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Old 09-30-2012, 09:21 AM
 
1,627 posts, read 2,637,003 times
Reputation: 2047

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My husband passed three months ago and I lost my best friend before he died, she did not want to deal with me, and then my father told me not to have anything to do with him, for me to move on and stop this grieving. I talked to a professional counselor and she went off on me on various things, she was trying to psycho analyze me but she did apologize for her behavior and actually made me tell her she was forgiven.

I have found there were people who I felt I could count on and they never said a word to me or if I emailed them, they never emailed me back.

I am literally all alone in this word, after my husband died with no close friends or family. I struggle at times due to loneliness, trying to make this huge adjustment in my life. The loss of my husband is so great, so intense at times because he was my everything. I devoted my life to this man and I was his care-giver for the last three years, but he became ill four years prior to that.

I have done some soul searching and this is my conclusion: We are but one but separate, we are the captain of our ship and we are the only one to make our life happy and with purpose. Do not count on anyone but yourself to make you whole and complete. Expectations is a big one for me. Although, I should never expect anyone to do anything for me, I still have expectations that people treat me with respect and I am not perfect, I make mistakes and although I am not myself, grief has taken over for a brief period, people don't need to understand me but respect me. I have given myself permission to grieve the loss of my husband after 38 years and for some they closed the door on me, that is their choice, not mine.

I am now in a world that is unsympathetic to grief. Life prepares us for birth but not death. Before my husband's illness he was my protector, he was there for me and we were partners and did everything together.. He was all I needed or wanted in life. He was a wonderful and beautiful human being, the better half of us. I feel so lost and alone without him. My world has changed completely and I feel abandoned, lost and alone.

I have to start a whole new life. It is hard for me to meet people and start conversations. I feel like I am in a couples world being single. I feel confused as I don't know my interests and likes. I am lucky to get out of bed every morning.

In a world, that doesn't want to be around people who are grieving, we are suppose to be happy, look happy, and when asked, "how are you doing?" reply "oh, I am happy and fine". I am not happy and fine.
That is okay with me for now, I am going through a process that will allow me to be in a better place, but for now I am in grieving. For now, I will close the door and stay within and when I am ready to come out, I will be fine.

My opinion? Please don't tell people who have lost a loved one the following: 1. You are in a better place now that he is gone, you had to take care of him all those years. 2. He would have wanted you to get on with your life. 3. This is a new lease on life, a new beginning, you now can do the things you have wanted to do. There are many more I have heard. The point being when people are grieving, please just hug them, no need to say anything, just say, "I care". There are no time limitations on grief.

The only person I have to rely on is myself and the only person that I love more than anyone is myself and to be honest, I don't need anyone to feel whole and complete, I just need respect.

Nameste,
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Old 09-30-2012, 09:50 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,431 posts, read 18,144,759 times
Reputation: 18811
Smilinpretty, I am stunned by the reactions of those around you! Those are hard and cold reactions. I extend my sympathy to you. I don't care that we are all just cyber people, we care here. (((HUGS)))
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Old 09-30-2012, 10:55 AM
 
1,627 posts, read 2,637,003 times
Reputation: 2047
Thank you so much, Tamiznluv. It has been a learning experience. Before my husband died, a neighbor asked for one of his possessions and she got upset when my reply was no. I have had three men inquire about my husband's truck, right after he passed. My answer? "NO". Perhaps, I can't change peoples ill behavior but I can change me. When a person is thrown into a position like I was, you learn very quickly, the only person you have to depend is you.

I have choices now and it depends on me how I plan to use those choices, to enhance my ability to get on with life, or become the victim.

Thank you for being here for me. I need right now people who I feel will respect me and support me, not close the door on me. My one best friend, who lives out of state told me she will never abandon me.

Nameste,
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Old 09-30-2012, 12:36 PM
 
Location: Islip,NY
16,929 posts, read 19,672,707 times
Reputation: 17186
Quote:
Originally Posted by smilinpretty View Post
Thank you so much, Tamiznluv. It has been a learning experience. Before my husband died, a neighbor asked for one of his possessions and she got upset when my reply was no. I have had three men inquire about my husband's truck, right after he passed. My answer? "NO". Perhaps, I can't change peoples ill behavior but I can change me. When a person is thrown into a position like I was, you learn very quickly, the only person you have to depend is you.

I have choices now and it depends on me how I plan to use those choices, to enhance my ability to get on with life, or become the victim.

Thank you for being here for me. I need right now people who I feel will respect me and support me, not close the door on me. My one best friend, who lives out of state told me she will never abandon me.

Nameste,
1 week after my dad died, a neighbor of theirs who never really was too friendly and kept to himself asked my mom if she was selling my dads ford explorer and that he was interested in buying it. She said no it's a lease that has to be turned in. What she really wanted to say was " How dare you ask me that after I just lost my husband" are you some kind of idiot???
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Old 09-30-2012, 01:08 PM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 405,210 times
Reputation: 699
smilinpretty, I just read your post and can relate to everything you said. My husband passed away six months ago tomorrow (seems just like yesterday) after 32 years of marriage. I have posted this before, and you may have read it, but he was in declining health for the last 4 years. His death was anticipated and predicted by the doctors, everyday was a struggle for him, and as his caregiver, a struggle for me to watch him suffer.

I played the scenario over and over in my head, how it would be in the end. He went in the hospital 6 times in the last 3 years with pneumonia; each time I thought was the end. He struggled on and I struggled watching him suffer, but loving every minute of taking care of him. He told me every single night how much he appreciated me. He knew it was hard on me. Amidst his suffering, he was worried about the toll it was taking on me.

So when the end did come, in the middle of the night in his sleep, at home in his own bed (he would so have wanted that, not to die in some cold VA hospital), it was a part blessing that he was no longer suffering, but so devestating to me. I can't remember if I told him I loved him before he went to sleep earlier that day. I can't remember, and that haunts me. Little did I know that he was nearing death and his body already shutting down. He slept into the night and passed around midnight, or so the coroner thought. The emotions that I had so carefully "planned for" went right out the window and I was flooded with raw, unexpected emotions. People gathered around me that day, but slowly faded away. I have not had the coldness that you have experienced, for the most part, but people just seem to accept that they don't need to ask me any more how I am doing....really doing.

If I didn't have the loving and caring people on this forum, I would be lost. We can all relate to our grief and support each other, and for that I am truly grateful. But my life has also changed in a good way; my husband's death brought me back to the church.

I was raised in the Lutheran church but had not been for many, many years. My husband was too weak to go while we lived here, and after he died, a friend invited me to talk to her pastor of a small country Lutheran church. I put it off for a couple of weeks, then one day at work after breaking down uncontrollably and being sent home, I called him. He came over the next day, a total stranger, and he listened to me talk/cry/sob for an hour and a half. He shared God's word with me and invited me to church. That encounter changed my life. I have been attending church regularly in this small, loving congregation where I was received, literally, with opened arms.

I have found such comfort through hearing God's word and knowing that He is there for me and loves me unconditionally. If I had no other person in this world, knowing that I am a child of God gives me peace and comfort. I don't know what your faith is, but I would encourage visiting a church and see if you can find one that you feel comfortable with. Having a church family is such a blessing to me, I hope it can be to you also. Just open up and let God work in your life. My life has changed in such a positive way since my husband died, I just know that it is part of His plan for me.

I still grieve....I am crying as I write this....I still need support and I will continue to faithfully read this forum and be there for all of you. If you have no one else, you have all of us....and God.

May the good Lord bless and keep you.
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Old 09-30-2012, 02:43 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,431 posts, read 18,144,759 times
Reputation: 18811
What a lovely post, tn. I'm so glad you found us.
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Old 09-30-2012, 03:36 PM
 
1,627 posts, read 2,637,003 times
Reputation: 2047
Smile Thank you for your words.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tngirl205 View Post
smilinpretty, I just read your post and can relate to everything you said. My husband passed away six months ago tomorrow (seems just like yesterday) after 32 years of marriage. I have posted this before, and you may have read it, but he was in declining health for the last 4 years. His death was anticipated and predicted by the doctors, everyday was a struggle for him, and as his caregiver, a struggle for me to watch him suffer.

I played the scenario over and over in my head, how it would be in the end. He went in the hospital 6 times in the last 3 years with pneumonia; each time I thought was the end. He struggled on and I struggled watching him suffer, but loving every minute of taking care of him. He told me every single night how much he appreciated me. He knew it was hard on me. Amidst his suffering, he was worried about the toll it was taking on me.

So when the end did come, in the middle of the night in his sleep, at home in his own bed (he would so have wanted that, not to die in some cold VA hospital), it was a part blessing that he was no longer suffering, but so devestating to me. I can't remember if I told him I loved him before he went to sleep earlier that day. I can't remember, and that haunts me. Little did I know that he was nearing death and his body already shutting down. He slept into the night and passed around midnight, or so the coroner thought. The emotions that I had so carefully "planned for" went right out the window and I was flooded with raw, unexpected emotions. People gathered around me that day, but slowly faded away. I have not had the coldness that you have experienced, for the most part, but people just seem to accept that they don't need to ask me any more how I am doing....really doing.

If I didn't have the loving and caring people on this forum, I would be lost. We can all relate to our grief and support each other, and for that I am truly grateful. But my life has also changed in a good way; my husband's death brought me back to the church.

I was raised in the Lutheran church but had not been for many, many years. My husband was too weak to go while we lived here, and after he died, a friend invited me to talk to her pastor of a small country Lutheran church. I put it off for a couple of weeks, then one day at work after breaking down uncontrollably and being sent home, I called him. He came over the next day, a total stranger, and he listened to me talk/cry/sob for an hour and a half. He shared God's word with me and invited me to church. That encounter changed my life. I have been attending church regularly in this small, loving congregation where I was received, literally, with opened arms.

I have found such comfort through hearing God's word and knowing that He is there for me and loves me unconditionally. If I had no other person in this world, knowing that I am a child of God gives me peace and comfort. I don't know what your faith is, but I would encourage visiting a church and see if you can find one that you feel comfortable with. Having a church family is such a blessing to me, I hope it can be to you also. Just open up and let God work in your life. My life has changed in such a positive way since my husband died, I just know that it is part of His plan for me.

I still grieve....I am crying as I write this....I still need support and I will continue to faithfully read this forum and be there for all of you. If you have no one else, you have all of us....and God.

May the good Lord bless and keep you.

Thank you so much for your kind and pleasant words, so much appreciated.

Currently, I am attending a Hospice Grief Group with the Champlain. My faith in God is very strong. I pray every single night for strength to give me the will and desire to continue on this life. I believe I am coming out of the end of the tunnel and I will continue to nourish myself with love and kindness. During my husband's illness I attended church. It is what centered me. At present, it is just my desire to remain by myself and heal within, as I am doing. I know getting through grief is a process and we all have our own tools in what works best for us. Perhaps, it is just as will I got kicked in the teeth, now I am more focused on me helping me, not depending on others to support me. Afterall, when it comes right down to it, no one can fix me, or support me unless I support myself first.

I am so happy to hear you found a church to attend that supports you in every way, this is important.

Thank you all for your feedback, kindness and support.
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Old 09-30-2012, 05:54 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
Reputation: 3514
smilinpretty...I'm so sorry you lost your husband and best friend. Sorry you don't have supportive or understanding people around you...I can relate to all you wrote. I pretty much "go it alone" 99% of the time...Good that we have so many caring people here!.. Thank you for your caring post in my "Whole family is gone" thread!...Keep writing and sharing your thoughts and feelings. (When you feel up to it.) Nobody is going to tell us to "be quiet" or "get over it" here. (Which is great!)...I'm so sorry you lost your husband. Wish I could give you a great big hug right now. And take you out to lunch and spoil you for the day.
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Old 09-30-2012, 09:08 PM
 
Location: Atlanta
307 posts, read 537,198 times
Reputation: 549
Smilinpretty,

I read your post and I find it hard to believe that people's reaction to your grief seems so heartless, but I guess nothing is impossible in this world anymore... I lost my mom 4 years ago August and I still miss her but my grief is not like it was when she first passed. Actually I think I grieved more for her when we got her diagnosis and during the 9 month battle. My sleep was erratic and I was knotted up during that time. I think I grieved differently after my mom passed.

Sometimes I think people don't know what to say; they want to say something but it does not come out right.
It will take time to get your bearings. I can say that in the last year have I started to feel like myself. No, I didn't live in a cocoon until then, but the joy is back. When I go out and have a good time I feel 'light'.

I think the experts say grief has stages, some stages may last longer than others and everyone reacts differently to loss, but now, for the most part, when I think of my mom, it is the great times we had, sometimes I get a little misty, but I focus on the love we had and that never ends.

You had a double whammy (husband and your best friends) it will take time, but please try something like volunteering or something to assist you in getting through this.
**Hugs**
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Old 10-01-2012, 02:00 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,739,165 times
Reputation: 7078
Smilinpretty, I'm so sorry you're feeling so alone. I can't imagine people not being sympathetic. That's heartbreaking. I lost my husband almost 3 years ago, and it hasn't been easy. People were very kind and caring when he passed (it was totally unexpected and sudden--he was 8 days short of his 60th birthday), but like anything else, people came together for the celebration of life gathering, but the next day, were back at work and their world went on. My kids came in from around the country, but they, too, had work and school obligations to return to. I was left to pick up the pieces and figure out what to do alone. My youngest moved back home a year later, and he's been a great comfort so I don't feel so alone.

I didn't go through the stages of grief that my counselor said I would. I have accepted that he's gone, but I haven't felt any anger. I still cry at the slightest memory of him, and miss him terribly. I have created a life by getting involved in my community as a volunteer, go to events like a lecture at the library, or annual events that come to town, but otherwise, I'm very much a homebody/hermit as I always was.

I'm not a church goer, but finding a church, a grief support group, or place to volunteer is extremely helpful. If nothing else, it gets you out of the house and gets your mind off your grief if only for an hour or so. In the meantime, keep coming back here. Everyone is supportive, caring, kind and understanding. Having a place to talk is wonderful, and we all know how you feel. We've been there...
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