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Old 09-21-2012, 08:52 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,172,988 times
Reputation: 3514

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Avalon08...I'm so sorry you lost your Mom. Sorry that you don't have more supportive and understanding people around you...This is why I waited awhile to tell certain friends that my son died. I knew they would be caring. But I didn't think they would fully understand the "depth" of my "loss."...I expected someone to say: "I'm sorry about your son...Well now that he's gone it's time to start planning your future!" (As if my son was an "obstacle" who was blocking me from moving-on with my life!)...I'm not one to say a quick "good riddance" when my loved ones die...I was close to my Mom too. And it's impossible to "replace her." My Mom had a massive heart attack when she was 72 and died instantly. There was no warning or time to prepare for possibly "losing her."...I think we're entitled to take all the time we need to mourn and grieve. I put some "walls" and "boundaries" up to protect myself from "well-meaning friends" who might have a tendency to "rush me" through the grieving process...I just talk to friends who "get" my overwhelming loss.. I don't talk about my son non-stop with everyone all the time. But I'm not ready to put him "out to pasture" either!..I'd like to hear about your Mom and the close relationship you had with her! I think that talking helps. (If you feel up to it.)
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Old 09-21-2012, 09:14 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,172,988 times
Reputation: 3514
Imw36...Thanks for writing and caring. Sending you some "caring vibes" too. I'm sorry you lost your Stepmom. Sorry you're not "close" to others in your family...I've felt like "throwing in the towel" many times during my life. I have moments where I wonder why I'm still here...Sometimes I even get mad at my husband and sons for "abandoning me" and I tell them how I honestly feel too!..I have all kinds of mixed feelings at times...I'm glad that my husband and sons didn't stick around and suffer and suffer indefinitely. (To avoid having to leave me.)..Anyway I'm sorry you feel "alone." I sure feel "alone" a lot too!..Sorry you lost your Stepmom and close friend!
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Old 09-21-2012, 09:25 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,172,988 times
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educator1953..I'm so sorry your lost your brother and father. (Especially within such a short period of time.)...Sending you a big hug! Thanks for caring about the rest of us. (And our losses too.)
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Old 09-21-2012, 12:59 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,429 posts, read 18,139,040 times
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I am so sorry, CArizona, for the deaths of your family. God Bless you for still being able to function! I don't know if I'd be able to survive such tragedy. This widowhood is tough enough, never mind your children too! BIG (((HUGS))).

Avalon, I hear ya, gf. I don't have anyone to talk to either....except you guys here. I have no one except a daughter down in Texas and she hasn't called me even once since her stepdad died and he was so good to her! We only have "moments" of toleration in our lives. When people ask how I'm doing, I say either, "fine" or "much better, ty." They don't really want to hear how I REALLY am doing so I just fluff them off with that. The loneliness is starting to get to me sometimes. Hang in there, hon. That's all we can do. Survive "one day at a time" now.
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Old 09-21-2012, 06:12 PM
 
Location: California / Maryland / Cape May
1,548 posts, read 2,422,323 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
A few years ago my older son passed away when he was only 37...Then my husband passed away and my younger son just passed away recently. Sad!...My whole family is gone now. I'm the only one "left" here...Been working through my grief in my "own way" bit by bit. I called some friends soon after my son died and waited awhile to tell other friends. I needed a good amount of time alone so I'd feel free to cry when need be...And sometimes I feel "cranky" too!.. I don't want to feel obligated to be "nicey-nice" all the time. (Because other people are around.)..Grief involves such a "mixed-bag" of emotions! Don't you think?..I'm sorry for everyone here who has lost loved ones. It's can sure be rough!
I am so, so sorry for you loss. I can not even begin to imagine what you must be going through.

Though I've never lost a child (I can't even comprehend what that must be like) with the four closest people/relatives passing away back to back over the last four years, I, too, feel like my entire family is gone. As soon as I would begin to get back on my feet from losing one, another one was gone and the painful process started all over again, four times over, so I can somewhat relate in a small way.

A mixed bag of emotions is a great way of putting it. I find that I'm a lot less tolerant lately, partly due to inconsistent sleep patterns, and partly due to realizing life is too short to put up with things I once tolerated. Oddly enough, I let several relationships fizzle during this because I realized they weren't adding value to my life and each minute is too precious to waste. On the other hand, that allowed me more time to focus on the relationships that I couldn't imagine being without.

Grieving shows us who we really are. Though my friends can't relate since they haven't lost their families yet, they've tried to be as supportive as they can be, and I'm appreciative of that, though it is hard to relate since they've never been there. I tell myself that all of this happened to me for a reason, and it's the universe trying to tell me something: go be a mother and live your life, versus putting yourself on the back burner while caring for others (an oxymoron, I know lol). So off I soon go to the west coast to find my Mr. Right and pray I haven't missed my window to have children.

I wish there was something I could say to take your pain away. Give yourself permission to feel however you're feeling that moment, and know that, with time, it will get easier.

If all else fails, do as I do and "fake it 'till you make it." I'd fake being happy and eventually one day a year or so later I wasn't crying every single day in the shower and car. Eventually I even had a genuine smile. And now, a year and a half later, I can finally see the future (though certain smells, songs, etc will send me into a crying fit at the drop of a hat, but I imagine that will get better with time, too).
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Old 09-21-2012, 06:31 PM
Status: "In an Involuntary Time Warp" (set 22 days ago)
 
7,839 posts, read 10,144,052 times
Reputation: 11396
CArizona--Sorry for your losses. I just don't ever understand why some people get it so hard in life. I think your situation has got to be one of the hardest I've ever heard of. I just would imagine keeping your body and mind healthy would be very hard right now. I hope you're eating and will say a prayer for you. I know I lose weight with any type of stress/loss and hope you have neighbors that are trying to feed you.
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Old 09-21-2012, 07:14 PM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 405,024 times
Reputation: 699
Great post, sunnytxsmile! You said so many true things. Unless you have been there, you just can't imagine what a fragile state "we" are all in during this time of loss. CArizona has been hit a triple blow and I can only try to imagine what she is going through.

It is such a comfort to me to be able to come here and share my thoughts. I, too, have friends that have the best intentions, but they don't "really" ask me how I am doing. You all understand what I am facing and going through, and for that I get strength and comfort. Thank you all for being there.

CArizona, know that we are all here for you too.
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Old 09-22-2012, 09:27 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,172,988 times
Reputation: 3514
SunnyTXsmile...Thanks for your great post. I'm sorry you lost so many loved ones all in a row. (Rough!) Good luck in your new life out on the West Coast! I need to make a move soon too. (When I feel better!)...The feelings I have now are different than what I felt after my older son and my husband passed away because there's no running-away from the fact that I'm totally alone and on my own now...And this definitely affects me...Thanks for sharing how you felt about some of your friendships. I thought about this when I had to decide who to call after my son died...I realized that it was all up to me. I didn't have anyone else around to help me make the calls. (Or anyone else around to really help with anything!)...As I mentioned in an earlier post I waited 7 to 10 days to call some friends. I kept asking myself why I had trouble calling these friends. Where was my "resistance" coming from?...Yet I called some other friends several times because the conversations seemed helpful and "rewarding."....I "get it" that I have choices and options now. When I feel better I'm going to "reinvent myself" and "redesign" my life too. (Probably bit by bit!) But who knows? I might feel like taking some "giant leaps!" (Not sure quite yet!)...P/S: Thanks to everyone who posted! I have some stuff to do but I'll come back later and post more.
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Old 09-23-2012, 07:31 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,172,988 times
Reputation: 3514
tngirl205...Thanks for all your caring posts. I'm glad CD started this special section for "grief."...The "caretaker" section is helpful too. Don't you think?...It's great to be able to connect with people who can understand our situation a little better. This way we don't feel so all alone! Or "crazy!"
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Old 09-23-2012, 07:56 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,172,988 times
Reputation: 3514
Upstate Nancy...Thanks for caring. I've always lost weight when my loved ones passed away too. (Even if I do eat!)...I'm trying to spoil myself the best I can and cook my favorite foods. And I make myself eat even when I don't feel like it...I just have a few friends in this area. (My closer friends live far away.) My local friends are nice people but nobody brought me any casseroles..They're not into going out to eat very often either. Basically they are "homebodies" who just go out to shop and come right back home...Of course I live in the desert where we have super hot summers. But a lot of people seem to get into the habit of staying "in" most of the time year-round. (And keep to themselves.) I've probably become like this myself. (Too much!)...When my husband was alive we got out in all kinds of weather. (My son did too.)...The heat doesn't bother me. But it just gets lonely to be "out and about" by myself all the time. Hopefully I'll meet more "active" friends soon.
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