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I took my Mother to my donor's funeral because she wanted to go (I still don't really know why because they had been divorced for 30 years and their marriage was terrible and he was always abusive toward her and myself). Anyway, one of the women at the wake said "How wonderful it was that he found Christ and was "seeing visions" right before he died" I wanted to say to her........."He was ONLY seeing visions because he was too drunk to see anything else". What a load of hooey, he had her fooled just like he fooled so many others. This is a man who had a "Jesus Saves" sticker on the bumper of his vehicle and a styrofoam cooler of cold Budweiser in the back seat at all times...
The expression "I'm sorry for your loss," is so shallow for me. Losing someone you love is not like misplacing your keys or leaving your coffee cup on the roof of your car. This was a person with a name.
I'd rather hear, "I'm sorry about your Dad," or "It's so sad to hear about your friend Joey."
I can understand where you're coming from, but I also think sometimes people want to express sympathy and don't know what to say (since perhaps they don't know the extent of your relationship with the departed) or they are worried if they say the wrong thing it will trigger too much emotion in the grieving person (and make them cry all over again, when they finally just stopped crying and are trying to not think about it).
I also can understand it because some people have truly never lost anyone close so they don't know what to say and can't relate but want to say something to show they care and sympathize. I take it as they're doing the best they can.
I know what your trying to say in your post, and some of it I agree with , but no one grieving has to be reminded , its in your head 24 hours a day for weeks, months and sometimes longer..
I know what your trying to say in your post, and some of it I agree with , but no one grieving has to be reminded , its in your head 24 hours a day for weeks, months and sometimes longer..
Believe me, I know. I recently lost my entire immediate family (and, before that, my partners and best friends). I have suffered more loss by my 30s than most people have even in their 60s and find that few people can comprehend my experiences, let alone relate (so I can have someone to talk to that truly understands).
But I also know that everyone grieves differently. I personally like my space and don't want anyone bringing it up unless I bring it up, which is how I treat others. I will share my sympathies and try not to get too specific (often keeping my comment vague such as the one you described) and remind them that when they are ready, I am absolutely here in any way they need me at any hour - whether I'm asleep, at the office, any time. I will listen to them. I will distract them, if that's what they want. I will cry with them. I will be there for them in any way they need me to be, however, it needs to be on their terms since they are the ones mourning. Until then, "I'm sorry for your loss" is often how I first show that I feel and understand the pain they are going through.
I'm getting a lot of comments lately about how, as the first anniversary of my spouse's death approaches, "this must be a tough time for you."
I smile and nod, but what I really want to do is bark: "You know what? Every day is a tough time for me!"
But I don't, because we all have to be strong and mature, right?
You know, I get that a lot, too, and also don't get it, because like you, every day is tough for me. The only thing I can think is that they say that because either:
1. they haven't yet been in the same shoes and are trying to share their thoughts that they're thinking of you or
2. they have been in the same shoes and are in a different place with their grief to where they can get by day to day but larger events may trigger more difficult emotions for them and they're trying to tell you that they care.
Those are my only guesses so far as to why people say that to me.
1. they haven't yet been in the same shoes and are trying to share their thoughts that they're thinking of you or
2. they have been in the same shoes and are in a different place with their grief to where they can get by day to day but larger events may trigger more difficult emotions for them and they're trying to tell you that they care.
Yeah, I'm sure you're right about 99 percent of the people who say it. In a way, it's nice to know that they remember. Thanks for the perspective.
I'm a little hormonal this week to boot. It doesn't help! Last night I was a sobbing mess (to the point where I was scaring the cats!) and my sister helped coax me out of it. I really do need to lean on people more than I have. I just hate feeling so needy!
Yeah, I'm sure you're right about 99 percent of the people who say it. In a way, it's nice to know that they remember. Thanks for the perspective.
I'm a little hormonal this week to boot. It doesn't help! Last night I was a sobbing mess (to the point where I was scaring the cats!) and my sister helped coax me out of it. I really do need to lean on people more than I have. I just hate feeling so needy!
Yeah, I often say that even if someone says or does the wrong thing, or something that may upset me (without their knowing), at least they cared enough to even try to make me feel better.
You are allowed to feel exactly however you are feeling at that moment. For me any way, I see mourning as a battle. It may not be pretty, but if I come out the other end standing, I did a good job.
Oh no! I hate to admit this, but you gave me a great giggle about the cats (poor babies lol). lol My dogs can totally relate. lol They would be BFFs with your cats, for sure. lol
Wow, I say the same thing ALL the time about learning to lean more on the people I have. I've heard it for decades, but it's only the last few years that I realize just how right they are. Baby steps, that's all we can ask of ourselves.
(It reminds me of a time when I was married and my 6'3" husband just sat back and chuckled watching his 5'6" wife struggle to get something from the top kitchen shelf. He said, "it pains you so much to ask for help that I'm literally sitting right here doing absolutely nothing and you still won't ask for help." lol I suppose old habits die hard. )
What are some things people have said to you when your loved one died that made you angry?
1. Well you didn't expect him to live forever, did you?
2. Showing up to a memorial service dressed for a flea market they were attending afterwards.
I am at a loss for words.
Not to make matters worse but I am offended, and I didn't even know him.
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It doesn't help! Last night I was a sobbing mess (to the point where I was scaring the cats!) and my sister helped coax me out of it. I really do need to lean on people more than I have. I just hate feeling so needy!
