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Old 07-30-2012, 08:46 PM
 
Location: Philaburbia
31,193 posts, read 57,331,348 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Granny Sue View Post
"Sorry for your loss" and "I'm sorry someone lost their "relative or friend"" is normal for me to say.
Why not just leave it at that?
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Old 07-31-2012, 06:17 AM
 
Location: Orlando
8,181 posts, read 16,163,188 times
Reputation: 49735
Quote:
Originally Posted by WFW&P View Post
Is this how the conversations start? If I were in your position I would make no mention of the passing(s) unless the other person brought it up. From there you can keep it short sweet, i.e; if they say "that's too bad" you can just nodd in agreement.
From the context of the OP you sound a bit of a blabber mouth yourself.
lol...it's a good thing I've been around this forum as long as I have or I'd probably take that personally.

So let's straighten something out. Never in a million years would I say anything negative about a person who passed away to someone who is grieving. I probably wouldn't say anything negative at all to anyone unless pressed and then it would have to be someone who shared the same history with that person as I did.

I was just using those three as an example of why it might be difficult to "not speak ill of the dead".

I thought it would be a good conversation starter for suggestions for what people could say should YOU also be placed in the same situation.

"Sorry for your loss" is a good one.
"I'm sure such and such is missing his/her (fill in the blank)" is another.
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Old 07-31-2012, 07:07 AM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,178 posts, read 14,264,444 times
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Actually, GrannySue, I was expecting one of you younguns to take umbrage at being called old for approaching or being in your 40s.

I suppose that makes me ancient! and I'm not even truly old.
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Old 07-31-2012, 10:51 AM
 
Location: Orlando
8,181 posts, read 16,163,188 times
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lol Annie.....I've got a thick skin and with a name like "Granny" Sue I kinda expect it.

I'm 50 btw....half young/half old....depending on the weather and my mood.
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Old 07-31-2012, 04:48 PM
 
5,683 posts, read 8,882,901 times
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I like the suggestion of turning the focus toward the living rather than on the departed. "How are you holding up since she passed away?" would be one thing I might say. "Do you need to vent/talk/get away from it all?" might be another. Or simply "I am sure you must be going through a lot right now, is there anything I can do to help?"

I don't think it's necessary to speak well of someone simply because they're dead, though I, too, grew up with the injunction never to speak ill of the dead. But turning the conversation back to the needs of the living serves the purpose of acknowledging that the person lived, that their death had an impact (on others if not on you) and expressing concern for those left behind and presumably mourning.

ETA - if talking with a person who hadn't heard yet that the individual had died, I would probably simply say "she passed away earlier this month" and leave it at that. Most of the people I know would then immediately ask for all sorts of details (I hang with a rather morbid crowd), and I'd likely respond to that by saying "I'm sorry, I don't really know the circumstances of her death." I still wouldn't follow that up by a panegyric about them; just the facts, and move on.

Sue, if you'd like me to move this over to the Grief & Mourning forum, just say the word. I could make a case for leaving it here or moving it there - the conversation would be interesting in either place, though you might get a different perspective in the other forum. Just let me know.
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Old 07-31-2012, 05:22 PM
 
455 posts, read 487,256 times
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I thought I might leave this thread alone but something else stuck out to me and perhaps I'm confused........I will be forty in 2 months so I'm not a teeny-bopper by any means.

"was of the devil, I swear"

"wrote off her ex husbands nieces and nephews and then whined..." (emphasis mine)

"gossip was her middle name"

is not an example of speaking with grace or anything that sounds nice, or even considerate of a person unable to defend themselves and of a person who no longer resides in this life.

Well, I digress, I'm not really confused by anything except, perhaps, that if those phrases and the words/language that proceed and follow are not ill-speaking then what is ill-speaking?
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Old 08-01-2012, 01:09 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,439 posts, read 18,159,189 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tell-the-Truth View Post
I thought I might leave this thread alone but something else stuck out to me and perhaps I'm confused........I will be forty in 2 months so I'm not a teeny-bopper by any means.

"was of the devil, I swear"

"wrote off her ex husbands nieces and nephews and then whined..." (emphasis mine)

"gossip was her middle name"

is not an example of speaking with grace or anything that sounds nice, or even considerate of a person unable to defend themselves and of a person who no longer resides in this life.

Well, I digress, I'm not really confused by anything except, perhaps, that if those phrases and the words/language that proceed and follow are not ill-speaking then what is ill-speaking?
I think we all think of "speaking ill of the dead" refers to in actuality. In real life. Not here in an annonymous death forum. Here we can speak all the "ill" we want of someone who has passed if that's your cup of tea.
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Old 08-01-2012, 01:27 PM
 
679 posts, read 999,422 times
Reputation: 1096
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tell-the-Truth View Post
I thought I might leave this thread alone but something else stuck out to me and perhaps I'm confused........I will be forty in 2 months so I'm not a teeny-bopper by any means.

"was of the devil, I swear"

"wrote off her ex husbands nieces and nephews and then whined..." (emphasis mine)

"gossip was her middle name"

is not an example of speaking with grace or anything that sounds nice, or even considerate of a person unable to defend themselves and of a person who no longer resides in this life.

Well, I digress, I'm not really confused by anything except, perhaps, that if those phrases and the words/language that proceed and follow are not ill-speaking then what is ill-speaking?

There's a huge difference between saying it in a forum asking for advice on how to deal with it and saying it to people who know the deceased.

Truth of the matter is death doesn't make anyone a saint or a better person. Some people are miserable people. I know a woman who's last words were actually, "where the f*** is my mac & cheese" to a couple who routinely did grocery shopping for her because she had trouble getting around and didn't have a car. They would do her shopping with their own and drop it off to her. I didn't know her well enough to go to the wake/funeral and if I had, I certainly wouldn't have made reference to her last words to her survivors. But the people who did know her and found her to be demanding during her life did talk about it amongst themselves, which is how I heard about it.

If people don't want anyone ever saying anything bad about them after their deaths, maybe they should treat people well while they're still alive.
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Old 08-01-2012, 02:03 PM
 
Location: Arizona
1,206 posts, read 2,095,491 times
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I would probably say something like, "we weren't close, but my condolences to her family and friends" or "we didn't know eachother well, but my thoughts and prayers go to her family and friends"
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Old 08-01-2012, 02:27 PM
 
4,940 posts, read 4,646,736 times
Reputation: 9189
I don't have any suggestions for you, but the situation has reminded me of something I saw in the "National Lampoon".


It was an advertising display for "Vilemark Cards", whose slogan was, "When you barely care enough to waste your spit on a stamp."

The cards had messages such as:

"Good riddance!"

"He owed me money!"

"Hope he's enjoying the heat."
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