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Old 10-14-2012, 02:19 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,737,637 times
Reputation: 7078

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Today was a really difficult day. It started out slowly and I didn't feel quite right most of the morning. Nothing I could put my finger on, just a melancholy, wistful, heart sad day and I didn't know why. I slogged through the morning, started some homemade split pea soup and made a loaf of sourdough bread. I said a kind of "huh" to myself as I realized I made split pea soup the night before I took dh to the airport for Colorado, the last day I saw him alive. When I realized it was three years ago today I last saw him, I just lost it. I was absolutely useless, crying big zub-zub, shoulder shaking, sobs.

That day, Tuesday October 13, 2009, I tood dh to the Tucson Airport for a trip back home to Colorado. We'd come down on the 8th to open up this condo, and then he was flying back to the Springs to close up some loose ends with his law practice, see some clients and let them all know that from Nov. 1 - March 31, he'd be available through Skype for conferences; phone, email, and snail mail, and would be filing cases through Lexis-Nexis. At the airport, I felt a foreboding sense of loss and I grabbed on to him and held him really tight. I was crying, and he said, "Whoa, whoa, honey. What's this all about? I'll be back in three weeks!!" I told him I knew, but that I just felt like I might never see him again and it scared me to death. He pooh-poohed me and said I was being silly. I believed him, but I still hugged him for dear life and told him I didn't know if I could go on should something happen to him. I was just wretching with sobs. He was a little taken aback, and reassured me that everything was fine, not to worry. It was true. He'd had a complete physical, and everything was fine. So, I shook off my fears, and by that evening, he was back home in Colorado and we were talking and laughing and planning what we'd do that winter.

For the next 13 days, we talked, Skyped, and emailed constantly, and on the 25th, a Sunday, we talked and laughed until about midnight my time, 1 a.m. his time. We ended with us saying good bye, love you, can't wait to see you, call me first thing you see me online...etc. I bought his birthday gifts, ordered his cake and bought the fixings for his favorite meal. He was going to be 60 on November 3rd. Monday morning, October 26th, I got up, came in to my computer and saw he was online. I called his office but there was no answer. Odd. So I called home thinking he might be on his laptop at home. Voice mail. I called his cell. Voice mail. I was a little concerned, but it was snowing, roads were bad, cell service was spotty, and since his computer was on, I assumed he was at work. I knew he'd call soon. He always did. Hours went by and I called home, office, cell every hour and nothing. I called a lady in his building to see if he'd come into work, and she said no, he hadn't. I froze and my heart sank and raced. So, I called the Sheriff to do a Welfare check on the house, and called my neighbors to go to the house to find him. It's now 6:00 p.m. --11 hours since I saw him on AOL. Two more hours and I have heard nothing. I call the neighbors but their phones are busy. I call the Sheriff, they're swamped...snow, accidents, etc. No one is telling me anything. I am now beyond panic and helplessness. Finally, I get hold of one of the neighbors. She tells me she went to the house, and Bob was there. I collapsed because I knew what she was going to say. He was lying in the driveway with a snow scraper in his hand. His lunch was on the workbench, the garage door open, the truck running. His coffee was on the counter, his briefcase by the door, and the computer was on. He'd be lying in the driveway, covered with snow as it fell for 12 hours before the Sheriff got there. Still, it wasn't until midnight that the coroner called and oficially told me he was gone. After a completely clean bill of health; heart, lungs, stomach, liver, pancreas, gall bladder, blood work perfect and cardiac stress test perfect, he'd died of a sudden and massive cardiac arrythmia. That was very scary. It was totally unexpected. It took his doctor by complete surprise...

I relived all that today, and I know from now to the 26th will be hell, as will another Halloween, another Nov. 3rd birthday, another Thanksgiving, another of my birthdays, and another Christmas. My favorite time of the year--Halloween to New Years--is now the most horrific of times. Sorry to vent and cry, but this is the time of year it all becomes real and raw again. Thanks for listening...I needed to talk. I was totally blindsided by today.
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Old 10-14-2012, 04:49 AM
 
Location: The Great State of Arkansas
5,981 posts, read 15,895,915 times
Reputation: 7531
Marcy, I'd read your story before - all I can do is extend my heartfelt wishes that you find peace just for today. This must be an awful thing to re-live, but know you are among friends. We will listen and we will care.

Try to get some rest, sweetie....peace.
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Old 10-14-2012, 05:56 AM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 405,024 times
Reputation: 699
Default Difficult days

Marcy, it sounds like you and I were having really difficult days. My heart goes out to you. Difficult as it is, I guess this is just something we have to go through. The pain is so real; I relive my husband's death most every day.

You are not alone, thanks for sharing your story once again. You probably find, like I do, that it helps to write your feelings out and get them out of your head and heart. I think it's good therapy.

I care, and pray that God gives you some peace today and everyday day.

tngirl
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Old 10-14-2012, 09:50 AM
 
1,627 posts, read 2,636,462 times
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Marcy,

Hugs to you. I can't imagine what you went through that day, not getting any answers.
My heart goes out to you and embraces your sorrow.

(((Marcy)))
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Old 10-14-2012, 10:26 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,422 posts, read 18,139,040 times
Reputation: 18778
(((HUGS))) for you, Marcy.
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Old 10-14-2012, 03:36 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,172,988 times
Reputation: 3514
Marcy...I'm so sorry! I don't know you very well yet but I could sure feel all of your emotions and fears and frustration and shock. (And all of the love and closeness you had with your husband too.)..I don't think I'll ever get over losing my husband either. I can relate...I'm so sorry about all you went through and what you'll be facing this month and during the holiday season...Really sorry.
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Old 10-14-2012, 05:16 PM
 
Location: Islip,NY
16,929 posts, read 19,666,757 times
Reputation: 17186
Hugs to you Marcy. I had a similar experience after my Uncle died, he was like a 2nd father to me. And last year I was buying olives to make a dirty martini (he was a bartender for 30 years) and I thought to myself when I get home I am going to call my uncle and ask him if I can just buy olive juice instead of wasting the juice in a jar of olives. I stopped the car and realized he died in 2008 what the heck am I thinking. When I got home I was very upset and crying.
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Old 10-14-2012, 05:24 PM
 
Location: Tulsa, OK
2,444 posts, read 2,229,335 times
Reputation: 5848
HUGS Marcy. I know what it's like to have that forboding. I had the same thing with my hubby. He's gone almost 11 years now. Hang in there....we are here for you.
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Old 10-14-2012, 06:04 PM
 
311 posts, read 355,758 times
Reputation: 498
Hugs & prayers for all of you suffering though this, I'm lucky right now. But I also know that I will have to face what you are facing, one day. Thanks for sharing.
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Old 10-14-2012, 11:20 PM
 
Location: Florida Gulf Coast
4,083 posts, read 5,496,975 times
Reputation: 6407
Oh Marcy, I am so sorry....I can only imagine how panicked you must have been on the day you couldn't reach him....and now realizing the significance of this date. Sending you a big virtual hug....
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