Mourning Without Grief

[markg91359]

I thought I would write this about my father.

He's been dead now for a little over three years. He died of colon cancer that metastized. He was a wonderful father and probably an even better grandfather to his grandchildren. He served his country in World War II in the Navy. He was married 60 years to my mother. It was a first and only marriage for both of them. He succeeded professionally beyond almost anyone's expectations. He held important positions in both state and federal government. He lived until he was 84 years old. He provided very well for my mother and left her with more than ample means to take care of herself.

I miss him. I mourn him.

I do not grieve his loss though. In my mind, he lived a full and complete life. Even his last four years after his diagnosis with cancer were not bad. Most of the time, he was quite active. Only his last three months were hard and even so he wanted very little in the way of pain medication. He just became more and more tired as the days went on. He lost interest in eating and in drinking. He finally fell asleep and didn't wake up. It was his time to go.

Rather than grieve his loss, instead I feel fortunate that he lived. I am proud he was my father. Rather than spending time suffering, I do what I know he would have wanted me to do. I take good care of my own family. I spend time with my children and my mother. I spend more time budgeting and being careful which were two things he never stop reminding me to do.

The emotion I feel today is gratitude for what we all had rather than suffering that he is gone. He gave to us all in life and he is still giving.

[tamiznluv]

What a wonderful tribute to your father, Mark. My condolences too. My Dad was Navy also. When Mom died, they had been married 55 years. They sure don't make marriages like they used to.

[brightdoglover]

Yes, a wonderful tribute to a life well lived. I think it is entirely possible (and "normal/healthy") to miss someone but not be devastated or upset. I do think sometimes people's upset at a person's death is a bit partly "I'll die, too" or their own thoughts and feelings and beliefs about death, afterlife, god, etc.
My father (who did not live an admirable life, but did honorable service in WW2 and took care of his ex-wife when she was down and out and sick) will be gone soon, as he is in hospice and weakening. He is OK with dying, expected it (87 and walking two miles a day!) and he just expected a heart attack, not major cancer, but is at peace with his own end. I'm very fond of him, although "family life" was quite lacking. He was never mean, he was good to the dog, he was a lot nicer to be around than my mother, and he didn't ask for anything or incur a cost for his presence. I have always been quite fond of him, and it is poignant that he is dying now. I am relieved he is in a facility with supervision and hospice, and glad he is OK with his end of life, which he hopes is soon. I will miss him. Same with my elder aunt, 87, and a dear friend of 84. I will miss them in my life.