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Old 10-10-2012, 03:06 PM
 
Location: central Oregon
1,856 posts, read 2,025,067 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Very nice, tulani. Thank you for sharing with the rest of us.
Thank you. My pleasure.
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Old 10-10-2012, 11:52 PM
 
1,627 posts, read 2,636,462 times
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You are all awesome people. Thank you for your warm and gracious replies. I love that poem, cyclone. I have read it many many times, I thank you so much, Tulani. I thank you all for your support and nurturing thoughts to me.

Today, I attended a spiritual workshop. This one woman who I suspect was in her late 70's, we were the first ones who finished with our project, we sat out on patio and talked. She told me that grief is very hard on a person and she understood completely how I feel. I replied, "thank you". We did some small talk and what a lovely spiritual human being. We bonded. We took a walk afterwards.

I decided to make a step forward and attend a Singles Function for people my age. Although, they will meet at a bar, and I don't drink, I need to make a step forward making friends. I need to create a new world for me. Although, I don't have much energy, seems like grief has exhausted me and I have to push myself in everything I do.

My girlfriend from out of state, we talked the other day, she told me that she discussed with her friend whose husband dropped dead of a heart attack, if she suffered from grief like I did?? The woman said, "NO". This woman has two sons, grandchildren, all kinds of friends and she had a social life she had with a group of friends. The difference is that I was a care-giver to my husband for so many years, without having social contact with other people. It was just "us". He was my life. So, I suppose that makes it much more difficult for me. I have no family, no friends nearby, I am use to doing things just with my husband.

I had the support of my Doctor, who is the best Doctor in the world. Thankfully, for her and her office manager they supported me throughout my husband's illness in his later stages of his illness.

I suppose if I had the opportunity of having a social life, things would be different but the way it turned out, I was alone with my husband.

Now it is just me and I just feel so vulnerable, so out of place, and I don't know who I am anymore. I know in time, my life will change for the positive and I will look back and remember how much I struggled back then.

(((HUGS TO YOU)))) xxxoo
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Old 10-11-2012, 08:28 AM
 
Location: East Coast
2,877 posts, read 4,388,330 times
Reputation: 4180
Quote:
Originally Posted by smilinpretty View Post
I decided to make a step forward and attend a Singles Function for people my age. Although, they will meet at a bar, and I don't drink, I need to make a step forward making friends. I need to create a new world for me. Although, I don't have much energy, seems like grief has exhausted me and I have to push myself in everything I do.
When I was widowed in my '30s, I was fortunate enough to find a support group for widowed people run by a social worker who was widowed herself. We didn't meet in the summer, but she helped us plan dinners/outings with the other people in our group. Years later, I still socialize with some of the women I met in that support group.

Have you found any support groups in your area for widowed people? I was so grateful for the groups I attended...both for the grief support and the friendship. Singles groups can certainly fill a need, but I found in the first year after being widowed, I needed to be with other people who were in the same situation as me (widowed vs divorced/never married). Just a thought...
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Old 10-11-2012, 09:27 AM
 
Location: Philaburbia
31,164 posts, read 57,274,608 times
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I'm so sorry you've lost your husband and that you're hurting so badly. Fifteen weeks is not a very long time. Please believe that you're not broken; you're just injured.

I'm kind of in the same boat and it's almost been a year since my husband died. Two years of helping him fight cancer just wore me out. While I go to work every day, occasionally talk or visit with friends, and lean on my sister (who lives 500 miles away) and my mom (400 miles away), I just don't feel like doing much of anything. That weight comes and goes, and is starting to lift more often. It's not a linear process, either (and being premenopausal doesn't help!). I just kind of roll with it; half the time when I'm feeling low I force myself to go out, even if it's just to the grocery store. Other times when I'm feeling flat I read or watch a movie.

Quote:
Originally Posted by smilinpretty View Post
I have one friend who has been here for me and seriously if it wasn't for her I would not be alive. I would never tell her that. She lifts me up, she is the sunshine in my life. God brought her into my life and I feel so indebted to her. She is a great teacher to me.
Do tell her how grateful you are for her friendship.

My best to you, from me and my two cats.
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Old 10-11-2012, 10:15 AM
 
Location: New York State, USA
142 posts, read 202,806 times
Reputation: 173
Just checking back today to say that it really is true what people say; I've heard this before so I thought to bring it here. Something about "it takes a year". It does. I lost my Mom two years ago. I thought I'd never get over the pain and I felt that I couldn't do anything. Work lost meaning, I really wasn't concentrating. This heavy heart, this heavy feeling of not wanting to be here, well, after about a year, it lifted somewhat. I had to force myself out of bed, I had to force myself to go to church. Then I started to see joy in little things. A friend took me to the theatre, another took me to dinner. I noticed I would talk a little more. The loss doesn't go away, but you feel a little lighter, in time.

Just know in your heart that other people care. You have a place to talk and you will be alright.

Here's a big ((((virtual hug)))
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Old 10-11-2012, 06:57 PM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 405,024 times
Reputation: 699
Smilinpretty, your post has really hung on with me. I guess because I saw in words what I am feeling in my heart. But just the opposite, in a sense; people aren't trying to fix me, they are just ignoring knowing what kind of state I am really in. No one really asks, guess they just assume everything is peachy. If they only knew.

I have sort of been in a funk for the last couple of weeks. My pastor's father just passed away last Saturday from the same thing as my husband (lung disease), he was only one year older than my husband. It brought back so many memories. I have relived my husband dying over and over.

It has been 6 months now since he died and I seem to be going through a new stage of grief. It's more like depression. I know it is probably normal, but unexpected a little to me. It just shows how individualy we handle our grief after a loss.

I said this before in another post, but feel it is worth repeating: you all are my true friends because you understand some of what I am going through, don't judge me or expect me to always put on a happy face, offer comfort and support.....I know I can always come here to feel better. Amazing thing, how none of us have met in person, but we care about each other. Thanks to each and every one of you for your friendship.

I am so conscious of couples everywhere I go. The last 5 years I was the caregiver for my husband. We stopped going for drives, going out to eat, enjoying life. He just couldn't enjoy them anymore, it was such a struggle to breathe. So we stayed home. I went to work everyday and that was my "getting out of the house." I am not complaining; I loved taking care of him. But now that it's just me, I have no one to do those things with. I feel so alone and miss him so much. My church helps fill some of that void, being around other people. Maybe I need to try to find a grief support group here locally.

Ok, now I feel like I am starting to ramble and guess I'll wrap this post up. Smilinpretty, how I wish we could get together and share our stories. I feel we have so much in common.

Thanks to all of you for listening to me! You guys are the greatest!!
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Old 10-11-2012, 09:42 PM
 
1,627 posts, read 2,636,462 times
Reputation: 2047
tngirl205,

I, too, wish we could meet with each other and share our stories.

I attended my grief support group today. It started out at six and it is down to three. I know all 3 of us have something in common. Nobody seems to understand except us.

I feel a little bit better tonight as I attended a singles function. I feel some hope that I can get through this. I needed to feel the water.
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Old 10-11-2012, 10:03 PM
 
Location: Puerto Rico
22 posts, read 19,089 times
Reputation: 36
I was very sad to read what you are going through. Please know this, that your loved ones never leave you they just pass to another dimension. You have a task still left to do, otherwise you would be with your husband. Please look for your reason to live and know that your husband is looking over you and is concerned for your well being also. You need to gather all your strength and go on. Talk to your husband, he hears you and wants you to be happy. He has things that he must do also, but will not leave you until he knows you are ok. You will be rejoined. Take comfort in this and ask God and your guardian angel to help you through this. Watch for little signs that they are around you and guiding you. You will be surprised of the love they send you. God bless you and sending love your way.
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Old 10-15-2012, 09:03 AM
 
24 posts, read 41,417 times
Reputation: 50
No matter what anyone say here or anywhere right now will not really help you i know this.... time itself is the only thing. though even then the pain does not go away... you simply learn to live with it.
I think the people that are telling you what to do/ what not to do.. are as you already know trying to help, but when they say what you should do, they too feel lost as to what to say to you, so atleast if they say something ( most of the time ts far from helpful) they feel asthough they are saying/doing something.

Just take each day as it comes, and thats all you can. Try and imagine what you would be doing with your husband, what you both liked to do, things you wanted to do, and write a sort of bucket list, even small things, like ..play mini golf... and try and carry on with him, knowing he is around you, and most likley doing these things with you.

I'm sure he would hate to see you so destroyed, and his heart will be hurting wishing he was still with you, so talk to him, and say how you feel like he is still there when you need too. And focus on things you can do, not what you feel like you cant.

As another poster said, no one really knows 100% how you feel though they have a good idea. My daughter passed away in July 2011. Shee was almost 2, and even know the days are long, But i have a list, a list of places she would of loved, and i go there , i take my other children who are young, and i imagine her face when we do certain things.

Keep talking even on places like this, and say how you feel, or in a diary, Write down at the end of each day, and then in 6 months read it back, keep doing this, as i found it helped me alot.

Time will help, it will never go, each morning i awaken and think i hear her shouting mummy whre are you... then reality hits my heart like a dagger. But slowly im learning to live with the pain. xxx take care xxx
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Old 10-15-2012, 09:14 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,431 posts, read 18,139,040 times
Reputation: 18811
Quote:
Originally Posted by DollyWally View Post
No matter what anyone say here or anywhere right now will not really help you i know this.... time itself is the only thing. though even then the pain does not go away... you simply learn to live with it.
I think the people that are telling you what to do/ what not to do.. are as you already know trying to help, but when they say what you should do, they too feel lost as to what to say to you, so atleast if they say something ( most of the time ts far from helpful) they feel asthough they are saying/doing something.

Just take each day as it comes, and thats all you can. Try and imagine what you would be doing with your husband, what you both liked to do, things you wanted to do, and write a sort of bucket list, even small things, like ..play mini golf... and try and carry on with him, knowing he is around you, and most likley doing these things with you.

I'm sure he would hate to see you so destroyed, and his heart will be hurting wishing he was still with you, so talk to him, and say how you feel like he is still there when you need too. And focus on things you can do, not what you feel like you cant.

As another poster said, no one really knows 100% how you feel though they have a good idea. My daughter passed away in July 2011. Shee was almost 2, and even know the days are long, But i have a list, a list of places she would of loved, and i go there , i take my other children who are young, and i imagine her face when we do certain things.

Keep talking even on places like this, and say how you feel, or in a diary, Write down at the end of each day, and then in 6 months read it back, keep doing this, as i found it helped me alot.

Time will help, it will never go, each morning i awaken and think i hear her shouting mummy whre are you... then reality hits my heart like a dagger. But slowly im learning to live with the pain. xxx take care xxx
Are you suggesting that I am telling tngirl what to do because I have nothing else to say to her?? You think my suggestions are not helpful?? I suggest you read each and every thread before barging in here with opinions like that. You don't know us, you don't know the bonds some of us have created with each other.

Sorry about your daughter.
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