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Old 10-22-2012, 08:35 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
Reputation: 3514

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tngirl...Thanks for caring. How are you doing?...I probably have a "short fuse" right now. I can be a little cranky and even "testy" at times. (Which isn't normal for me.)...Well I'm "pleasant" with people who respect my boundaries and don't try to tell me "what to do!"...And I can get "testy" if people "cross-over" and try to act like my mom or dad. (Or my big sister or brother etc.)...I don't always get "credit" for being strong and making it through so many illnesses and deaths. (All in a row...And basically by myself.)...I don't want to be "rescued." I don't want to be "set straight!"...I don't want to be brought into the "fold!"...The friend I do best with has never been much of a talker. She lets me take the "lead" when it comes to talking about my feelings. (Or not!)...And she doesn't jump-in and try to "rescue me." She has faith in me. She considers me a pretty "smart cookie!" (And I feel the same way about her too!)....What type of experiences have you been through with friends? Thanks for your post. Thanks for caring and having faith in me too!
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Old 10-22-2012, 02:11 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
Reputation: 3514
P/S...I didn't see or talk to friends very often when my husband and son were alive. (Just once in awhile.)...I could have called friends as often as I wanted or made plans to see them etc. My husband didn't hold me back...He was happy when friends called or when I felt like getting together with my friends..And all my friends liked my husband too!...But I felt like I had more in-common with my husband because he was "game" to talk about anything. (Including feelings and emotions etc.)...He always took the time to "hear me out." He listened intensely so he could understand my perspective and my concerns etc...He didn't jump- in and tell me "what to do." And he never made me feel "stupid" because I was "stumped" about something or emotionally upset at the time etc....I sure miss my husband and his "style" of relating to me. And his way of handling issues and problems. (And emotions!)...My son could be like this too. We all lived in our very own "culture" and understood each other really well....Now it feels like our "culture" is "extinct." (Sad!)... Has anyone else ever felt this way? Thanks for listening.
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Old 10-22-2012, 04:08 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,433 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
P/S...I didn't see or talk to friends very often when my husband and son were alive. (Just once in awhile.)...I could have called friends as often as I wanted or made plans to see them etc. My husband didn't hold me back...He was happy when friends called or when I felt like getting together with my friends..And all my friends liked my husband too!...But I felt like I had more in-common with my husband because he was "game" to talk about anything. (Including feelings and emotions etc.)...He always took the time to "hear me out." He listened intensely so he could understand my perspective and my concerns etc...He didn't jump- in and tell me "what to do." And he never made me feel "stupid" because I was "stumped" about something or emotionally upset at the time etc....I sure miss my husband and his "style" of relating to me. And his way of handling issues and problems. (And emotions!)...My son could be like this too. We all lived in our very own "culture" and understood each other really well....Now it feels like our "culture" is "extinct." (Sad!)... Has anyone else ever felt this way? Thanks for listening.
Oh yeah, CA. My hubby and I were just like that also. We were friends for 6 years before we started dating. That friendship never went away even as love blossomed. Actually we both were in love with each other secretly for most of those 6 years but could not act upon it. I was married and he had an "in house" gf for some of those years. (We worked together.) When the husband and gf were out of the picture, we both went for it! The rest is the happiest 18 years of my life. /
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Old 10-22-2012, 06:27 PM
 
1,627 posts, read 2,637,625 times
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CA, I feel the same way.
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Old 10-22-2012, 07:09 PM
 
3,968 posts, read 4,398,700 times
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I was never close to my family and they are almost all dead. I think nothing of my family. However, I'm not trying to come across as insensitive but is it as bad as you make it out to be? Life goes on and eventually when you accept it. You can move on a lot quickly. Again, please accept my apologies if you are offended.
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Old 10-22-2012, 11:00 PM
 
Location: Florida Gulf Coast
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I am so sorry about your son's cat, CAriz. I completely understand.
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Old 10-23-2012, 12:21 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,740,923 times
Reputation: 7078
CA, my husband and I were best friends and soul mates, too, and tended to shut out the world when we were together. When he came home from work, we had "Mommy and Daddy" time for an hour where we'd be in the kitchen together, talking, cooking dinner together, and just sharing uninterrupted time together. We were very private and didn't have many friends. Part of that was because he was an attorney in our very tiny town, and knew everybody. Half the town people were clients, and it was hard to mix work and pleasure, so we rarely socialized. Our kids friends' parents, teachers, scout leaders and others all knew my husband, so when we would go out together, everyone felt comfortable coming up to him and talking business. It was annoying when we were having dinner or at the movies, even at the kids school concerts and plays. When he died, I really didn't know how to make friends and socialize as it'd been 36 years since I'd needed to. It's been hard, but I've managed to make a couple of friends. That's about all I can handle at this point; socializing is still really uncomfortable for me.
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Old 10-23-2012, 09:23 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
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Thanks for your caring posts...I think there are different kinds of marriages. Don't you?...Some couples go their "separate ways" a lot. And this works "fine" for them and makes them happy...Maybe they are better-off because they don't put all of their "eggs" in a "single basket."...Even though it's been rough and gut-wrenching since my husband passed-away I wouldn't change anything about our relationship and the "closeness" we shared for so many decades...We didn't run-off and "hide" or keep secrets from each other...We saw each other at our "best" and our "worst!" But somehow it was "all okay!"...Neither one of us had ever experienced the kind of unconditional love and acceptance and "closeness" that we had together for so many years. (Through "thick" or "thin!")...And our love and friendship and "close bond" lives on even though we are in different "places" right now...All of this "stuff" probably sounds silly and "nutty" to my friends who do "separate ways" with their husbands....Thanks to all of you who do understand! And I'm so sorry you lost your best friends and "soul mates" too.
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Old 10-23-2012, 09:56 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
Reputation: 3514
Yellow Jacket...I'm sorry you lost most of your family. Good that you found a way to deal with it and "get past it" fairly quickly...You mentioned that you didn't really feel close to your family. I'm sorry....It's a lot different when we do feel close to loved ones who die...It's a much bigger "loss." And it can take longer to work-through our grief...In my case I feel like a tornado or hurricane came out of "nowhere" and "ripped" my house (and my whole "foundation") to "shreds!"...Basically all I have left are memories and "pieces" of "what used to be." (But is "no more!")...My grief-work involves building a new "foundation" over time and basically "reinventing myself" and finding a new sense of purpose and "meaning" to my life. (When I feel "up" to it!)
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Old 10-23-2012, 10:36 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,433 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yellow Jacket View Post
I was never close to my family and they are almost all dead. I think nothing of my family. However, I'm not trying to come across as insensitive but is it as bad as you make it out to be? Life goes on and eventually when you accept it. You can move on a lot quickly. Again, please accept my apologies if you are offended.
Oh yeah, yellowjacket, it's that and more, actually. It's been 10 months now for me and I feel as if I am one of the "luckier ones". I was in a real bad way until, what, May, maybe? I begged God to help me and HE did. IDK nor do I care if you believe or not, I'm just saying what happened to me.

I'm so sorry to hear you were not close to anyone in your family. Even though I had major problems when I was younger with members of my family, I know (now) I was still loved and they were my foundation until I married my late husband.
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