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Old 07-20-2012, 08:53 AM
 
11,686 posts, read 13,074,643 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
....It amazes me that no one here seems to understand that many families are jealousy-ridden, dysfunctional and irrevoably fractured.

I was the youngest of four children. Youngest by 14 years. I was my parents favorite to an almost ludicrous degree. The siblings were/are manically jealous. That's the sum total of it.
I think a good number of people probably do understand what might be going on, but there are others who have been luckier in their family relationships or, just as likely, are outright liars when it comes to admitting the nasty bits.

I was travelling thousands of miles away when my mother died (with whom I had had no relationship in twenty years), and I did not learn of her death until almost two weeks after the event. And, of course, after the funeral.

I have a first cousin, who, I am told, vowed she would never speak to me again because I was not at the funeral. The fact that I was four thousand miles away and didn't know about either event seems to have been irrelevant to her, even though she was told.

On the other hand, this same cousin, as I sat and listened to for years, has collected grievances toward family members for decades. Yes, she be that way. And that's that.

Unfortunately the extreme behavior you describe is not unfamiliar. I worked caring for terminally ill people for ten years as a volunteer. The wretched behavior I saw in sick rooms and at funerals and post-funeral gatherings was more unpleasant to witness than the deaths themselves. After seeing some families in action I knew death couldn't come fast enough for their near and dear, and they had said as much.
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Old 07-20-2012, 10:05 AM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,702 posts, read 21,750,727 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
Just an update: My mother is within days of death. She is on morphine, comatose and in Hospice. Both of my brothers are physicians, only one is at her side.

No, I have never been "violent" towards my mother. I was as close to her as any two human beings can ever be. I am not some indigent Bozo, I'm a Professor, educated and a "decent" person. I have never used drugs, hurt anyone or commited a crime.

It amazes me that no one here seems to understand that many families are jealousy-ridden, dysfunctional and irrevoably fractured.

I was the youngest of four children. Youngest by 14 years. I was my parents favorite to an almost ludicrous degree. The siblings were/are manically jealous. That's the sum total of it.
Some of us understand. I am, was, the fourth and favored child. Mom told me to keep brother out of his hospital room. When Dad was failing, I signed him, my brother, into CICU.

I was then supposed to block him from attending the funeral. I told her, politely, to take a hike.
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Old 07-21-2012, 09:29 AM
 
1,420 posts, read 4,447,256 times
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Have you reached out in a conciliatory way to Bob and anyone else who holds the keys to mom's bedside? Or has the situation been combative? If you haven't tried the former, this would be your last chance. It is very sad, and I do understand dysfunctional families. It does take two, however, to maintain a conflict, so if you can appease someone for yours and your mother's sakes (put aside your anger and disdain for Bob and siblings), maybe you could get to see your mother.
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Old 07-21-2012, 05:52 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,088 posts, read 6,627,609 times
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My mother died this morning at 2:15 am, so the question is now moot. She was in a coma the last 4 days and recognized no one. So this has made her passing "easier" (heavy quotations!) for me. I did not see her and Bob made it plain to my brother, who was present the last 7 days, that I was unwelcome.

It is what it is. I will write my mother a heartfelt letter and go to the funeral home before the services and place it in her casket.

I guess in a perfect world "it takes two to maintain a conflict." I emphatically dissent. Did Poland want a conflict with Germany in 1939? Did the US seek war with Japan in 1941? Did Holland want war with Germany in 1940?

The answer to all of these questions is a simple "no." War can be brought to bear on an innocent victim.

In my world, the last 21 years I was always polite to this miserable old bastard and he fought me tooth and nail. When you're up against a psychopath, you're not going to win.
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Old 07-21-2012, 05:58 PM
 
5,190 posts, read 3,783,297 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
My mother died this morning at 2:15 am, so the question is now moot. She was in a coma the last 4 days and recognized no one. So this has made her passing "easier" (heavy quotations!) for me. I did not see her and Bob made it plain to my brother, who was present the last 7 days, that I was unwelcome.

It is what it is. I will write my mother a heartfelt letter and go to the funeral home before the services and place it in her casket.

I guess in a perfect world "it takes two to maintain a conflict." I emphatically dissent. Did Poland want a conflict with Germany in 1939? Did the US seek war with Japan in 1941? Did Holland want war with Germany in 1940?

The answer to all of these questions is a simple "no." War can be brought to bear on an innocent victim.

In my world, the last 21 years I was always polite to this miserable old bastard and he fought me tooth and nail. When you're up against a psychopath, you're not going to win.

I am sorry for your loss. I believe you see people's true nature when someone dies. I hope that you find peace.
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Old 07-21-2012, 06:23 PM
 
Location: WA
604 posts, read 527,604 times
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I too, am so sorry for your lost, passing of your Mother. Perhaps you could do something you both enjoyed,
think of her, recall the wonderful memory of enjoying it together?

Again, was sadden to learn the lost of your Mom. In my prayers for comfort and peace.
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Old 07-21-2012, 06:41 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
14,294 posts, read 20,544,645 times
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I cannot imagine what you are going through not being able to say good-bye. Your mother knew you loved her very much. You tried, and let go of her knowing that in your heart. I am so sorry for your loss.
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Old 07-21-2012, 07:39 PM
 
Location: West Michigan
12,215 posts, read 7,343,646 times
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Ulysses, I hope in time you'll be able to make peace with all you've been through in the past few days. The letter tucked in your mom's casket sounds like a good start. So sorry for your loss.
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Old 07-21-2012, 07:50 PM
 
1,420 posts, read 4,447,256 times
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Ulysses, so very sorry for your loss. I hope you can find peace and comfort.
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Old 07-21-2012, 07:53 PM
 
Location: Kirkwood, DE and beautiful SXM!
12,054 posts, read 19,643,324 times
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My condolences on the passing of your mother. I hope that you can find peace and I hope that you have someone with whom you can confide in and help you through the healing process. I like your idea of a letter, but make sure that you put it somewhere that it will not be found by her husband, like under the pillow. In the end, your mother knew what type of man she married and I am certain that she knew why you were not there. She is now your guardian angel and will be with you always.
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