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Old 07-05-2012, 07:21 AM
 
833 posts, read 1,416,462 times
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If the wife is the step mother of the son, hanging onto the tools is rude.

The son knew his dad for more years than the wife did.
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Old 07-05-2012, 03:36 PM
 
Location: WA
604 posts, read 527,784 times
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To redwolf fan and others,

It was OUR son, husband/father had been disabled for 25 years, 2010, our son in another state, we fought
prostate cancer, 2012, we fought esophagus cancer. Note: it wasn't so much about the tools, his atitude
of I am coming for the tools, it doesn't matter if you are there or not.

Supersentive I am right now, though with the help of folks on the Forum, I am doing well. Relationship with our/my
son is all right so far.

Thank each of you.
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Old 07-05-2012, 08:52 PM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,841,965 times
Reputation: 9599
Quote:
Originally Posted by redwolf fan View Post
If the wife is the step mother of the son, hanging onto the tools is rude.

The son knew his dad for more years than the wife did.
Its not that simple..Most likely there is a mix of his tools, their tools, & tools she will need to maintain the house ect. There are also other kids & family members that may want something. If he just comes and gets them (ready or not) she will have to quickly
make hard decisions of sorting when just getting through the day is hard enough. With his pushy attitude he is not going to like it if there are things she wants to keep. She needs to do the sorting before he arrives and do it when she is up to it.

I was a widowed stepmom & I still expected my adult step children to wait until I was ready to begin
giving them things that I wanted them to have. I let them know I would do it as soon as I felt like I could
handle it. It made it easier for all of us. It took almost a year for me to be able to handle giving away his things..
I did make sure that I gave them one significant thing right away to help them have something special soon.
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Old 07-06-2012, 04:36 AM
 
Location: Florida
18,290 posts, read 18,533,242 times
Reputation: 20965
Quote:
Originally Posted by sera View Post
To redwolf fan and others,

It was OUR son, husband/father had been disabled for 25 years, 2010, our son in another state, we fought
prostate cancer, 2012, we fought esophagus cancer. Note: it wasn't so much about the tools, his atitude
of I am coming for the tools, it doesn't matter if you are there or not.

Supersentive I am right now, though with the help of folks on the Forum, I am doing well. Relationship with our/my
son is all right so far.


Thank each of you.
I hope some of the replies you have gotten (including mine) haven't made things harder for you.
Be well.
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Old 07-12-2012, 07:01 PM
 
Location: California
29,580 posts, read 31,907,081 times
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A friend of mine passed away unexpectedly this week and even though the funeral hasn't taken place yet the subject of "stuff" has come up already. The surviving spouse and adult kids all agree with letting stuff go as soon as possible. There is SO MUCH of my friend in that house, everything from the furniture to the decorations to the dishes, they don't want to get bogged down in personal possessions that they won't use and which will keep them stuck. I'm sure this is the case here too, so much stuff.

While I understand the idea behind "I'm not ready" I think sometimes it's good to push yourself to help yourself. This isn't like throwing things out or purging, it's giving something to a child that a father would want them to have. Sorry but I don't get the apprehension since the son is certainly grieving too and would like to have his dads stuff as much as you. Don't downplay that. This sounds more like a battle of the wills or something else besides grief..
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Old 07-13-2012, 05:48 AM
 
Location: The Great State of Arkansas
5,981 posts, read 15,898,310 times
Reputation: 7531
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceece View Post
While I understand the idea behind "I'm not ready" I think sometimes it's good to push yourself to help yourself. This isn't like throwing things out or purging, it's giving something to a child that a father would want them to have. Sorry but I don't get the apprehension since the son is certainly grieving too and would like to have his dads stuff as much as you. Don't downplay that. This sounds more like a battle of the wills or something else besides grief..
See, I don't think you have to push yourself to recover. I think everyone takes it in their own sweet time, and if Junior can't accept that mom is having a difficult time right now and is mourning, well - that would be his problem to adjust to. What I'm hearing is "I'm coming to get what I say is my stuff that Dad would want me to have (eventually - Dad probably didn't say as soon as the funeral is over) I'm NOT hearing "I am so attached to the tools Dad left that I just can't stand it another minute". Of course, we don't have the whole conversation, but still.

One question would be if the will states husband left everything to wife or if he specifically outlined his wishes. If everything goes to wife and she knows to give it to son, I'd say eventually....when she's ready, not when son is ready.

If my spouse dies it all comes to me. I know what he wants the kids to have even though it isn't spelled out. They know as well. They will get it - they will. But it may not be that week, that month, or even that year. I'm the one left behind trying to judge when is appropriate for me AND for them. And I'm sorry - until I am to a point of thinking clearly and making sure I am carrying out things in a reasonable manner, every damn thing in this house is mine.

One clause in our wills is this - NOTHING will be sold or given away to anyone the first 6 months. In case of both of us dying, our home is to be locked up - only the dogs will leave - and in 6 months the executrix, who is no relation whatsoever but has shown herself to be levelheaded and have grace under fire, will come in and she will execute the giving away of property exactly as stated.

You see the worst of people at death and divorce. It's a very trying time emotionally, no matter how long you've been dealing with it or if it is sudden. Make it as easy on yourself as you can.
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Old 07-13-2012, 08:14 PM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,841,965 times
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Sam I am ..I could not agree more..

I am doing very well 16 month after my husbands death but the first 12 months were unbearable.

I did give a few things away soon , but if sorting made an unbearable grief one tiny bit worse
why would I "push" myself . When it was the right time for me I was able to sell his motorcycle, our retirement land, his truck ect.

I still say its not as simple as "his tools" she would have to separate what she wanted & needed to keep.
She needs to be up to this because her son will want everything ..

In our blended family there was some pushing early on for things and I told everyone I was still just trying to get through the day and when I was ready I would let them know. That allowed us to sort things much later
when we were all more emotionally stable.
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Old 07-13-2012, 08:17 PM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,841,965 times
Reputation: 9599
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceece View Post
Sorry but I don't get the apprehension since the son is certainly grieving too and would like to have his dads stuff as much as you. Don't downplay that. This sounds more like a battle of the wills or something else besides grief..
I just have to wonder if you have ever lost a spouse and had to sort & give away their things...
Its so different than losing a parent or friend..

Its classic of grief to struggle with this and calling it a battle of the wills means you don't understand grief.
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Old 07-13-2012, 08:43 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,471 posts, read 15,913,707 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam I Am View Post
See, I don't think you have to push yourself to recover. I think everyone takes it in their own sweet time, and if Junior can't accept that mom is having a difficult time right now and is mourning, well - that would be his problem to adjust to. What I'm hearing is "I'm coming to get what I say is my stuff that Dad would want me to have (eventually - Dad probably didn't say as soon as the funeral is over) I'm NOT hearing "I am so attached to the tools Dad left that I just can't stand it another minute". Of course, we don't have the whole conversation, but still.

One question would be if the will states husband left everything to wife or if he specifically outlined his wishes. If everything goes to wife and she knows to give it to son, I'd say eventually....when she's ready, not when son is ready.

If my spouse dies it all comes to me. I know what he wants the kids to have even though it isn't spelled out. They know as well. They will get it - they will. But it may not be that week, that month, or even that year. I'm the one left behind trying to judge when is appropriate for me AND for them. And I'm sorry - until I am to a point of thinking clearly and making sure I am carrying out things in a reasonable manner, every damn thing in this house is mine.

One clause in our wills is this - NOTHING will be sold or given away to anyone the first 6 months. In case of both of us dying, our home is to be locked up - only the dogs will leave - and in 6 months the executrix, who is no relation whatsoever but has shown herself to be levelheaded and have grace under fire, will come in and she will execute the giving away of property exactly as stated.

You see the worst of people at death and divorce. It's a very trying time emotionally, no matter how long you've been dealing with it or if it is sudden. Make it as easy on yourself as you can.
That is very good thinking. I made a previous post about how my MIL got rid of almost everything in her parents large house in just a few weeks. Even 30+ years later my MIL still regretted certain objects that she & her sister just threw away or donated to charity rather than saving for their children and future grandchildren. Thankfully she was not obsessed with it but she said that with pre-teen and teen children it was hard to even picture them wanted their grandparents coo coo clock, china, fancy jewelry, desk set or things like that, but they would have as adults. Later on she always recommended to others to "take their time" after a death to get rid of items. and not just rush through it.
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Old 07-14-2012, 01:13 AM
 
Location: California
29,580 posts, read 31,907,081 times
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I still don't see it. Maybe in a family that has problems with each other but in one that is loving and close I wouldn't understand the apprehension. Certainly many people in my family have died, I'm over 50 so I've seen plenty, but I've never seen something like this happen and know for a fact it would NOT be the case with me because I don't have attachments to household stuff. Certain special things maybe, but everything? Nope. If I wanted the tools to use for myself I might keep them, but not out of any since of nostalgia or for memories sake, especially if I knew it was something father/son discussed. I'd feel horrid.

Quote:
Note: it wasn't so much about the tools, his atitude
of I am coming for the tools, it doesn't matter if you are there or not.
This is what makes me think it a battle of will or something else.

I'm only posting my opinion on a public forum because that's the whole point of this thread. I'm not telling anyone what to do.
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