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Old 07-15-2012, 06:41 PM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,841,965 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
I have this issue with my BF...his wife has been dead two years. Her toothbrush is still in the bathroom, along with all of her make up and stuff. He still has everything. I told him....it is time...I am not giving him an ultimatum or anything...I just told him that it is not working for me any longer...we have been seeing each other for nine months. I said nothing before...but now...the issue is...whose toothbrush do you want in the bathroom?

He told me he never really noticed. Okay. No big deal. Now I mentioned it...and he can mull this over for several months. No rush.
Interesting..What about her clothes & other stuff.. Maybe he wouldn't mind if you cleaned it out if you ask..Maybe he just doesn't want to have to do it?? That is one of the first things I cleaned out..
I don't think I would say "its her toothbrush or mine" I would offer to help at a specific time, just say you need the room..Then if he objects, you have an issue at hand..
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Old 07-15-2012, 07:20 PM
 
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Yes, that is my plan, I will give it several more months, for him to contemplate this step. As I said, no big rush. Just sort of gving it time.

And as I said, I am not giving him an ultimatum. But at some point, he either is ready for change or he is not.
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Old 07-15-2012, 07:29 PM
 
Location: West Michigan
12,220 posts, read 7,343,646 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kelly237 View Post
Interesting..What about her clothes & other stuff.. Maybe he wouldn't mind if you cleaned it out if you ask..Maybe he just doesn't want to have to do it?? That is one of the first things I cleaned out..
I don't think I would say "its her toothbrush or mine" I would offer to help at a specific time, just say you need the room..Then if he objects, you have an issue at hand..
I my opinion, the very last person who should be helping the guy clean his dead wife's stuff out of the bathroom is his now girlfriend. It's an emotional experience and he needs to either do it alone or have an adult children or friend help. I can understand her mentioning it----he's obviously moved on in part of his life---but she shouldn't put herself in a position where he can blame her if the purging turns out bringing up emotions/guilt/resentment/sadness/etc. he wasn't ready to face yet. He might also read pressure from her to clean this stuff out as wanting a commitment to her that he's not ready to make.
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Old 07-15-2012, 07:47 PM
 
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No pressure from me. But I made it clear, her stuff everywhere after two years of her death, is a bit much. I have a high tolerance, and am very supportive. I mentioned it, and now will let it rest for several months. I will bring it up again in January or so...just a nudge. If he does not want to do it, I will offer. If he wants help, I will help. If he chooses to do nothing, well...that is a decision. Doing nothing is a decision.
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Old 07-15-2012, 08:53 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wayland Woman View Post
I my opinion, the very last person who should be helping the guy clean his dead wife's stuff out of the bathroom is his now girlfriend. It's an emotional experience and he needs to either do it alone or have an adult children or friend help. I can understand her mentioning it----he's obviously moved on in part of his life---but she shouldn't put herself in a position where he can blame her if the purging turns out bringing up emotions/guilt/resentment/sadness/etc. he wasn't ready to face yet. He might also read pressure from her to clean this stuff out as wanting a commitment to her that he's not ready to make.
I think you are right now that I think about it. I was thinking maybe its just oversight. Like my garage , it would be nice to have help & its not a big emotional area anymore..
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Old 07-16-2012, 08:18 AM
 
Location: East Coast
2,877 posts, read 4,389,285 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wayland Woman View Post
I my opinion, the very last person who should be helping the guy clean his dead wife's stuff out of the bathroom is his now girlfriend. It's an emotional experience and he needs to either do it alone or have an adult children or friend help. I can understand her mentioning it----he's obviously moved on in part of his life---but she shouldn't put herself in a position where he can blame her if the purging turns out bringing up emotions/guilt/resentment/sadness/etc. he wasn't ready to face yet. He might also read pressure from her to clean this stuff out as wanting a commitment to her that he's not ready to make.
As a widowed person, I agree with this post 100%.
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Old 07-16-2012, 10:55 AM
 
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I disagree.

If he feels sooooo bad about getting rid of his wife's personal items in the bathroom, he shouldn't be bringing a female guest into his house and allow the guest to share the house

Sounds like someone who wants his cake and wants to eat it also !
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Old 07-16-2012, 11:31 AM
 
Location: West Michigan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redwolf fan View Post
I disagree.

If he feels sooooo bad about getting rid of his wife's personal items in the bathroom, he shouldn't be bringing a female guest into his house and allow the guest to share the house

Sounds like someone who wants his cake and wants to eat it also !
Human emotions are not that cut and dry. He could crave the companionship of a woman but not be ready to commit to a girlfriend at the level in which she wants, and subconsciously he's using the dead wife's stuff in the house to keep her at a certain distance. I guess you could call that "wanting your cake and eating it too" BUT I view it as he wouldn't still have his deceased wife's stuff in the bathroom two years out if he was truly committed to moving forward. For her own good, the girlfriend shouldn't even unpacked her bags in that house until the guy has truly made room for her---and not HER making room for herself. Closing a door to the past and opening one to the future don't necessarily happen at the same time and that's what she is asking him to do.

Last edited by Wayland Woman; 07-16-2012 at 12:17 PM..
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Old 07-16-2012, 11:34 AM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,802,296 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sera View Post
Youngest son informed me he's coming for his Dad's tools, that his Dad/My husband informed him
they were his when he died.

Know it is just "stuff", though am not ready to let go. Am surprised how this has become an issue. First
he treats me as if he cannot do enough for me, then when I question him, about coming from another state, saying I am not ready, well it isn't pleasant. Says he need them for his new business; well, what if his Dad were still alive? ! When I told him I wasn't ready, he replied Dad wouldn't want them to gather dust. (DH departed for Heaven in February, 2012)

Need all the wisdom I can get right now, if you have dealt with a similar situation would appreciate your
input. Thank you as always, this Forum has been a great comfort to me.

God is good; this too shall pass---and more shall be revealed!

Tell your son NO and stick to it. DO NOT let him GUILT you into anything. If he needs tools for his business he can go and buy them, they are a tax write off and he should be using your husbands tools for business anyway, those should only be used at home.

DO NOT BACK DOWN. When you are ready you can decide which if any of the tools to give him. Unless it is in writing in the will your son has no legal claim to anything, it all belongs to you now.
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Old 07-16-2012, 11:48 AM
 
833 posts, read 1,416,462 times
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for gosh sakes !

2 years later and the wife's toothbrush is still in the bathroom ?

I could see 2 weeks, but if he still has it there 2 years later, I'll bet it still is there 20 years later.
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