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Old 08-09-2012, 07:14 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,089 posts, read 6,643,375 times
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Quote:
I am baffled when individuals hide death from natural causes. What it says to me is that they have very bizarre phobias attached to certain diseases.

Stupidity and shame can take strange turns in the human mind.
Unbelievable, truly. So someone who deals with death differently that how you would deal with it exhibits "stupidity and shame?" It's not your business or my business or ANYONE'S business how they deal with a loss or how they tell others about it. When I was in High School, I had a close friend with died of testicular cancer. His parents chose to tell everyone he passed away from cancer of the kidney. Did they have "very bizarre phobias attached to certain diseases," are you claim? Who are you to judge anyone in how they deal with death? No one has that right.
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Old 08-09-2012, 09:38 PM
 
Location: West Michigan
12,256 posts, read 7,364,974 times
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Perhaps it wasn't so much a lie as it was a misunderstanding of the actual cause of death. Some people have trouble absorbing facts, especially if they were trying to learn those facts when they were really stressed out. Once some people get the wrong information storage in their heads, it's hard to accept otherwise when corrected.
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Old 08-09-2012, 09:59 PM
 
1,470 posts, read 1,619,097 times
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Don't know, I'm kind of torn on this. You already went so far as to arrange phone calls and funerals/cremations and everything, but you won't talk about what exactly killed the person? Sounds funny to me.

Anyway, just "cancer" should be enough. Most people don't get that detailed, on the other hand.
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Old 08-09-2012, 10:31 PM
 
Location: WA
604 posts, read 529,094 times
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For the obituary in the paper for my husband, I choose to write, first, he moved to his eteranl home to live forever with his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. His life I wrote about, where and when the Celebration of Life would be and where donations could be sent in lieu of flowers.

At Bruce's Celebration of Life, folks mentioned how Bruce talked about lots of things, about how the great things his neighbors did for him, accomplishments of other people, quietly, if asked, his faith. He rarely talked about himself, his life before we moved to the Olympic Peninsula, WA, 18 years ago.

Each of us have a way of coping. For myself, I choose to remember the many wonderful years we enjoyed as husband and wife, including the "extra" bonus years-25 years almost to the day, when Bruce was injured on the job---long story.

Do not recall anyone asking how Bruce died or what disease. Remember, someone told me to say one of three things, when confronted in an unfortunate situation or all three!

1. I am sorry.
2. I will pray for you.
3. I love you.

Have you ever shared a story and someone had to butt in and tell it the "right" way, how did you feel? Appreciate
you desire to let the whole truth and nothing but the truth be known, though the listeners hearing the story from the
grieving folks, a lot know, they are hurting and only sharing what they can.

Bless I have been, by folks being kind, just listening to me share what I can; the grief can be overwhelming at times.
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Old 08-10-2012, 02:03 AM
 
3,647 posts, read 9,325,516 times
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I think it's okay to close this thread moderators... no one is really read my OP or is answering it.

Last edited by sskkc; 08-10-2012 at 02:26 AM..
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Old 08-10-2012, 02:27 AM
 
Location: Lexington, Kentucky
6,295 posts, read 3,591,915 times
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I am not trying to judge you, but I don't understand why this would bother you so much.
Maybe they during the emotional grief just misunderstood the exact reason for death.
But the person is dead now, is the exact cause really necessary for anyone to know?
(if they were really close they already would know).
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Old 08-10-2012, 02:54 AM
 
Location: The Great State of Arkansas
5,981 posts, read 15,921,484 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sskkc View Post
I think it's okay to close this thread moderators... no one is really read my OP or is answering it.
SSKKC -

I think people ARE answering you. The concensus of opinion seems to be "why does it matter?".

Why is your stepsister walking for cervical cancer rather than peritoneal cancer? Maybe because there's no walk for that. Maybe because cervical cancer is more widely known. Maybe she needs to attach herself to a cause and do a good work to feel better. Maybe it isn't a lie at all - perhaps she is truly confused about the disease process that took her mother's life. Actually, peritoneal cancer usually mimics ovarian cancer...and ovarian and cervical cancer are way two different cancers in two separate structures within the body. Could it possibly be that there's a little anatomical confusion for her? I have been in the medical community - I happen to know the difference by virtue of my former employment - but you'd be surprised at the number of people who don't know the ovaries and the cervix are not the same thing. Yes, her mother's cancer was actually in the abdomen - but you know, some people just take the first thing they hear and run with it. Since it was only 2 months from diagnosis until her mother's passing she may just be seriously confused.

Your stepsister is walking for a good cause and is coping in her own way - I wouldn't dissect her motives very much, just let it be. I would very gently ask if there's something else in the way between you two that this has become a point of contention in your mind. I do understand that you want things to be "right" - and I also understand you can only state the facts as you know them to be and let it rest after that. It's truly not worth dwelling on or confronting.
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Old 08-10-2012, 06:46 AM
 
11,686 posts, read 13,118,377 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
Unbelievable, truly. So someone who deals with death differently that how you would deal with it exhibits "stupidity and shame?" It's not your business or my business or ANYONE'S business how they deal with a loss or how they tell others about it. When I was in High School, I had a close friend with died of testicular cancer. His parents chose to tell everyone he passed away from cancer of the kidney. Did they have "very bizarre phobias attached to certain diseases," are you claim? Who are you to judge anyone in how they deal with death? No one has that right.
You are quite right that it is nobody's business if a family chooses to tell a different story.

But, I do think it is "stupidity and shame" that makes people change a cause of death because it occurs in a part of the body that makes them sqwicky. In that case, why not simply say "cancer."

Sorry about your anger, but it doesn't change my thoughts on the topic.
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Old 08-10-2012, 06:55 AM
 
Location: North Beach, MD on the Chesapeake
32,173 posts, read 39,311,449 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sskkc View Post
I think it's okay to close this thread moderators... no one is really read my OP or is answering it.

Your question has been answered, you just don't like the answers.


Peritoneal cancer? No one's heard of it but they have cervical cancer, that may be why.

As far as listing an "incorrect" cause of death? Sometimes, just because. This will now get political but think back to the 80's and people dying of AIDS. An awful lot of those obituaries listed pneumonia or another illness as cause of death. Which was technically true.
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Old 08-10-2012, 07:10 AM
 
3,647 posts, read 9,325,516 times
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Okay, I tried to do the mature thing.

Here it is - I just want to UNDERSTAND them. I am not judging them, certainly not the way you all are judging me. I lost those people from my life too, experienced each step of their illnesses, right along with my loved ones. What I don't get it WHY they would lie.

With dad and my best friend, they surprised a "You meant yadayadayada" out of me, and their response was immediate, attacking (like y'all) and aggressive. It never occurred to me to ask my stepsister why she is lying.

Funny you should mention the pneumonia/AIDS thing - that is what her father died from, and what she says. I did not need that explained to me.

Peritoneal is a cancer of the sack surrounding your abdomen, by the way.

My question again, for those who missed it the FIRST TIME is

Anyone have some words of wisdom to help me understand?

I get it - when someone you know is hurting and tells a lie, you confront them, which is why you ASSUME I would as well, even though what I am looking for is some insight that will allow me to understand their grieving process. It bothers me only because I could not understand why someone would lie - as a loving person, I try to understand others, not just judge them and make false assumptions not based in fact, after not reading an entire OP. Of course, after posting this and seeing how "helpful" y'all were (and thanks for the rep, from an anonymous poster who wanted to make sure they got THEIR dig in, just in case I didn't return to see that none of you still can comprehend my OP) I went to real life folks (who know the three people I mentioned). They all said the same thing basically.

1) If your mother died of Peritoneal cancer, but you never bothered to find out that Peritoneal cancer has NOTHING to do with the cervix or female reproductive organs, even though it's often misdiagnosed as Cervical cancer, you might just be speaking from ignorance.

2) Attention. If you're relating a story about what an alcoholic your friend "Paul" is, and what a bad a$$ he was, a better ending to that story is that he died from cirrhosis at 43 vs pneumonia.

3) When retelling the story of why it's so important to take care of yourself physically and eat right, telling everyone you have to be MORE careful than others because your brother died so young (something which you can prevent) has more impact than telling them it was cancer.

4) If the Walk a thon is specifically for children/families affected by CERVICAL cancer, you might not get the attention you crave for your mother's death if she died from something else. )#2)

Pretty much all the reasons were centered around their need for attention. I thought it was some strange way of denying what happened. But I guess I'll listen to people who heard my question, not supposed I was asking another, ala Sam I Am "Why does it Matter?"

I have answered that. It matters because I wanted to better understand THEIR grief process. I guess there are only a few others here who share that desire to help others.

Last edited by sskkc; 08-10-2012 at 07:30 AM..
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