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Old 06-30-2012, 09:31 AM
833 posts, read 1,416,167 times
Reputation: 764


Originally Posted by sera View Post
Youngest son informed me he's coming for his Dad's tools, that his Dad/My husband informed him
they were his when he died.

Know it is just "stuff", though am not ready to let go. Am surprised how this has become an issue. First
he treats me as if he cannot do enough for me, then when I question him, about coming from another state, saying I am not ready, well it isn't pleasant. Says he need them for his new business; well, what if his Dad were still alive? ! When I told him I wasn't ready, he replied Dad wouldn't want them to gather dust. (DH departed for Heaven in February, 2012)

Need all the wisdom I can get right now, if you have dealt with a similar situation would appreciate your
input. Thank you as always, this Forum has been a great comfort to me.

God is good; this too shall pass---and more shall be revealed!

----" youngest son"---,

You didn't use the words----"my" or " our "

If he is your son or whether he is your step son makes a big difference in dividing up property of your husband's
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Old 06-30-2012, 10:16 AM
Location: The Jar
20,071 posts, read 13,747,950 times
Reputation: 36712
There's nothing like a death to bring out all of the "greedies" in the family.

I've seen it time and time again!

Oh, and watch out for the ones who are in charge of distributing the "wishes" and keep it all to themselves and pretending they did just that.

There's always at least one of those in a big family, too! It is just plain old common thievery-IMHO.

If your husband wanted his son to have the tools, give them to him when YOU are good and ready.
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Old 06-30-2012, 11:04 AM
7,695 posts, read 12,841,965 times
Reputation: 9599
Lots of people have opinions but they have never experienced that first year and the heartache of seeing your husbands things being divided up..

I do know because I lost my husband March 2011 and the kids wanted things right away. To complicate it I had Step kids that wanted to swoop in and take things after just a month or so. Step Kids that said "dad wanted me to have this & that"

Best decision I made was to not decide things until I felt ready. After a year I was ready to think clearly and
let go of some things that would have been very hard right away...

This year is hard enough on you and their are tons of decisions that have to be made..
Don't add to that decisions that can wait and will be easier when you are ready...

If he comes you will be out of control with what he takes..I have a garage & shed full of tools and
slowly I am dividing what I will need & what I will give to the kids...
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Old 06-30-2012, 11:06 AM
7,695 posts, read 12,841,965 times
Reputation: 9599
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
I would have to (gently) ask you why?
because she isnt ready..only reason she needs.
Unless you have greived a husband you can't understand..
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Old 06-30-2012, 11:08 AM
7,695 posts, read 12,841,965 times
Reputation: 9599
Originally Posted by Lariat View Post
WTF? This is unhealthy. Let him have them. It's a man's tradition to get his father's tools upon death.
tradition baloney...he should get what she offers in her own timing...
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Old 06-30-2012, 02:18 PM
Location: WY
4,908 posts, read 3,486,368 times
Reputation: 5380
Originally Posted by kelly237 View Post
because she isnt ready..only reason she needs.
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Old 07-02-2012, 01:07 AM
Location: Glasgow Scotland
14,497 posts, read 11,474,558 times
Reputation: 20971
this scenario reminds me of one in my own house... my husband , the only son with three sisters was promised his dads ring... not a very valuable one but he thought a lot of it.. on his death, his mother was wearing it , and my husband asked if he could have it, she refused saying she wanted to wear it, fair enough.. but on her death two years later his sister took the ring and gave it to her son... now this to me wasnt on.... an older sister , the first child should have been considered as she had a son too,, but no this more shall we say assertive one jumped in took the ring and refused to give it to my husband.. she said he could have his dads watch.. as I said it wasnt the value of the ring but the principle of it... and it caused a rift in the family . Im not one for fighting over things like this, but it meant so much to my husband and I was in the room one day when his dad had been putting the ring on and said that he would get it when he was gone..... what are some families all about..
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Old 07-02-2012, 07:51 AM
Location: in my living room
1,086 posts, read 1,764,997 times
Reputation: 1569
Reading through this thread reminds me all the more why wills are needed with specifics written into it. I know, a little off topic. As far as timelines to part with items, I don't know. We each have our own.
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Old 07-02-2012, 10:00 AM
Location: Wyoming
9,164 posts, read 16,515,249 times
Reputation: 13349
Sera, first, I'm sorry for your loss.

I can only say what I'd want if I passed. I'd want my son to have any of my tools that my wife wouldn't use, especially if he would use them. Your husband's son will remember his dad as he uses the tools. We must keep in mind that we (the spouses) aren't the only ones who suffer the loss of loved ones. The children do too. What better use of the tools than to help his son start a new business? You asked, "what if his dad was still alive?" Chances are that if your husband knew he wouldn't be using them again, he'd want his son to have them to start his new business.

I know that we all deal with the loss of a spouse differently, but when my beloved wife passed away several years ago, I asked her daughters to take anything they wanted immediately after the funeral. I knew I didn't need her "things" to remember her, and if there was anything they could use or just wanted, I wanted them to take it. I also knew it's what my wife would have wished.

I'm not presuming to tell you what YOU should do. That's a personal decision, but I urge you to be generous with your husband's belongings. Additionally, if your husband died intestate, many states would divide his property, aside from your home, between spouse and children, so laws do see the children as having certain rights to their deceased parents' property.
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Old 07-02-2012, 11:03 AM
Location: West Michigan
12,215 posts, read 7,343,646 times
Reputation: 7039
I just remembered that before my mother died she had promised a lot of things to be given away when she died. When the time came, my dad was no where near the point where he wanted see paintings, a chest of drawers, a rocking chair, etc. she had promised to leave the house. (I think mom had forgot that dad had lived with those things many years himself and the thought of all those "holes" appearing in his world was too much for him.) So we decided instead to just glue index cards to the back of things saying who it was promised to for when my dad was ready to let it go. He ended up keeping all the family heirlooms until he died and then those things went to my siblings and her grandchildren as my mom had originally promised. It worked for my family because we all knew our index card labels would be respected when the time came......
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