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Old 05-21-2012, 02:25 PM
 
568 posts, read 817,281 times
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My mother passed on February 2nd and I have been living in a personal hell ever since.

My mother was a great mom. My parents were older when they had me. My mom was 67 when she passed and I'm 26. Even when she was diagnosed with multiple illnesses she still stayed strong. She gave me an excellent childhood and I can remember all the good times we had but it's the bad times that are absolutely killing me.

I just can't stop thinking about the times she just wanted to talk to me and I just kinda nudged it off and wouldn't take the time to talk to her. The times I talked back to her when it wasn't necessary. The times I got ill with her trying to show her how to do something on the computer.

I just don't know what to do about this. It hits me at random times. I've been sitting at a restaurant at lunch a couple times and I would think about it and I would have to keep myself from breaking down. If I could sell my soul to the devil himself just for a few minutes to tell my mother how sorry I was, I would.
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Old 05-21-2012, 02:50 PM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,056 posts, read 7,962,938 times
Reputation: 11449
I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm really close to my mom and I can't imagine what I would do without her. But you can't beat yourself up about things you can't change. All of us have taken our parents for granted especially when we're bratty teenagers! I'm sure your mom knew how much you loved and appreciated her. I doubt she would want you to feel guilty. Maybe you could see a grief counselor if these feelings are really impacting your daily life.
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Old 05-21-2012, 05:34 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,178 posts, read 14,264,444 times
Reputation: 14779
I am sorry for your loss and that you are having such a difficult time.

As a mother, I assure you that your mother knew your brattiness was a part of learning to be independent; your shortness with her learning computer stuff was just a sign of the age difference. Don't stress yourself, your mother knew you loved her and she not only overlooked those things but totally forgot them.

It is only natural for you to feel guilt in your grief - it's part of the grief process for some people. It will be less in time. Try to focus on those times you were there for your Mom, on the times you made her smile or laugh, the hugs you two shared, the pride she felt in your accomplishments. A parent's biggest goal and greatest source of joy comes from knowing that they had a positive influence on you. Be the best you can be as a tribute to your mother. That's all she'd want.

Take things slow. Grief isn't over in a day or a week or a month. It can come and go, some days less and other days more.

And I agree with the above poster, consider either counselling or join one of the self-help groups.
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Old 05-21-2012, 07:51 PM
 
Location: The Great State of Arkansas
5,981 posts, read 15,906,069 times
Reputation: 7531
So sorry to hear you are having a difficult time and couldn't agree with the above posters more. Time is a great healer, and so is talking with someone about your feelings.

Moms are great in their own special way - they love unconditionally and they know the love is there even when things are a little strained. Know in your heart that your mom was so proud of you and you were special, and that even when you were a little out of sorts she shrugged it off. That's what moms do.

I'm sorry for your loss - once we lose our mother, things are never quite the same. Even with moms and daughters who are polar opposites there is a very, very special bond. Please do remember the good times - laugh about the funny things that happened or the times you were happy in one another's company. It IS a great tribute to her to live your life fully and live it well - after all, that's all she ever wanted - you've already said she was a great mom and an inspiration to you.

I will tell you - I am 55 - I lost my mother 38 years ago this summer. Your life is never quite the same. I was an extremely difficult teenager and never had a clue that I would lose her. I'd give anything for a do-over myself but I know she knew my heart, and I believe she is with me even now. I promise, though - with time and some counseling or even a good friend to reminisce with, the bad times will recede in your memory and the good times will become even more precious.

Peace to you tonight.
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Old 05-21-2012, 09:55 PM
 
13,496 posts, read 13,981,177 times
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moms are very special especially the good ones. my mom dies as well when I was your age and 30 plus years later I still wish I had spent more time with her when I had the chance. I think when you love someone and they are gone it is natural to wish you had more time or could take back the times where you didn't act your best. as another poster said your mom knew you were a child and also loved you as a mother does. that love is unconditional and they don't sweat the small stuff. remember the good and let the rest fall by the wayside. your mom certainly wouldn't want you to dwell on anything other then that. hugs
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Old 05-21-2012, 10:19 PM
 
4,043 posts, read 2,891,537 times
Reputation: 1948
Quote:
Originally Posted by pentatonic View Post
My mother passed on February 2nd and I have been living in a personal hell ever since.

My mother was a great mom. My parents were older when they had me. My mom was 67 when she passed and I'm 26. Even when she was diagnosed with multiple illnesses she still stayed strong. She gave me an excellent childhood and I can remember all the good times we had but it's the bad times that are absolutely killing me.

I just can't stop thinking about the times she just wanted to talk to me and I just kinda nudged it off and wouldn't take the time to talk to her. The times I talked back to her when it wasn't necessary. The times I got ill with her trying to show her how to do something on the computer.

I just don't know what to do about this. It hits me at random times. I've been sitting at a restaurant at lunch a couple times and I would think about it and I would have to keep myself from breaking down. If I could sell my soul to the devil himself just for a few minutes to tell my mother how sorry I was, I would.
Whoa! It's as if your mind, or let's pretend that a little gremlin inside your mind is stressing you to death over this.

I am in my mid-fifties and have a two daughters in their twenties. Your post here hit to my bone marrow. Both of our daughters and I have superb, very close relationships and either of them could have written what you just wrote if I had passed away.

You wrote how wonderful your mom was. She KNEW how much you loved her. She gave you the great times, and a great life. She, being wonderful had a lot of wisdom. Therefore, with your mom at peace in eternity she has ZERO need to hear you say you are sorry for the human reactions you, as a daughter, had towards her at times.

I get it, it is you that has the need to tell her. But please! really realize that she is fine and knows how much you loved her and appreciated the great childhood she gave you.

We can't know if folks in eternity can see and hear us, but please, when you are alone in your home, talk to her. Pour your heart out to her.

I just hope very sincerely that you'll stop letting this torment you. Maybe try some meditation to silence the thoughts. I meditate because I get sick and tired of my mind running as if it has a life of its own.

Your post about your mom proved that she really, really doesn't need you to apologize for these things. It's in your mind and haunting you, so in my hunble opinion you need something to help you shut your mind up about it.

I use this free exercise...right from the website you can click on listen, and it's what I call a meditation but really it's a mental, observational exercise that Psychiatrists use, too and it's to still the incessant thinking and worrying.

www.copingstrategiescd.com
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Old 05-22-2012, 08:30 AM
 
Location: Rockwall
678 posts, read 1,251,172 times
Reputation: 1100
Pentatonic,
I'm so sorry for your loss. What you're feeling is not uncommon and healing can come with time. That you feel bad for your behavior shows that you are a very caring person and I'm sure your Mother saw that also.

Something that may help- write 'letters' to your Mom. You can apologize for specific things that you regret. Put in the letter what you wish you had done. You can also share how you're feeling. Write about the good memories and your dreams, goals and accomplishments that you would share with her if she was still here.

Prayers~

~|~
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Old 05-22-2012, 11:17 AM
 
Location: Austin
2,173 posts, read 2,764,342 times
Reputation: 2183
Quote:
Originally Posted by pentatonic View Post
My mother passed on February 2nd and I have been living in a personal hell ever since.

My mother was a great mom. My parents were older when they had me. My mom was 67 when she passed and I'm 26. Even when she was diagnosed with multiple illnesses she still stayed strong. She gave me an excellent childhood and I can remember all the good times we had but it's the bad times that are absolutely killing me.

I just can't stop thinking about the times she just wanted to talk to me and I just kinda nudged it off and wouldn't take the time to talk to her. The times I talked back to her when it wasn't necessary. The times I got ill with her trying to show her how to do something on the computer.

I just don't know what to do about this. It hits me at random times. I've been sitting at a restaurant at lunch a couple times and I would think about it and I would have to keep myself from breaking down. If I could sell my soul to the devil himself just for a few minutes to tell my mother how sorry I was, I would.
Oh honey, this is breaking my heart. Your mom knows and understands now. I am sure she did then as well.
I do that sometimes, too, but it's not productive.

Find some quiet time to talk to her now.

And just fyi- don't even threaten the selling of your soul thing. Joke or not, it's not really a good idea.
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Old 05-22-2012, 11:20 AM
 
3,803 posts, read 4,806,945 times
Reputation: 3463
Quote:
Originally Posted by pentatonic View Post
My mother passed on February 2nd and I have been living in a personal hell ever since.

My mother was a great mom. My parents were older when they had me. My mom was 67 when she passed and I'm 26. Even when she was diagnosed with multiple illnesses she still stayed strong. She gave me an excellent childhood and I can remember all the good times we had but it's the bad times that are absolutely killing me.

I just can't stop thinking about the times she just wanted to talk to me and I just kinda nudged it off and wouldn't take the time to talk to her. The times I talked back to her when it wasn't necessary. The times I got ill with her trying to show her how to do something on the computer.

I just don't know what to do about this. It hits me at random times. I've been sitting at a restaurant at lunch a couple times and I would think about it and I would have to keep myself from breaking down. If I could sell my soul to the devil himself just for a few minutes to tell my mother how sorry I was, I would.

you are still grieving--please give yourself some time and a few sessions with a grief therapist---i am sure your mother would not want you to be in emotional pain --God bless
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Old 05-22-2012, 12:20 PM
 
5,710 posts, read 12,826,638 times
Reputation: 9009
A mother's love knows no bounds. I am sure your mom knew you truly loved her. Don't live your life with, "shoulda, coulda, woulda's." Live your life to the fullest and make your mom proud.
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