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Old 01-17-2013, 10:22 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,588 posts, read 18,230,863 times
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I am so pleased to hear you being more "chipper" today, CA. I have gone through this pain many times in my life. I was worried about you when this time came and am so glad it didn't push you over any edge. You are one heck of a strong woman and getting stronger.

HUGS,
~tami~
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Old 01-17-2013, 11:58 AM
 
Location: Native Floridian, USA
4,896 posts, read 5,886,532 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Thanks to everyone for caring. It means a lot...I feel more sane now. At first I went through a pretty "bad storm." (I cried and cried and felt like my heart was breaking into zillions of pieces and could never be repaired.)...I got it all out of my system. (For now anyway.) And I feel a whole lot better today...I'm definitely entering a new chapter of my life and I can't turn back the clock and act like everything is the "same." (When it's not.)...Anyway thanks for caring. I'm doing better now.. The "horrendous storm" has passed and I "survived." To be honest I worried about how I would react if and when Silky died...Would it be too much for me? Could I handle so many losses? Would I literally "lose my mind" and "crack-up?"...But I made it through the "worst" of the "storm" and I think I will be okay..I know I still have tears left to cry and feelings left to "feel" when it comes to losing everyone..But I don't think I'm going to "drown" in any of the "storms." And this gives me hope!
This post gave me hope, too. It has been a difficult year. You are working hard at this and I admire you for trying to take control....it is hard. As we know, there will be good days and bad days but try and remember that when the bad days surface and that they won't last forever. Good luck in your journey. I am always available for a chat.
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Old 01-17-2013, 05:59 PM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 406,891 times
Reputation: 704
CA, I see why you were able to reach out to smilin and be such an influence for her. You are a very strong and caring person; we are so lucky to have you here. You are an inspriation to us all.

Take good care of yourself, and glad you are a little better today.

tngirl
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Old 01-19-2013, 07:01 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,191,177 times
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Thanks for your support and caring posts...I learned a lot from Silky...He kept pushing himself to stick around as long as he could..He didn't really want to leave or die but his little body just "wore-out" and he reached the point where it was impossible for him to go on any longer.. Neither one of us (or the vet) had the power to "fix" Silky so he wouldn't have to die..It was his time to go. But it was plain to see that he tried his best to prolong his life...This is what my husband and son did too. They didn't want to leave or die either and they "fought hard" to stick around as long as they could...I have more peace and acceptance about death now. (In general.)..Silky really helped me open-up my eyes and see things more clearly...Our bodies just "wear-out" at some point and we don't have the power to "fix ourselves" or "fix others" or "skirt" or "cheat death."...It's nobody's fault. Our bodies weren't designed to last forever. And we all have our very own destiny and "timetable" when it comes to life and death...Anyway nobody really wants to leave. Silky sure didn't want to leave...I think we just have to step-out of our "worn-out" bodies at some point and travel to a "higher plane" where we can we can become whole and complete again and rejuvenated...How do you feel about it? I know that Silky and my husband and sons "feel better" now. They aren't suffering anymore.. And I know they will always be with me in spirit.
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Old 01-19-2013, 09:08 AM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 406,891 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Thanks for your support and caring posts...I learned a lot from Silky...He kept pushing himself to stick around as long as he could..He didn't really want to leave or die but his little body just "wore-out" and he reached the point where it was impossible for him to go on any longer.. Neither one of us (or the vet) had the power to "fix" Silky so he wouldn't have to die..It was his time to go. But it was plain to see that he tried his best to prolong his life...This is what my husband and son did too. They didn't want to leave or die either and they "fought hard" to stick around as long as they could...I have more peace and acceptance about death now. (In general.)..Silky really helped me open-up my eyes and see things more clearly...Our bodies just "wear-out" at some point and we don't have the power to "fix ourselves" or "fix others" or "skirt" or "cheat death."...It's nobody's fault. Our bodies weren't designed to last forever. And we all have our very own destiny and "timetable" when it comes to life and death...Anyway nobody really wants to leave. Silky sure didn't want to leave...I think we just have to step-out of our "worn-out" bodies at some point and travel to a "higher plane" where we can we can become whole and complete again and rejuvenated...How do you feel about it? I know that Silky and my husband and sons "feel better" now. They aren't suffering anymore.. And I know they will always be with me in spirit.
Oh CA, you have come such a long way, just like smilin! You are now able to comfort us all as well as yourself, and share your wonderful insights. I have seen this develop over the last few months, and I am so happy for you. You seem to have a peace now about death that gives us all that same perspective and comfort.

I agree with you 100% about our bodies wearing out. It was the same with Jim. I know the end was coming, he knew it was coming, we just didn't know when. And the same with Rudy, our beloved dachshund. He struggled to breathe (tumor in his chest) but finally could not any more, and we had him put to sleep.

I am a firm believer in the Rainbow Bridge. It is a peaceful, beautiful place outside the gates of Heaven, where all our little beloved pets go, waiting for us until it is our time to enter Heaven. There is no pain, only health and happiness. Rudy is waiting for me, until it is my time. Then we can all be reunited once again. (I am crying as I'm writing this because I miss them so much). Why, I bet Rudy is licking Silky all over, his own little "welcome committee" to the Bridge.

I am a better person for having known Rudy, who was truly all about unconditional love. Just like his dad.

tngirl
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Old 01-19-2013, 10:00 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,191,177 times
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tngirl...Thanks for telling me about the "Rainbow Bridge." It sounds like such a beautiful place!...Sorry you lost Jim and Rudy too...I know our loved ones don't want us to suffer and suffer and "die-off" (too) when we're still suppose to be "alive" here on earth...Nobody wants to see anyone suffer. And our loved ones don't really want to say "goodbye" or leave us...It just takes time to grieve and get used to living without our loved ones. It takes time to be able to "start over."...At one time we had an entire "cat family." My husband and I adopted our neighbor's pregnant cat in 1997. We planned to have her spayed and find good homes for her 4 cute kittens...But we just couldn't part with any of them. So we had the whole family spayed and neutered and kept everyone...Now Silky is with his twin sister and mom and brother who passed away ahead of him...I have one brother left and my son's cat..And me!..More coming in another post!
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Old 01-19-2013, 10:37 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,191,177 times
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If it's okay I'd like to talk about the loss of our caretaker roles when our loved ones pass away..I didn't realize how much I kept my eyes on Silky until now...Awhile back ago Silky developed hernia pockets. Sometimes his "poop" got stuck and lodged in the hernia pockets...When this happened I took him to the vet and they helped him get the "poop" out..Sometimes he could go quite awhile without having any problems. But at other times he got "plugged" more often...He was a "happy camper" and "young at heart" when he wasn't "plugged."...Anyway I kept my eyes on Silky due to his hernia problem. And over the past few months I watched him even more because of other problems...Now that Silky is gone I'm not a caretaker anymore. The other two cats don't have health problems...I have more free time in other words. And I don't have to keep my eyes or focus on anyone...It's a big change. And a "loss" of sorts too. I'm not playing "nurse" to Silky or anyone anymore...Has anyone else gone through any of this? Sort of a loss of identity after being a caretaker for years..First it was my husband and then my son and then Silky for me...I look after the other cats but it's not the same as being a caretaker or "nurse" like I was with Silky. I don't have to keep my eyes "glued" to them and I can relax more...But this means that I don't have any excuses left anymore and I have to start thinking about my future and what I might want for myself before too long.
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Old 01-19-2013, 11:16 AM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 406,891 times
Reputation: 704
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
If it's okay I'd like to talk about the loss of our caretaker roles when our loved ones pass away..I didn't realize how much I kept my eyes on Silky until now...Awhile back ago Silky developed hernia pockets. Sometimes his "poop" got stuck and lodged in the hernia pockets...When this happened I took him to the vet and they helped him get the "poop" out..Sometimes he could go quite awhile without having any problems. But at other times he got "plugged" more often...He was a "happy camper" and "young at heart" when he wasn't "plugged."...Anyway I kept my eyes on Silky due to his hernia problem. And over the past few months I watched him even more because of other problems...Now that Silky is gone I'm not a caretaker anymore. The other two cats don't have health problems...I have more free time in other words. And I don't have to keep my eyes or focus on anyone...It's a big change. And a "loss" of sorts too. I'm not playing "nurse" to Silky or anyone anymore...Has anyone else gone through any of this? Sort of a loss of identity after being a caretaker for years..First it was my husband and then my son and then Silky for me...I look after the other cats but it's not the same as being a caretaker or "nurse" like I was with Silky. I don't have to keep my eyes "glued" to them and I can relax more...But this means that I don't have any excuses left anymore and I have to start thinking about my future and what I might want for myself before too long.
You and I have SO MUCH in common!! I know exactly what you are talking about in the loss of our caretaker roles. Exactly!!

I was the caregiver to Jim. I worked part-time (30 hrs per week...still do), came home at 2 and my role as caretaker took over. It's almost like my job was my "escape." A few hours without having to take care of him. Of course, I fixed his breakfast, made his lunch, coffee in his thermos....before going to work. He was able to sit up on the side of the bed and eat; we had a little fridge and microwave right there within arms reach.

I don't mean to sound like I was a saint or anything, but I did everything....around the house, mowed the yards, grocery shopping, taking him to the doctor; we did have a housekeeper, thank God; but everything else rested on my shoulders. I was always there as he needed something. I gladly did all that for him out of my love for him.

Now that he is gone, it's like my life stopped dead in its tracks. I am no longer needed as a caregiver. No longer needed. For 6 years I put my life on hold to take care of him. I didn't buy myself much of anything, didn't go out to eat, didn't do anything with a friend. Now, everything has changed. For a while, I felt "guilty" in a way that I was relieved not to have to be that caregiver. Can you understand that? I never looked forward to NOT being his caregiver.....but after the time came, I found out that it was nice not to have to do it. I don't know, it's hard to explain, but hopefully you can understand what I am trying to say.

I now have bought myself a few new clothes (not too many, because I am still losing weight), and find myself daydreaming about things I want to do and places I want to go. It's like now I can think about ME. It is still a little overwhelming to go from 32 years of living with your "rock" to now being alone and thinking about a future on my own. I still miss having someone to do things with. I am not interested in marriage or love again, but I do hope I can find a male friend to go do things with....just as friends. I do have 2 girlfriends that like to go out and shop and eat, maybe a play.....and that is nice.

I'm curious and open to what the future has in store for me. I know that when the time is right, God will direct my future in the way I am supposed to go. I have faith that things will work out like they are supposed to.

Take good care of yourself CA on this new journey; glad we can be there for each other along the way.

tngirl
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Old 01-20-2013, 06:36 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,191,177 times
Reputation: 3514
tngirl...Thanks for posting. (And relating how you lovingly took care of Jim for so many years.)...Good luck with your new life now. Good luck to all of us as we venture into the "unknown" and head down new "paths" when the time is right..I don't want to rush into new relationships (or situations) just to avoid being alone...But I don't want to "get stuck" or end-up "stagnating" either. (Where I sit on the "sidelines" of life forever and ever afraid to get my feet "wet" due to my fears or my guilt about "moving on.").. You brought this up in your post..I think it's time to "take care" of ourselves for a change! I agree with you! We deserve some special attention (too) so we can find the strength to pick-up the "pieces" of our life and heal and be able to "move-on" in due time.
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Old 01-20-2013, 10:28 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,588 posts, read 18,230,863 times
Reputation: 18942
I must be an odd duck. I'm perfectly happy to sit on the "side lines" and "stagnate". I'm fine with being alone except for the occasional sadness that I don't get to talk with anyone for long stretches at a time and that is really my own doing. I could call or go to people's houses but I choose not to most of the time. I get sad because no one reaches out to me very often.

Yesterday was the year anniversary of Earl's death and today I am feeling the sorrow more than I did yesterday. I tried very hard not to think of it yesterday. I cried a few times off and on but would not let "it" grab a hold of me. Today I think I am decompressing. My SIL didn't even call yesterday. I doubt she even knows it was her brother's anniversary. She is such a self-centered witch. Jehovas are very self-centered and uncaring people. At least in her case.
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