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Old 10-01-2012, 07:32 AM
 
Location: Islip,NY
16,942 posts, read 19,680,616 times
Reputation: 17199

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I was thinking about this today and some people should open their mouth and insert foot, if you know what I mean. When a loved one dies whether it's a spouse, parent. close relative or friend the last thing you want to hear is someone complianing, talking about themselves or saying something inappropriate instead of "Gee I am sorry for your loss" I have a few examples that I wanted to share.

When my grandfather died at age 94 in 2002 we were at the wake and my dad's cousin came up to my mother and asked what she was doing there. My mom's reply was "why are you asking?" my dads cousin said she thought they were divorced and was surprised to see my mom at the funeral. My mom was so appauled that she walked away in disgust.

My dad died in 2004 and we had the wake and people were coming from all over. People who had not seen my dad in 20 years. Another cousin of my dad's also was shocked to see my mom and thought they were divorced. My mom said even if they were what business was it of hers and that he was still the father of her children and she would have went to the funeral any way. A long time friend of my mom's told her now that your husband is gone you can be at peace. WTF does that mean? My dad was not easy going and was difficult to live with at times but my mom still cared and loved him in spite of that. You don't say stuff like that to a person who just lost their spouse even if you didn't like them. Keep your opinions to yourself or leave the room and go outside and talk about it with someone else not to the grieving family.Then you get the co-workers who only want to talk about how bad work is or how their life sucks meanwhile they could care less that you lost your loved one.

Has anyone experienced this or better yet has anyone had fighting going on during a loved ones wake? I almost had that at my Uncles wake but it's too long of a story to get into. I decided I would be the better person and kept my mouth shut.
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Old 10-01-2012, 07:37 AM
 
Location: Glasgow Scotland
14,510 posts, read 11,489,335 times
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I find funerals very false, as you say people turn up that havent been in the persons life for years, some didnae even like them.. but they all seem to think "Its the right thing to do" and you have to show "Respect" what a load of cobblers, all these people do is get in the way.. cause more heartache by being there for no reason than noseyness or thinking they have to or even worse, a free dinner... I hate them. I never go to anyones funeral if I can help it. only close friends or family.. and I dont think Ill be missed either...The most hated thing to say is.... "if theres anything I can do"... knowing full well the person grieving wont ask.. maybe one should turn round and say... "actually a nice Caribbean holiday would go down well..... " shake them in their shoes.. or "Ive been left with a big mortgage , and dont know what to do."..... cant see them for stoor or dust springs to mind..
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Old 10-01-2012, 02:04 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
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After my mom died one of my aunts said: "Well I guess I'll have to take your dad in and take care of him!" (As if he was a "charity case" or "homeless bum!") She made some other snide comments too. I was shocked!...I said: "You obviously don't know my dad very well after all these years! He knows how to cook and clean and wash and take care of himself. He's very self-sufficient!" (And this was the truth!)...This aunt was married to my dad's brother and she had always been competitve with my mom and our whole family...My aunt and her family left in a "huff" after our "talk." They didn't come to the get-together after the funeral. My dad wondered why...But they could be "flaky" at times so my dad just figured they had something else to do... My mom had just died unexpectedly and it was a sad time for all of us. I didn't want to "stir up conflict" by telling my dad what my aunt said. And I took care of it myself anyway...I waited about 6 months to tell my dad. (He was doing fine on his own.)...He was proud of me for standing-up to my aunt and putting her in her "place!"
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Old 10-01-2012, 03:01 PM
 
Location: Islip,NY
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What's even better are those people who didn't not give a rats butt about the person who died but they come to the funeral mass in the hope of getting invited to the luncheon afterwards to grab a FREE meal! We had that when my dad died. some friends and relatives were hinting they wanted to join us but my mom wouldn't bite. She had reserved a restaurant for 15 people and that's it.It's sad that these people want to mooch a free meal manwhile they had not called my dad in years. I also got a comment from a woman friend of my dad's saying how wonderful he was and that she wouldn't be the same without him. Give me a freakin break!!! She did not live with him. My dad had 3 personalities, private at home with us, public with co-workers and people from the town and they way he acted in front of relatives. I did not know how he was in public but from what I heard he was adored and respected.Why can't someone be the same all around with everyone. Well that's another topic LOL.
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Old 10-01-2012, 03:06 PM
 
Location: Glasgow Scotland
14,510 posts, read 11,489,335 times
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What about the moochers, who cant wait to ask whats happening to all the furniture and clothes.. these people are sick..I watched four aunts with their daughters almost fighting over my dead aunts clothes in a suitcase. when she was hardly cold...
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Old 10-01-2012, 06:13 PM
 
Location: Islip,NY
16,942 posts, read 19,680,616 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dizzybint View Post
What about the moochers, who cant wait to ask whats happening to all the furniture and clothes.. these people are sick..I watched four aunts with their daughters almost fighting over my dead aunts clothes in a suitcase. when she was hardly cold...
Yep, my Aunt is one of those people. When my Grandfather died in 1995 her and my uncle were in charge of selling his home and cleaning it out. She took everything she could but what she didn't take were the fond memories we shared with my grandfather. She moved to Florida in 1972 so she only came to visit him once a year. She's all about possesions.
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Old 10-01-2012, 10:15 PM
 
Location: Florida Gulf Coast
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"She lived a good, long life."

As if that's supposed to make me feel better after I've lost my Mom....suddenly, even if she was elderly.
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Old 10-02-2012, 01:10 AM
 
Location: Glasgow Scotland
14,510 posts, read 11,489,335 times
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Sometimes it's what some dont say.... I remember going back to the factory where I worked when my aunt who brought me up died less than a year after her husband. my head was all over the place as I was only 17, and full of heartache.. dread, guilt and Im ashamed to say it, selfishness, that they had both left me..... but what puzzled me were the people in the workplace who carried on talking to me as if nothing had happened, I felt they didnt care or share what I was going through.. it might have been not to upset me, but why do some people cross the street and avoid people when theres been a bereavement, thats when true caring people are needed...
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Old 10-02-2012, 05:44 AM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,712 posts, read 21,760,954 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dizzybint View Post
What about the moochers, who cant wait to ask whats happening to all the furniture and clothes.. these people are sick..I watched four aunts with their daughters almost fighting over my dead aunts clothes in a suitcase. when she was hardly cold...
After a loved ones death, people asked for things which they had given to them. Not even yet cold, someone told me that the dear departed family member owed them money.
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Old 10-02-2012, 09:27 AM
 
Location: Philaburbia
31,166 posts, read 57,302,589 times
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My aunt sent me a card when my spouse died saying that his death was so hard for her because my uncle is battling the same disease "but he's in remission still, thank God."

I'm thankful, too, that my uncle is well. I was still tempted to send my aunt a note apologizing for the hardship that my husband's death put her through. But I was a good girl and didn't even tell anyone in the family what my aunt had written, not even my mom or my sister. I'm giving her a semi-pass based on the fact that she's 90.

What bothered me more -- and still bothers me a year later -- are the people that refused to acknowledge the fact that my husband had died. Co-workers, friends, even family members who didn't even say they were sorry. It's just befuddling.

And even my husband's family rarely calls me. We had a little service in May when his headstone was laid (he died in October), and his aunt said "Oh, what have you been doing? We haven't seen you ... " Yeah, since the funeral, right?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
After a loved ones death, people asked for things which they had given to them. Not even yet cold, someone told me that the dear departed family member owed them money.
That happened at my father-in-law's funeral. Yeesh. Talk about bad taste.
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