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Old 09-20-2012, 04:45 PM
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,172,988 times
Reputation: 3514


A few years ago my older son passed away when he was only 37...Then my husband passed away and my younger son just passed away recently. Sad!...My whole family is gone now. I'm the only one "left" here...Been working through my grief in my "own way" bit by bit. I called some friends soon after my son died and waited awhile to tell other friends. I needed a good amount of time alone so I'd feel free to cry when need be...And sometimes I feel "cranky" too!.. I don't want to feel obligated to be "nicey-nice" all the time. (Because other people are around.)..Grief involves such a "mixed-bag" of emotions! Don't you think?..I'm sorry for everyone here who has lost loved ones. It's can sure be rough!
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Old 09-20-2012, 05:43 PM
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,242,129 times
Reputation: 22270
I can't even imagine how it would feel to deal with losing both my sons, and my husband.

I would think anyone who knows you would certainly be aware of how difficult it must be to process so much loss and would understand that you have the right to feel however you need to feel to get through the day!

I expect the folks around you wonder how you do it but may not know how to express their concerns for you or their interest in how you are processing things.

I have heard people say - "I would call Judith up and ask her how things were going, but I am afraid it will just bring up negative things that upset her." I have also heard them say "I am embarrassed to admit I have avoided any real conversation with Judith b/c frankly, I don't even know what to say -- I am afraid I will just make it worse."

So I wouldn't be surprised if people don't know what to say or do. Maybe that has not been your experience but I sure have seen it happen. Friends would like to "be there" but aren't sure "how."

But I do think the people who care about us the most are usually aware of how up and down it is dealing with grief. Hardly anyone has reached midlife without at least some losses that they have grieved. And although very few have dealt with so much loss as you have, CArizona, I still think they would be sensitive to understanding how it has to be a roller coaster for you with how you interact with others, the world . . .

I have never been through grief counseling through a support group so I don't know how helpful those types of groups are. I have known people who lost children and found a support group a safe place to express their feelings and to have their experiences validated by others.

I would like to simply say -- I am so very sorry you have lost another son. And I know it has to feel very lonely and strange without your family.

And personally, I think you should give yourself full permission to be as grumpy or angry or wounded as you need to be on a day to day basis. You should give yourself all the space and time you need to work through everything you are feeling, whenever you feel it. THose who care about you will understand.
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Old 09-20-2012, 06:10 PM
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 405,024 times
Reputation: 699
Default Loss of family

Hi CArizona, please accept my sincere condolences on the death of your son. I can certainly understand how you feel alone.

Since my DH died, I am all alone here in TN. I do have 2 sisters in other states as well as a daughter, and a son who has nothing to do with me. Both my parents are gone, now my husband. Except for friends, and my 2 dogs and 2 cats, I do feel alone. In the evenings when it is quiet, when I go out and see couples together or family activities, when I go to the grocery store, when.....ALL THE TIME. It is something I am constantly trying to adjust to.

People that have not experienced that have no idea how it feels. The loss of my husband proved that, even though I "thought" I was prepared, I am totally lost. I can put on a brave face during the day, but in the quiet of the night, the pain creeps back in. Sometimes it's just a song that hits me.

I will pray that God will give you comfort and strength in the days ahead, for you and for all of us that are trying to make our way....alone.

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Old 09-20-2012, 06:26 PM
Location: The Great State of Arkansas
5,981 posts, read 15,895,915 times
Reputation: 7531
CArizona, I have nothing to add to what anifani and tngirl have already said - except that you can be grumpy and rant here, and you can be sad and have a bad day, or you can do okay for the day. That's what this forum is for - a safe place for all stages.

I cannot imagine what you have had to shoulder in the last few years. I just wanted to say I'm so very sorry - and I hope tomorrow is a good day. Blessings and peace to you.
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Old 09-20-2012, 07:09 PM
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,172,988 times
Reputation: 3514
anifani821...Thanks for caring! I agree with you..Some people really don't know what to say...It was hard to call everyone right away because I knew my friends would be shocked to hear that my son died. And I was still in shock for awhile too...He had been doing better. But he had a seizure and was never the same after that...He tried to "come back" and be "okay" but it all became too much for him...Calling people was difficult. I decided to put myself first and just work through my shock and my (strong) initial feelings before I called everyone in a row...All my close friends live far away. And the only family I have left are a couple of cousins in the Mid-West...I didn't call some friends until 7 to 10 days after my son died. Guess I've just gotten used to "going it alone" most of the time. It's hard for me to be "fussed-over" or treated like an "invalid." But some of the calls did help... I talked to my cousin for 5 hours on the phone one night and we shared happy memories and "funny tales" from the past with each other. Talking to her that night was just what I needed!
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Old 09-20-2012, 07:36 PM
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,172,988 times
Reputation: 3514
tngirl251..Thanks for writing and caring. I'm sorry that you lost your husband and best friend..It's been 2 years since my husband died and I still miss him so much...Right after my son died I put a picture of me and my husband (together) on the night-stand close to my bed. I needed to "feel" him with me and feel his strength...It's hard to go through a crisis without our lifelong best friend right by our side...I'm so sorry you lost your husband. I can relate to feeling lonely and even "lost" at times. When our loved ones die they take "large chunks" of us along with them. Don't you think?...Sometimes I just "function" and walk around like a "zombie." But at other times I see some "signs of life" coming back inside of me again...Anyway thanks for writing and I'm so sorry you lost your husband.
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Old 09-20-2012, 08:01 PM
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,172,988 times
Reputation: 3514
Sam I Am...Thanks for caring! I'm not used to being cranky or grumpy very often! Maybe I've just been "too nice" (in general) for too many years now...It's hard to explain but I feel like I've kept my finger in the dam for a long time. I've been "frozen-up" and in "limbo" for many years. (Through my husband's battle with cancer and my son's ongoing battle with brain tumors...Pretty much all in a row.) And now I'm finally starting to breathe again...I never expected to be all alone in life at 63 without my husband or my sons...I'm going to have to reinvent myself and make decisions about my life when I feel better...But nobody better try to "rush me!" Some people try to encourage me to think about the future right now...But I know I still need time to grieve. I don't want to make any major life changes quite yet.
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Old 09-20-2012, 08:53 PM
1,638 posts, read 2,470,299 times
Reputation: 2693
CArizona, I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what it must be like. I recently lost my 47 year old stepmother to cancer, am slightly out of touch with my biological mother, and am states away from any family or friends (travel for work) at the ripe age of 23. I sometimes feel life has proven itself too difficult for me to handle at this age...

What i'm trying to say is, I can't imagine your pain and give you kudos for making it through these days. You sound like an amazingly strong person and I hope you hold that with you until it's your time to leave this world. You most likely have some beautiful memories with your family, and I hope they can comfort you.

I have an extremely broken family, but I can't imagine losing them all. Just know I'm pulling for you, because everyone who loses a loved one needs it. Sending good vibes your way.
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Old 09-21-2012, 12:07 AM
Location: Florida Gulf Coast
4,083 posts, read 5,496,975 times
Reputation: 6407
I am very sorry, too, for your unimaginable grief at losing two children in addition to the rest of your family. I'm an only child and recently lost my mother (father was long-gone), and I feel totally alone. We were like best friends and she was the only one I could talk to about certain things -- a lot of things, actually. I have an adult son but he has problems of his own. I have a million cousins, but they are all busy with their own children and grandchildren. Same with friends. I am very depressed -- I feel like all the joy in my life is gone. My Mom was elderly so it's even worse because people think "she lived a good long life" and I should be over it by now. I just can't explain how alone and joyless I feel.
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Old 09-21-2012, 07:09 AM
Location: Duncan, Oklahoma
2,583 posts, read 1,183,869 times
Reputation: 1934
I am so sorry for everyone's loss. My youngest brother (the baby of the family) died from complications of MS on May 27, 2012--one day before his 54th birthday. My father died a little over a week ago on September 12, 2012. He had dementia. He was 78 years old--which to me doesn't seem that old. Needless to say, it has been a horrible year for Mom, my brother, my husband, and me.

Like the rest of you, we are just trying to get through each day. I know it will take a while. Hopefully, for all of us on this forum, the day will eventually come when at least some joy can return to our lives. I am thinking of everyone who's posted at this time. Peace to each of you!
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