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Old 07-12-2012, 08:28 PM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
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being anyone's favorite is only punishment, not a good thing like so many would think..all you do by having favorites is making that person the black sheep..I saw it in my ex's families, it's something everyone takes with them for the rest of their lives and the resentment runs very deep. But having said that...
Legally you should be able to see your mother, get info on local laws..lawyers, cops, etc,...definitly cops, let them call the cops at the hospital, just don't get arrested! they'll give you info when they arrive.
I wouldn't let it go just like that without a struggle. But like has been said before by other posters, what's going on there? We only have one side of the story... most siblings bury the hatchet temporarily when the mother or dad is dying, are they all gathered in unison and taking Bob's side?... by now they're all adults and should see being the favorite is a curse, not a blessing
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Old 07-13-2012, 08:30 AM
 
Location: West Michigan
12,215 posts, read 7,340,869 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaggieZ View Post
being anyone's favorite is only punishment, not a good thing like so many would think..all you do by having favorites is making that person the black sheep..I saw it in my ex's families, it's something everyone takes with them for the rest of their lives and the resentment runs very deep. But having said that...
Legally you should be able to see your mother, get info on local laws..lawyers, cops, etc,...definitly cops, let them call the cops at the hospital, just don't get arrested! they'll give you info when they arrive.
I wouldn't let it go just like that without a struggle. But like has been said before by other posters, what's going on there? We only have one side of the story... most siblings bury the hatchet temporarily when the mother or dad is dying, are they all gathered in unison and taking Bob's side?... by now they're all adults and should see being the favorite is a curse, not a blessing
No, the legal cards are all in her step-father's hands. The OP's situation isn't really that unusual. It happens all the time and nursing homes and hospitals reinforce the patient's appointed power of attorney wishes because it IS the law. The step father must have the legal grounds (power of attorney over her mother) or the nursing home wouldn't/couldn't be banning the daughter based on his say-so if he didn't have it. These are not causal decisions on their part. They are going to follow the law.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
It's draining for me that my detestation of Bob and what he's doing is almost as overwhelming as the grief I feel for my mother. I have to find a way to displace this anger, if that's possible. Maybe time does heal all wounds. I sure do hope so.
Yes, you do need to find away to displace your anger. Have you tried writing letters? One to your mother of all the things you'd say if you could see her and one to yourself of all things that got you into a situation where you're banned from seeing your mom on her death bed. You could try mailing the 1st one to your mom or asking someone at the nursing home to read it to her. The second letter---if you're totally honest with yourself in writing it---could be very cathartic in letting go of some of your bitterness.

No matter what you do, you also need to remember that if you are/were as close to your mom as you say then she KNOWS that you love her and grieve for her. She KNOWS what's in your heart. She also knows your siblings and her husband's heart, too, and if she's aware you're not around then she knows exactly why they'd keep you away and that you'd be there if you could. I'm so sorry this is happening in your life but you can make peace with the situation with a lot of soul searching and time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
Sam, thank you.

And Redwolf, thanks so much for your words of kindnes. Sure, there are inevitably "two sides to any story." Can you come up with a scenario where being kept from your mother's death bed is justified? I'm sure we're all ears.

And thank you to all who offered suggestions and options. Very much appreciated.
Yes. One scenario would be if it would create so much drama for the patient that it would add a lot a lot of stress to an already stressful situation. Another would be if the person who is insisting on seeing the patient is there for the wrong reasons....like wanting to extract death bed promises, apologies or force admissions of guilt for things in the past---or to make their own dramatic confessions to the patient. Of course, if the patient picked (or was appointed) a power of attorney who is self-serving and can't see past his/her own shoelaces to do the right thing then you're screwed if you're just an average person with no hidden agenda trying to get in for a visit.

Last edited by Wayland Woman; 07-13-2012 at 08:51 AM..
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Old 07-13-2012, 09:05 AM
 
Location: Kirkwood, DE and beautiful SXM!
12,054 posts, read 19,640,051 times
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I am very sorry that you are going through this, but situations like this are quite common. If your mother and/or step-father are or were affiliated with a church, I would contact their clergy and ask for help in this matter. If not, the facility probably has one. If your step-father has family who you know, maybe they could help, also.

Like everyone else has said, the facility is a private company and they must get permission from your mother's husband before allowing you in to see her. Good luck.
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Old 07-13-2012, 09:17 AM
 
2,996 posts, read 4,753,652 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
My mother has been suffering from Alzheimers for several years now and is now in Hospice care. Her time left is very limited. My mother married a man (Bob) I detest when I was grown up and away from home. For the past 20 years, this man has attempted to place every roadblock in the way of me seeing my mother. Still I saw her as often as I could, usually once a month at least. I was always her favorite child and we were extremely close for many years. I called her every day of my life until her deteriorating mental state rendered that impossible.

For the past 6 months my mom's husband, Bob, has barred me from visiting the assisted living facility where they live. He has arranged so that the front desk will not allow me to see my terminally ill mother. She is now basically on her death bed. My sister told me that Bob "doesn't want you at the deathbed or at the funeral and he will enforce that. You'd better stay away from here."

My siblings are useless in this matter and will not run interference for me. They all had jealousy issues because I was the favorite child and they were not. This still resonates negatively with them all.

My heartbreak and anguish is acute. There's no point in phoning because he never picks up the phone and screens all calls. Now I know my mother will die and I will never get a chance to say goodbye to her.

I try not to hate anyone, but the anger and rage I have against Bob is acute, I can't stop thinking of this. I can't imagine keeping a child away from the deathbed of a parent. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? Thanks in advance.
mod snip This is such a drastic step for Bob to take and it would be good to hear his side of the story to perhaps gain greater knowledge and understanding of where he is coming from . Perhaps he is acting correctly if the issue is a major one that has harmed your mom in the past, or, perhaps he is acting in a very nasty way without justification. But its hard to believe that hes going to this length for something that you may consider relatively minor.

What you might want to consider is to make a short video of yourself talking to your mom and expressing your love for her, then have someone at the bedside play it back to your mom. She may even be at the point of incoherency in any case. Either this, or, take much more aggressiveness by contacting the Police Dept. to see if they are in a position to get you in to see your mom in person while supervised by a Policeman.

Last edited by Sam I Am; 07-14-2012 at 03:56 AM.. Reason: Op is asking for help, not speculative judgement
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Old 07-13-2012, 09:54 AM
 
Location: FL
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That's horrible. A lawyer saying they can't do anything is another way of saying "there's no money in it for me". I would first try to attack the legality of the document and if your mother was lucid when she signed it. it's interesting that you've been escorted twice off the property, but yet you have'nt recieved a tresspassing warning or an injunction for no -contact. Don't understand how Bob is home but yet he's there all the time to look thru the peephole.

I, for the heck of it would befriend someone else in the nursing home and try and get on their visitors list, maybe even volunteer, some crafts or music, etc. and if your mom wished to particpate in a common area, that should be up to her. One would also think that if she's coherent she would be able to add you to her visitors list.

I'd talk to the cops and even go to your County commisioner, state represenitives as well.
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Old 07-13-2012, 09:55 AM
 
Location: Prescott AZ
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I feel like Bob is trying to protect his wife from you. Why would he feel he has to do this?
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Old 07-13-2012, 10:03 AM
 
Location: FL
1,717 posts, read 2,501,979 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PhxBarb View Post
I feel like Bob is trying to protect his wife from you. Why would he feel he has to do this?
I doubt it, there's all kinds of elderly creeps out there that want daughters and sons out of the way so they can manipulate estates and wills to their advantage.
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Old 07-13-2012, 10:12 AM
 
29,988 posts, read 35,842,224 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
My mom has no immediate living family except her children. I am not close to my siblings except my brother and he is not planning on visiting my mother or attending her funeral. It is without doubt a dysfunctional family. It is not a "feeble excuse" that the siblings resent me bitterly and are gloating over the current situation. My sister indicated this precise feeling. In any event, that really is not the issue. Just accept the family is fractured and not a Brady Bunch situation. It's a sad situation but it is what it is.

Even if they told Bob that they demanded I get to see our mother, he has indicated he will forcibly not allow me into the room. The assisted care facility they live in has security downstairs and anyone not on the "permitted visitors" list can't go upstairs into the living area.
If your mother's husband has medical and legal power of attorney, there is likely nothing you can do about it. You might contact an attorney and find out if you can sue for visitation or get a court order allowing one supervised visitation so you can say your goodbyes to your mother. Not ideal but at least you will know if you have exhausted every option available

I can empathize as I was not allowed to see my father x 5 years by the last woman he married prior to his death. When he was diagnosed with Cancer he signed over all POA to her. Immediately following I was allowed no communication with my father. It was particularly difficult having been "Daddy's little girl" growing up.

It is my sincere hope that there is a special fire in Hades for people who stop the children (including adult children) from saying goodbye to a dying parent.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MaggieZ View Post
... most siblings bury the hatchet temporarily when the mother or dad is dying, are they all gathered in unison and taking Bob's side?... by now they're all adults and should see being the favorite is a curse, not a blessing
I think you'd be suprised at how many siblings actually use the opportunity to sharpen the hatchet.

Last edited by lifelongMOgal; 07-13-2012 at 10:21 AM..
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Old 07-13-2012, 10:15 AM
 
3,893 posts, read 9,360,820 times
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If someone asked Bob why he was keeping you from your mom, what might he say? Consider this, swallow your pride, and try countering his (real or imagined) objections to try and make a truce and gain access to your mom. Call from a number he doesn't recognize. He may be past listening, but I would try ANYTHING to see my mom in this situation. You're free to take it all back later, if you feel the need, but first things first. Get to Mom!

BTW, I like the police idea. If you're able to get past the front desk, ring the bell and stay out of the peephole view, you could get in the door. After that, he's free to call security and you're free to insist on police coming to assist you. Whether it works or not is anyone's guess, but surely you'd have a few minutes with your mom before they arrived. That might be enough for her to express her desire for you to stay, thus nullifying the security's authority and necessitating the police's involvement.

I am so sorry you are in this position. It's cruel beyond belief of him to do this.

Good luck!!
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Old 07-13-2012, 12:00 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,431 posts, read 18,139,040 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sgt. Buzzcut View Post
Don't understand how Bob is home but yet he's there all the time to look thru the peephole.
That troubled me yesterday too.
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