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Old 06-26-2012, 08:13 AM
 
Location: WA
604 posts, read 527,784 times
Reputation: 2050

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Youngest son informed me he's coming for his Dad's tools, that his Dad/My husband informed him
they were his when he died.

Know it is just "stuff", though am not ready to let go. Am surprised how this has become an issue. First
he treats me as if he cannot do enough for me, then when I question him, about coming from another state, saying I am not ready, well it isn't pleasant. Says he need them for his new business; well, what if his Dad were still alive? ! When I told him I wasn't ready, he replied Dad wouldn't want them to gather dust. (DH departed for Heaven in February, 2012)

Need all the wisdom I can get right now, if you have dealt with a similar situation would appreciate your
input. Thank you as always, this Forum has been a great comfort to me.

God is good; this too shall pass---and more shall be revealed!
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Old 06-26-2012, 08:55 AM
 
Location: WY
4,908 posts, read 3,486,368 times
Reputation: 5380
Quote:
Originally Posted by sera View Post
Youngest son informed me he's coming for his Dad's tools, that his Dad/My husband informed him
they were his when he died.

Know it is just "stuff", though am not ready to let go. Am surprised how this has become an issue. First
he treats me as if he cannot do enough for me, then when I question him, about coming from another state, saying I am not ready, well it isn't pleasant. Says he need them for his new business; well, what if his Dad were still alive? ! When I told him I wasn't ready, he replied Dad wouldn't want them to gather dust. (DH departed for Heaven in February, 2012)

Need all the wisdom I can get right now, if you have dealt with a similar situation would appreciate your
input. Thank you as always, this Forum has been a great comfort to me.

God is good; this too shall pass---and more shall be revealed!
Tell your son no - that your are not ready to let go and you will not be giving the tools to him until you ARE ready to let go. He may not be happy about it but that is too bad. He is an adult and he can suck it up. The last thing you need is for your son to be bullying you.
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Old 06-26-2012, 12:33 PM
 
Location: in my living room
1,086 posts, read 1,765,453 times
Reputation: 1569
I'm sorry for your loss. When my DH passed many years ago I had 6 stepchildren to "deal" with. All of them were within 4-10yrs of my age. I expected them to come and try to take anything they could, after all I'd only been thier Dad's wife for 3 1/2 yrs. They were very greatful that I had made thier Dad's last few years comfortable and happy. My two stepson's wanted the tools. My DH was a mechanic and had many, many good tools. I picked out the ones that I figured I could use and gladly gave them the rest. After all, they could get more use out of them than I could. They used those tools to run thier mechanic business's and to support thier families.
Now had they come wanting the photos or the personal belongings that were left, we may have had a squabble.
I'm just saying, that maybe you could take what tools you think you need and let your son have the rest to use to help support his family. You still have all the other possessions to hold onto for as long as you want.
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Old 06-26-2012, 01:09 PM
 
Location: West Michigan
12,215 posts, read 7,343,646 times
Reputation: 7039
Do you think your husband actually did promise the tools to your youngest son, to the exclusion of his other children? If so, then why would you want to go against his wishes? If you're not sure what he was told then maybe you could offer to divide up what tools you personally don't have use for among all of the kids (girls included, they use tools these days). If the siblings of the youngest son don't have a use for tools and want to give their share to their brother, then that is their choice. However, if you really need money right now then maybe you should consider selling them to pay some bills; as the presumed heir of all your husband's belongings that is your right. Whatever you do, make sure it's YOUR choice, coming from YOUR heart and don't be talked into something that will eat at you in the future. When a similar division of a collection came up in my family we gave each kid $1,000 in play money and held an auction. One person blew the whole $1,000 on one item he really wanted and there were several mini bidding wars dollars. It was fun and everyone when home happy.
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Old 06-26-2012, 02:00 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,432 posts, read 24,204,419 times
Reputation: 24745
First of all, if you are keeping the house you will have repairs to do so make sure you are hanging on to what you might need or use. I learned power tools are actually fun and I use my saws/tile cutters, etc. And everyone should have a basic set of tools for the house and car. Keep everything you want to keep.

Maybe you feel differently but tools H used didn't have much sentimental value to me. I still have a lot of things I need to unload in that department. Maybe it's because they are a huge mix of stuff that belonged to H and my parents/grandparents. There's just too much of it and it takes up too much space!

Do you think your H promised the tools to your son? In the interest of being fair, the other kids will want something too. Maybe you should wait till next summer and have a giving away party. Invite all the kids and have everything you are willing to give away up for grabs. That way everyone can have something. Clear out an extra room and put down a tarp on the floor and as you go through things over time, put everything you want to get rid of in the room. When the kids are done, have some charity come out and pick up the rest.

Don't let anyone pressure you about giving things up. In the big scheme of things, you may not even know at this point what you will or won't need.
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Old 06-26-2012, 11:26 PM
 
Location: Florida Gulf Coast
4,083 posts, read 5,498,726 times
Reputation: 6407
Wow, your son sounds like my son. All about him, and he tries that bullying/guilt tactic a lot. But I digress....

I lost my Mom in Feb. too. I donated all her clothes (except for a few things of sentimental value) to a charity organization. I couldn't face the thought of going back into her condo (which is now mine but 1000 mi. away) and seeing all her clothes there. I also sold her (brand-new, never used) sewing machine on Craigslist, and gave her sewing kit to a friend who sews. I wanted those things to be used in her memory and I think she'd be happy with that. There are some other mementos that I plan to give to close relatives -- but not just yet. I'm still in shock. I don't want to give something away and then wish I had it later. I completely understand how you feel. But I guess it depends on the answers to the questions posed by the others -- did your husband want your son to have the tools? What would your husband have wanted?
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Old 06-27-2012, 02:24 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,739,165 times
Reputation: 7078
Can you afford to rent a storage unit? I had to sell the family home three months after dh died, but I was in a daze and couldn't make rational decisions, so when it came time for the movers, I made piles: One for the storage unit I rented, which would have everything I was unsure of what to do with; one for Goodwill that I was positive I wanted to donate, and one for trash. It's now been 2 1/2 years, and I feel I'm emotionally ready to go through the storage unit, and keep what I'd like that's nostalgic or sentimental, or that I can fit in the condo. Then, I will make gifts to the kids with the leftover furniture, tools, decorations and housewares I didn't need or couldn't use in the condo. If there's anything left, I'll donate it. I prepared for this by setting a specific date well ahead of time so I could have time to psyche myself up to disperse things, and letting the kids know it was July 7th or never--basically "take it or lose it".
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Old 06-27-2012, 07:17 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,104 posts, read 17,640,353 times
Reputation: 22444
Tell your son that you are not ready and to back off and if he needs the tools that bad he should go buy his own . Im sorry but if you are not ready then you need to get your dander up so to speak and tell dear son no not yet .. and I was 33 when I was a widow and did not have to deal with much except relatives and I had to sell my house . i sold my husbands piano , my motorcycle , my violin , and anything of value to make ends meet Tell your son when you are ready he can have the tools again when you are ready and if he does not like that too bad . Im sorry I know you are probably still grieving and this is a hard process . Good luck and God bless
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Old 06-30-2012, 04:40 AM
 
1,891 posts, read 2,178,918 times
Reputation: 909
WTF? This is unhealthy. Let him have them. It's a man's tradition to get his father's tools upon death.
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Old 06-30-2012, 05:28 AM
 
Location: Florida
18,290 posts, read 18,533,242 times
Reputation: 20965
I would have to (gently) ask you why?
Are you sort of punishing him for seeming to be mercenary/un-sentimental about these objects?Wanting them because they are useful rather than strictly as a rememberence?
Do you use them?
Unlike giving his clothes to a thrift store, these are things that will stay in the family and probably will have sentimental as well as a useful purpose.
Letting him have them may be a good start on beginning your new life.
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