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Old 07-12-2012, 02:25 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,088 posts, read 6,627,609 times
Reputation: 7126

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My mother has been suffering from Alzheimers for several years now and is now in Hospice care. Her time left is very limited. My mother married a man (Bob) I detest when I was grown up and away from home. For the past 20 years, this man has attempted to place every roadblock in the way of me seeing my mother. Still I saw her as often as I could, usually once a month at least. I was always her favorite child and we were extremely close for many years. I called her every day of my life until her deteriorating mental state rendered that impossible.

For the past 6 months my mom's husband, Bob, has barred me from visiting the assisted living facility where they live. He has arranged so that the front desk will not allow me to see my terminally ill mother. She is now basically on her death bed. My sister told me that Bob "doesn't want you at the deathbed or at the funeral and he will enforce that. You'd better stay away from here."

My siblings are useless in this matter and will not run interference for me. They all had jealousy issues because I was the favorite child and they were not. This still resonates negatively with them all.

My heartbreak and anguish is acute. There's no point in phoning because he never picks up the phone and screens all calls. Now I know my mother will die and I will never get a chance to say goodbye to her.

I try not to hate anyone, but the anger and rage I have against Bob is acute, I can't stop thinking of this. I can't imagine keeping a child away from the deathbed of a parent. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? Thanks in advance.
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Old 07-12-2012, 02:33 PM
 
Location: Viña del Mar, Chile
16,416 posts, read 25,200,334 times
Reputation: 16464
My god that's horrible.

I thought that immediate family is legally allowed to visit and they can't keep you away though?
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Old 07-12-2012, 02:44 PM
 
Location: Prescott AZ
5,843 posts, read 8,426,202 times
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I don't understand why your sibs won't help you see your Mom. Don't you have a good relationship with any of them? If not, why? Just because you were the favored child, seems like a feeble excuse. Does your Mom have any sisters or brothers who will intercede for you? I just don't get it. Somehow I feel like I am missing something here...
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Old 07-12-2012, 02:56 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,088 posts, read 6,627,609 times
Reputation: 7126
My mom has no immediate living family except her children. I am not close to my siblings except my brother and he is not planning on visiting my mother or attending her funeral. It is without doubt a dysfunctional family. It is not a "feeble excuse" that the siblings resent me bitterly and are gloating over the current situation. My sister indicated this precise feeling. In any event, that really is not the issue. Just accept the family is fractured and not a Brady Bunch situation. It's a sad situation but it is what it is.

Even if they told Bob that they demanded I get to see our mother, he has indicated he will forcibly not allow me into the room. The assisted care facility they live in has security downstairs and anyone not on the "permitted visitors" list can't go upstairs into the living area.
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Old 07-12-2012, 03:04 PM
 
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I'm not going to blow smoke up your butt. Bob is your mom's spouse, as such he is first in line and first in authority over her. Unless you can show she is under duress or unduly being influanced based on some diminsihed mental capacity, there probably is nothing you can do. This is very VERY common because many families have no idea where they stand in the pecking order and assume something will be a certain way until it happens and they find themselves locked out.

Options? Not many. As mentioned all you can do is find someone who has the influance to change his thinking or who can reach your mom so she can state in her own words she wants to see you. Until she expreses her wishes, the legal spouse has control over the situation. The rest of the family stands in line. If you beleive something hinkey is afoot, contact your state agency for the elderly and see if they have a program that can assist. But this is only if he has exerted influance beyond what is normal for the circumstance, not just cause you can't visit or are no longer welcome.

best of luck.....
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Old 07-12-2012, 03:04 PM
 
848 posts, read 1,623,753 times
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Have you contacted a lawyer? It seems obvious you won't make headway with anyone in your immediate family.

On the other hand, if your mother has Alzheimers and has, by your own admission, a "deteriorating mental state," are you certain she would recognize you or be able to converse coherently?

It's a rotten life situation for which there may be no satisfactory answer, unfortunately. Make peace with yourself and try to find comfort in your memories.
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Old 07-12-2012, 03:12 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,088 posts, read 6,627,609 times
Reputation: 7126
Though she has Alzheimers, she is merely at the "confused" stage and still recognzes everyone and calls them by name.

Quote:
All you can do is find someone who has the influance to change his thinking or who can reach your mom so she can state in her own words she wants to see you. Until she expreses her wishes, the legal spouse has control over the situation.
Thank you, PacificFlights. I hadn't considered this angle previously. I didn't realize the spouse had such total control over this situation, I had assumed grown children would have an equal say.

Thanks to everyone for their suggestions and comments. Life can be brutally hard sometimes, we just have to find a way to get through it without being emotionally destroyed.
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Old 07-12-2012, 03:12 PM
 
28,906 posts, read 45,202,743 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
My mother has been suffering from Alzheimers for several years now and is now in Hospice care. Her time left is very limited. My mother married a man (Bob) I detest when I was grown up and away from home. For the past 20 years, this man has attempted to place every roadblock in the way of me seeing my mother. Still I saw her as often as I could, usually once a month at least. I was always her favorite child and we were extremely close for many years. I called her every day of my life until her deteriorating mental state rendered that impossible.

For the past 6 months my mom's husband, Bob, has barred me from visiting the assisted living facility where they live. He has arranged so that the front desk will not allow me to see my terminally ill mother. She is now basically on her death bed. My sister told me that Bob "doesn't want you at the deathbed or at the funeral and he will enforce that. You'd better stay away from here."

My siblings are useless in this matter and will not run interference for me. They all had jealousy issues because I was the favorite child and they were not. This still resonates negatively with them all.

My heartbreak and anguish is acute. There's no point in phoning because he never picks up the phone and screens all calls. Now I know my mother will die and I will never get a chance to say goodbye to her.

I try not to hate anyone, but the anger and rage I have against Bob is acute, I can't stop thinking of this. I can't imagine keeping a child away from the deathbed of a parent. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? Thanks in advance.
Get a lawyer. And fast. What's more, I'd tell the person at the desk that nobody's going to keep you away from seeing your mother and walk on past.
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Old 07-12-2012, 03:28 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,088 posts, read 6,627,609 times
Reputation: 7126
My husband had a consultation with an attorney 3 days ago. He essentially said that in the state of California you cannot physically force oneself into a deathbed situation unless it's a hospital. Then a physician or nurse can sometimes (not always) intervene.

However, a convalescent home or assisted care facility is private property with their own Security and their own rules. I have tried to visit my mother earlier this year on two occasions. Bob had specifically told them I was not to come up and both times, Security escorted me out of the building and actually walked me to my car. The attorney said they have the right to do this, however humiliating that was. Their authority ends once the confines of the parking lot and building are exceeded.

In any event, even if I snuck past the front desk and security, Bob would not answer the door. There is a peep hole in the door to their room.
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Old 07-12-2012, 03:39 PM
 
12,422 posts, read 14,553,508 times
Reputation: 14112
Is Bob always home?
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