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Old 06-08-2012, 07:57 AM
Location: Las Vegas
224 posts, read 790,183 times
Reputation: 409


How did/are they coping?

My ex-husband died suddenly from a massive stroke about 9 months ago. We had been divorced for 10+ years, but my kids spent almost 50% of their time with him and sometimes we did things together as a family, so he was not a typical "every other weekend" dad.

My kids are 14 and 16 (13 and 15 at the time of his death). After a month or so, their mourning tapered off, and now they seem to be doing really well, so well in fact that sometimes I think I miss him more than they do! I try to mention my ex when it's natural so they don't think I'm trying to "forget" him. I'm not sure what else to do, though, or if I should be doing anything else besides living normal life. I would like to hear how other kids (especially older kids) have reacted after the death of a parent.
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Old 06-11-2012, 04:20 PM
Location: Fredericksburg, Va
5,120 posts, read 12,743,042 times
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Don't worry, they haven't "forgotten" him....they've simply mourned and gone on with life...as they should do. Sounds like your kids are mentally healthy and normal. They know that YOU haven't forgotten him, either, so don't worry about that.
I don't think you need to do a thing, except love your kids and have a happy life.
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Old 06-12-2012, 08:08 AM
758 posts, read 1,596,872 times
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It sounds very normal. They will have bad days no doubt and every milestone they reach will be a bittersweet one because he is not there. Their brains just won't let them grieve like we adults do. I think we as parents can see everything they are going to miss throughout their lives because of that absence so we feel a lot of grief for them and think that they should feel more.
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Old 06-13-2012, 07:25 PM
23 posts, read 38,054 times
Reputation: 17
A Nonny Mouse,

The other responders are wrong. Your children are not acting normal or healthy. I know because my mother died my senior year of high school. Your children are trying to act normal and healthy because they are not readying to deal with their feels They will need your support when the wall falls down. Do not push them because it will backfire.
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Old 06-14-2012, 09:29 PM
30,378 posts, read 31,261,031 times
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My biological mother died just before my 6th birthday. Since I was living already with my stepmother and my father (as he and my biological were divorced already a few years), I remember going on with life but never forgetting that my first mother was gone (as my stepmother was already functioning as my "second" mother). A few months after her death, my half brother was born and I know that I was very protective of him wishing to shield from the kind of pain and confusion that I felt at that time.
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Old 06-20-2012, 07:03 AM
Location: Heart of Dixie
1,298 posts, read 1,852,586 times
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"normal" is not defined with grief. Everyone reacts and behaves differently. I would stay close to my children and encourage them to talk about their dad, their feelings.
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Old 06-21-2012, 08:12 AM
3,893 posts, read 9,369,851 times
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First off, I'm so sorry. You had an involved co-parent and lost him so suddenly! So unfair for you and your kids.

You know your kids better than we do. If you sense they are doing well, they probably are. I would say continue to talk about him so they know it's okay and will feel more comfortable approaching you about him. There WILL be times they feel his absence more intensely than others. Just be sensitive to that so you will pick up on it when it happens. Also, try not to worry too much about how they are coping.

Do they have outlets for their emotions? For instance, are they into music, theatre, dance, art? There's also a school of thought that teens open up more while walking, so maybe evening walks or weekend hikes might help them if they are holding back.

The fact they are not "stuck" and acting out is a good sign. You sound like a loving, attentive mom who is doing a great job. Hang in there!
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