about losing him at such a young age. But it isn't the debilitating grief it was. It has been 25 years since he passed away and I'm almost the age he was when he died. I live now so that he would be proud.

2) Learn about Tapping. Gary Craig developed this technology right around the time my Dad passed away. I stumbled on it and started using it. There are a lot of people who have used his stuff and kind of watered it down. It's weird and seems like an odd thing to be doing - as it requires thinking about your pain as you tap on different spots on your head and body. The theory is that it interrupts the electrical charge of the emotion connected to the thought. It may just work because you keep saying "I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself." Who knows? Sometimes I don't need to know, I just create some ritual that works for me to keep me sane. Here's Gary Craig's link

Keep on forgiving yourself - you're human. You are a good person. And you deserve to feel happy again. Life is too short to spend too much time on grief. But you'll get past it when you get past it.

Blessings,
RC
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Old 06-02-2012, 08:48 PM
 
7,315 posts, read 5,272,785 times
Reputation: 2830
If I were you, I'd go to a counselor if you can afford it (maybe someone on a sliding scale), and discuss this. The problem is not with your mom. Your mom understands and loves you. The problem is now inside of you, and you need to get some healing inside. Maybe when you're all talked out about this, the healing will begin?


Quote:
Originally Posted by pentatonic View Post
My mother passed on February 2nd and I have been living in a personal hell ever since.

My mother was a great mom. My parents were older when they had me. My mom was 67 when she passed and I'm 26. Even when she was diagnosed with multiple illnesses she still stayed strong. She gave me an excellent childhood and I can remember all the good times we had but it's the bad times that are absolutely killing me.

I just can't stop thinking about the times she just wanted to talk to me and I just kinda nudged it off and wouldn't take the time to talk to her. The times I talked back to her when it wasn't necessary. The times I got ill with her trying to show her how to do something on the computer.

I just don't know what to do about this. It hits me at random times. I've been sitting at a restaurant at lunch a couple times and I would think about it and I would have to keep myself from breaking down. If I could sell my soul to the devil himself just for a few minutes to tell my mother how sorry I was, I would.
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Old 06-03-2012, 04:07 AM
 
11,686 posts, read 13,078,672 times
Reputation: 30973
It sounds as if you were a perfectly normal child. Why you are dwelling on the very common negative things we all do with parents - and others, is as Saritaschihuahua said, a problem you are having with yourself. And it would probably be helpful, as she said, to try to get some counseling. Perhaps your current feeling about having been an inadequate daughter, may be a case of a sense of general inadequacy finding a focus in a time of crisis. Whatever the case, some counseling seems like a good idea.
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