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Old 07-13-2012, 12:42 PM
 
Location: Asheville
1,162 posts, read 3,569,796 times
Reputation: 1199

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Ulysses, you can go down to the courthouse and ask for help to fill out the forms for a court order. This will be a family court situation, an emergency since your mother is apparently going to die soon, which once you fill out the forms, an emergency will allow a judge to review your papers and speak to you within just a few days. He may issue a court order to allow you one visit lasting X amount of time, and that you be accompanied by a policeman if a legal issue might be in play here. And he may also say no. So, I agree with a couple other ideas here.

The idea of phoning your Mom, you could ask a friend of your mother's or her physician to do this for you, and when the phone finally reaches your mother, you could then take the phone and speak with her for a short while. But if you call her, my advice is not to explain why you're not there in real life or anything else about the Bob situation. Just talk to her like you normally would and be uplifting, loving, and pleasant. Make it quick how much you love her straight away, because Bob may get wise if your mother speaks your name. Another possible recourse is to ask your brother, that you are on good terms with, to phone-conference with you a call to your Mom.

I also agree with the idea of writing a letter. Again, engage her friend or physician to hand-carry it to your mother only, and depending on her abilities, you can ask him to open it and give it to her to read, or read it to her if necessary. I do not think Bob is going to do something crazy like bother the physician. In fact, your letter carry person could even ask for a little privacy with your Mom. But it all depends on how willing the physician is or whomever you get. Some are very helpful; some not at all.

In the end, I think you should phone Bob, write, or ask the front desk to get Bob to come down to talk with you. You should explain very simply that you are his wife's daughter, you were her favorite child, and now that she may die, you are so sad and only want to say how much you love her in a brief visit. Ask him what his concerns are with a short visit to tell your mother that you love her. He'll either not reply to you and ignore the whole thing, or he may come clean with how come he won't let you do that. Then whatever his problem is, you can simply say, "Please do not let that come between a daughter wanting to simply tell her mother she loves her before she leaves this earth." Then request a visit again.

I also liked the idea presented here about talking to a minister. A minister could act as a go-between in some manner you should let him suggest, if you think it is safe for this preacher to do so. He may have been through this sort of thing before with other families. He may at least offer you some form of comfort if he knows he won't be able to handle the situation for you. And keep in mind, when your mother passes, she will know EVERYTHING that is going on, she will always be with you in spirit, and you can love her again the way it was. Death is the final equalizer. But I know, it took me 40 years to forgive myself for not being able to say goodbye to my childhood dog, it wasn't my fault but I felt so sorry for the dog, you see. Love is like that.
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Old 07-13-2012, 07:22 PM
 
483 posts, read 714,196 times
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Unhappy Good grief....

This is a heartbreaking situation. Unless you used to be violent towards your mother, there's no reason good enough why her husband should keep you from saying goodbye to the woman who carried you for nine months, nursed your wounds and cared for you. She is your flesh and blood, not him. Unfortunately, he is the next of kin and gets to make all of the decisions. At this point, I would reach out to Bob in whatever way that you can. If that doesn't work then reach out to the family member that would likely help you out the most, kiss their butts and do what you can there and if all else fails, talk to a nurse that works there and try to see if she can help you get in there for five minutes to say goodbye. Maybe wait in the parking lot after change of shift and talk to one of them. I'm not even sure if an attorney can do anything and even if they could, it would probably take longer than the time that she has left. I will pray for a favorable resolution to this.
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Old 07-13-2012, 08:12 PM
 
3,893 posts, read 9,364,169 times
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If hospice is involved, they can help. Sadly, they deal with family problems often. I also second the earlier suggestion that you go to your mom's church. Clergy are not only trained to counsel families, they might have considerable sway with Bob.
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Old 07-13-2012, 10:41 PM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,738 posts, read 6,176,360 times
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wow, I had no idea that siblings could be that cruel, what's it gonna hurt if the OP says goodbye to her mom? unless she was abusive in the past towards her? Can you tell I don't have sibling or a large family? I was totally naive to this type thing. I mean I know people can act like kids at any age and be cruel but at a time like that, life's too short to be nasty! I guess I'm not wired that way and would let bygones be bygones because what does it solve to hold on to grudges? Unless like I said, the OP tried to hurt the mom in some form or another in the past...but we can't assume that, we just don't know why Bob is how he is and why the rest is on his side
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Old 07-19-2012, 06:21 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,089 posts, read 6,631,349 times
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Just an update: My mother is within days of death. She is on morphine, comatose and in Hospice. Both of my brothers are physicians, only one is at her side.

No, I have never been "violent" towards my mother. I was as close to her as any two human beings can ever be. I am not some indigent Bozo, I'm a Professor, educated and a "decent" person. I have never used drugs, hurt anyone or commited a crime.

It amazes me that no one here seems to understand that many families are jealousy-ridden, dysfunctional and irrevoably fractured.

I was the youngest of four children. Youngest by 14 years. I was my parents favorite to an almost ludicrous degree. The siblings were/are manically jealous. That's the sum total of it.
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Old 07-19-2012, 06:30 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,438 posts, read 18,155,050 times
Reputation: 18824
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
Just an update: My mother is within days of death. She is on morphine, comatose and in Hospice. Both of my brothers are physicians, only one is at her side.

No, I have never been "violent" towards my mother. I was as close to her as any two human beings can ever be. I am not some indigent Bozo, I'm a Professor, educated and a "decent" person. I have never used drugs, hurt anyone or commited a crime.

It amazes me that no one here seems to understand that many families are jealousy-ridden, dysfunctional and irrevoably fractured.

I was the youngest of four children. Youngest by 14 years. I was my parents favorite to an almost ludicrous degree. The siblings were/are manically jealous. That's the sum total of it.
I'm afraid "most" of us are strangers to such dysfuntcion in a family, Ulysses. I am terribly sorry your siblings are making you "pay" for your parents' adoration. The only "comfort" I can offer is that once Momma dies, she will know what they all did to you to prevent you from seeing her and she wil not be pleased. They will pay for it in their afterlives.
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Old 07-19-2012, 06:43 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,830,509 times
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I have one sibling and he already knows how things are going to be after my Mother passes to the other side. He also knows I will not be attending her funeral and she knows it as well. The rest of my family is way too lunatic for me and I will not be the cause of a disrespectful scene at my Mother's funeral or burial. I will pay my respects after everything is over and everyone has gone about their business.

I seriously doubt there is any negotiating with Bob or your siblings since they seem adamant about not allowing you to be with your Mother even briefly. Perhaps you could talk to the brother who is by her side and he can tell your Mother that you wish you could be there however, you love her and will miss her, etc.
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Old 07-19-2012, 08:11 PM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,738 posts, read 6,176,360 times
Reputation: 4859
Sorry that we're not the understanding bunch here... we're just everyday people probably who have not experienced such crap. It's hard to even fathom how creepy and dysfunctional adults can be and how they can't see past their own jealousy.We're not accusing you of being violent or anything. We don't know you from Adam. We're only wondering why people would hold on to such jealousy.
Maybe, and you can be mad for me saying this, you should remember your mom as she was, not laying in a comatose state.Maybe you can find another way in your mind to say goodbye and let the rest of the family think they won. Anything you say to her, she won't be able to hear or see you anyway, she can't respond. Why torture yourself?
You have every right to see her but under these circumstances, it's more hell than anything else. At first I thought fight your way in there but now I think what's the use?
Like I say, everyone different so I understand this is important to you but life is weird sometimes and mostly not fair.
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Old 07-20-2012, 05:57 AM
 
Location: The Great State of Arkansas
5,981 posts, read 15,903,769 times
Reputation: 7531
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post

It amazes me that no one here seems to understand that many families are jealousy-ridden, dysfunctional and irrevoably fractured.
I understand, Ulysses - believe me, I do - and anyone who looks at the Nonromantic Relationship forum from time to time will understand as well.

Families are people - it doesn't matter whether you have the same blood or not. Selfishness, jealousy, greed, spitefulness - you see it all, and in magnificent proportions, at death and divorce. Old wounds from years ago seem reopened but now there's no parent to placate or referee.

Every family is dysfunctional in some way, I think, or could be perceived by another person as dysfunctional....and some are just way out there with their own band of wackadoodles leading the parade.
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Old 07-20-2012, 08:01 AM
 
3,893 posts, read 9,364,169 times
Reputation: 3042
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post

It amazes me that no one here seems to understand that many families are jealousy-ridden, dysfunctional and irrevoably fractured.
.
MANY of us here have been moved by your plight as we tried to help you find a way to reach your mom. I can't imagine the pain of your situation, but lashing out at those who have been supportive won't help.

I've never met the person who claims to have no dysfunction in their family.

I sincerely hope you find a way to say goodbye, but I feel sure your mom already knows how much you love her. I hope there is comfort for you in that. Blessings.
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