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Old 07-02-2012, 11:14 AM
 
Location: Texas
203 posts, read 421,574 times
Reputation: 463

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lariat View Post
WTF? This is unhealthy. Let him have them. It's a man's tradition to get his father's tools upon death.

I totally agree, I expect to get my dad's tools when he passes and I would be furious at my mom if she didn't let me have them. I wouldn't take them all as she would need some basic tools but I would want the rest.

To me it is an unspoken thing that doesn't even need to be in a will. Dad passes on, son gets tools. Or a daughter would get them, it doesn't even matter the gender, whomever helped their dad the most on projects or just whomever had the closest bond to him gets his tools.
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Old 07-02-2012, 12:38 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,433 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814
Quote:
Originally Posted by dizzybint View Post
this scenario reminds me of one in my own house... my husband , the only son with three sisters was promised his dads ring... not a very valuable one but he thought a lot of it.. on his death, his mother was wearing it , and my husband asked if he could have it, she refused saying she wanted to wear it, fair enough.. but on her death two years later his sister took the ring and gave it to her son... now this to me wasnt on.... an older sister , the first child should have been considered as she had a son too,, but no this more shall we say assertive one jumped in took the ring and refused to give it to my husband.. she said he could have his dads watch.. as I said it wasnt the value of the ring but the principle of it... and it caused a rift in the family . Im not one for fighting over things like this, but it meant so much to my husband and I was in the room one day when his dad had been putting the ring on and said that he would get it when he was gone..... what are some families all about..
That's a sad story, dizzy, but apparently not that uncommon. I feel bad for your hubby...cheated out of the ring Dad wanted him to have. Very selfish of your MIL to not give it to him, then even more selfish for your SIL to "steal it" and give to her son. Steal is the only way I can think of that.

The more I learn of other's lives, the more grateful I am to have been an only child.
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Old 07-02-2012, 12:58 PM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
20,792 posts, read 37,464,612 times
Reputation: 20814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lariat View Post
WTF? This is unhealthy. Let him have them. It's a man's tradition to get his father's tools upon death.
Thanks for that blatant reminder, I'll make sure the trust / wills get updated in case the 'entitlement syndrom' manifests on our demise.... FAT chance my kids are getting DH tools. There are many more 'needy' and more meaningful recipiants. + there is a HIGH probability many will be in continual use to keep maint and repair going (we built many homes together). And yes there are $xxx,xxx worth to be dispensed.
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Old 07-02-2012, 01:05 PM
 
Location: Home, Home on the Front Range
21,026 posts, read 15,237,623 times
Reputation: 11768
Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoNewk View Post
Sera, first, I'm sorry for your loss.

I can only say what I'd want if I passed. I'd want my son to have any of my tools that my wife wouldn't use, especially if he would use them. Your husband's son will remember his dad as he uses the tools. We must keep in mind that we (the spouses) aren't the only ones who suffer the loss of loved ones. The children do too. What better use of the tools than to help his son start a new business? You asked, "what if his dad was still alive?" Chances are that if your husband knew he wouldn't be using them again, he'd want his son to have them to start his new business.

I know that we all deal with the loss of a spouse differently, but when my beloved wife passed away several years ago, I asked her daughters to take anything they wanted immediately after the funeral. I knew I didn't need her "things" to remember her, and if there was anything they could use or just wanted, I wanted them to take it. I also knew it's what my wife would have wished.

I'm not presuming to tell you what YOU should do. That's a personal decision, but I urge you to be generous with your husband's belongings. Additionally, if your husband died intestate, many states would divide his property, aside from your home, between spouse and children, so laws do see the children as having certain rights to their deceased parents' property.

Exactly how I felt when my husband died.
Whatever the kids asked for, was theirs.
Yes, I lost my husband, but, they lost their father.

That's my perspective anyway.
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Old 07-02-2012, 01:48 PM
 
Location: The Great State of Arkansas
5,981 posts, read 15,900,945 times
Reputation: 7531
It's been 4 months, people - 4 MONTHS - 16 weeks. That's not very long for the OP to make the adjustment and start giving things away if not ready. Some people want to purge immediately, other people are hauling stuff around years later because emotionally and mentally they just aren't ready to make that break.

OP, I'd say wait it out a little while - you should give yourself a mental break and try to set a goal on disbursing some items. While I understand son wants them now and it would help his new business, unless your husband promised them to him upon opening that business then I can't really see where he can demand them immediately (unless there's a will in place saying it's his property).

I don't understand why some folks can't understand it's an attachment thing - you just want anything that reminds you of the person that has passed, and no more changes. A death of a spouse is a horrible thing and just rocks your world. You have to adjust to so many things and cope with so many things alone now, why rock the boat before you're ready? Watching someone, even your child, cart things out the door brings home a finality that some just can't accept right away - and yes, I think 16 weeks is "right away".
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Old 07-02-2012, 02:06 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,481 posts, read 15,913,707 times
Reputation: 38756
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
First of all, if you are keeping the house you will have repairs to do so make sure you are hanging on to what you might need or use. I learned power tools are actually fun and I use my saws/tile cutters, etc. And everyone should have a basic set of tools for the house and car. Keep everything you want to keep.

Maybe you feel differently but tools H used didn't have much sentimental value to me. I still have a lot of things I need to unload in that department. Maybe it's because they are a huge mix of stuff that belonged to H and my parents/grandparents. There's just too much of it and it takes up too much space!

Do you think your H promised the tools to your son? In the interest of being fair, the other kids will want something too. Maybe you should wait till next summer and have a giving away party. Invite all the kids and have everything you are willing to give away up for grabs. That way everyone can have something. Clear out an extra room and put down a tarp on the floor and as you go through things over time, put everything you want to get rid of in the room. When the kids are done, have some charity come out and pick up the rest.

Don't let anyone pressure you about giving things up. In the big scheme of things, you may not even know at this point what you will or won't need.
That is an idea that you may want to consider.
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Old 07-02-2012, 08:08 PM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,845,131 times
Reputation: 9599
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam I Am View Post
It's been 4 months, people - 4 MONTHS - 16 weeks. That's not very long for the OP to make the adjustment and start giving things away if not ready. Some people want to purge immediately, other people are hauling stuff around years later because emotionally and mentally they just aren't ready to make that break.

OP, I'd say wait it out a little while - you should give yourself a mental break and try to set a goal on disbursing some items. While I understand son wants them now and it would help his new business, unless your husband promised them to him upon opening that business then I can't really see where he can demand them immediately (unless there's a will in place saying it's his property).

I don't understand why some folks can't understand it's an attachment thing - you just want anything that reminds you of the person that has passed, and no more changes. A death of a spouse is a horrible thing and just rocks your world. You have to adjust to so many things and cope with so many things alone now, why rock the boat before you're ready? Watching someone, even your child, cart things out the door brings home a finality that some just can't accept right away - and yes, I think 16 weeks is "right away".
I agree completely !!! This will be so much easier in a year or so.
I am still realizing I need certain tools to maintain this house that I didn't realize earlier..
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Old 07-02-2012, 08:12 PM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,845,131 times
Reputation: 9599
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wayland Woman View Post
I just remembered that before my mother died she had promised a lot of things to be given away when she died. When the time came, my dad was no where near the point where he wanted see paintings, a chest of drawers, a rocking chair, etc. she had promised to leave the house. (I think mom had forgot that dad had lived with those things many years himself and the thought of all those "holes" appearing in his world was too much for him.) So we decided instead to just glue index cards to the back of things saying who it was promised to for when my dad was ready to let it go. He ended up keeping all the family heirlooms until he died and then those things went to my siblings and her grandchildren as my mom had originally promised. It worked for my family because we all knew our index card labels would be respected when the time came......
This is how it should be done !!!..With the upmost consideration to the surviving parent ..
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Old 07-03-2012, 12:21 AM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,706 posts, read 21,760,954 times
Reputation: 27757
This is how I feel about the matter. Someone (doesn't matter if it's her son) is coming to sera's house to take her things. How dare he take her things? It doesn't sound as though he even asked if he could have the tools. I don't know, but it seems as though he's going to clean her out. Doesn't everyone need a drill, hammer, screwdrivers, pliers, wrenches, maybe a socket set?

I don't even want to think about the chaos I've seen over the years when family members have died. People fighting over 10 year old TV's and small appliances.

I have a lot of tools. Nobody gets my tools.



old[ tv's and smalQUOTE=Sam I Am;24995268]It's been 4 months, people - 4 MONTHS - 16 weeks. That's not very long for the OP to make the adjustment and start giving things away if not ready. Some people want to purge immediately, other people are hauling stuff around years later because emotionally and mentally they just aren't ready to make that break.

OP, I'd say wait it out a little while - you should give yourself a mental break and try to set a goal on disbursing some items. While I understand son wants them now and it would help his new business, unless your husband promised them to him upon opening that business then I can't really see where he can demand them immediately (unless there's a will in place saying it's his property).

I don't understand why some folks can't understand it's an attachment thing - you just want anything that reminds you of the person that has passed, and no more changes. A death of a spouse is a horrible thing and just rocks your world. You have to adjust to so many things and cope with so many things alone now, why rock the boat before you're ready? Watching someone, even your child, cart things out the door brings home a finality that some just can't accept right away - and yes, I think 16 weeks is "right away".[/quote]
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Old 07-03-2012, 01:28 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,740,923 times
Reputation: 7078
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam I Am View Post
It's been 4 months, people - 4 MONTHS - 16 weeks. That's not very long for the OP to make the adjustment and start giving things away if not ready. Some people want to purge immediately, other people are hauling stuff around years later because emotionally and mentally they just aren't ready to make that break.

OP, I'd say wait it out a little while - you should give yourself a mental break and try to set a goal on disbursing some items. While I understand son wants them now and it would help his new business, unless your husband promised them to him upon opening that business then I can't really see where he can demand them immediately (unless there's a will in place saying it's his property).

I don't understand why some folks can't understand it's an attachment thing - you just want anything that reminds you of the person that has passed, and no more changes. A death of a spouse is a horrible thing and just rocks your world. You have to adjust to so many things and cope with so many things alone now, why rock the boat before you're ready? Watching someone, even your child, cart things out the door brings home a finality that some just can't accept right away - and yes, I think 16 weeks is "right away".
I agree. The attachment thing is a biggie with me. There is no rhyme or reason to what someone is attached to. It can be a collection of coffee mugs, his tools, his shirts, or his stamp collection. Some things just need to be kept, and other things can be given away. What means something to one person, can have no meaning to others. Keep what makes you feel good, give away what doesn't matter to you, and if you're uncertain, just wait. When the time is right, you'll know it, but if you're pushed into giving away something you're not ready to part with, you'll have a lot of remorse and regret.
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