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Old 12-24-2012, 04:04 PM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 405,352 times
Reputation: 699

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Just another thought I wanted to put here while we are on this subject.

I have mentioned before that I am tired of being sad....I want to be happy again. But for the longest time, and maybe even a little now, that ole subject GUILT rears its ugly head. I feel guilty for feeling good or wanting to feel good. I feel somewhat disrespectful to my husband's memory for wanting to move on. Does that make any sense? It sounds silly but is a real feeling for me. I am trying to get beyond that.

Jim and I talked about him dying before he died. That's why he was always trying to teach me how to do things in and around the house....preparing me. He knew I was strong but it was one of his ways of preparing me for the future...without him.

After I went to that Christmas party, a wave of.....relief....life?....assurance?.....came over me and a weight seemed to be lifted. And then when I told my friend about that party and she confided in me that Jim had told her he didn't want to leave me all alone.....well, it just assured me that it's ok and he is still and always will be watching down on me. I know he would want me to get on with my life.....he told me so before he died. And I'll bet each and every one of our husband's is doing the same thing. They are looking down on us, wanting us to go on with our lives and be happy.

The hard part, obviously, is doing it without them!

Is it easy now for me? Certainly not easy! I am, by nature, a distrusting person. Working in law enforcement and the judicial system, I trust no one. So I will have to venture forward very cautiously. Am I over grieving for Jim? Absolutely not! I don't think I will ever stop grieving for him. But like tami said, it is getting a little easier. That is my hope for everyone here.

tngirl
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Old 12-24-2012, 05:47 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
Reputation: 3514
Tami...I hope you have a pleasant night by yourself and enjoy the specials on TV...I'm taking a break now and then I'm going to tidy-up a bit. Just cleaned the cat's boxes...I don't know how I will feel later on but if I need to cry I will!...It's really hard for me to take the cold this year. My cold here in the desert would probably seem warm to people who live in other regions. But it's chilly-chilly for me this year...It's easier for me to go out in 115 to 120 degree days than 50 degree days or 30 degree nights!...I know I'm just worn-down and stressed and even depressed at times..But I do have a way of staying "afloat" and even find something to laugh or smile about once in awhile...And once in a great while I even sing and dance again and get "crazy" and entertain the cats! (And myself!)..How about you? Do you have special ways of trying to perk yourself up?
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Old 12-24-2012, 06:20 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
Reputation: 3514
tngirl...I can relate to what you wrote about guilt..I know my husband wouldn't want me to spend the rest of my life suffering and suffering either...He always told me to trust myself and listen to my own feelings. So he wouldn't want me to throw myself out in the world prematurely (either) if my feelings tell me that I'm not ready yet...We both liked to listen to our feelings and "inner guidance" when possible. (Especially after retirement when we were free.)...I'll never be a "social butterfly." It's not my nature...I'm more of a loner. I like to stay "in" and think and write and do my "own thing." But it's fun to get out once in awhile with close-close friends..Anyway I think my husband probably feels I'm doing okay and maybe a little better than expected...Sometimes I wonder how he might have handled things if I died first. Do you ever think about this?...My husband was so caring and compassionate when my parents and older son died. He had so much patience with me on a day-by-day basis..He was more patient with me than I am with myself. But little by little I'm learning to be a little more tender and compassionate with myself!...How about you? I know I may be "shaky" for awhile and need to cut myself some "slack."
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Old 12-24-2012, 06:51 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
Reputation: 3514
smilinpretty...You do what seems right and best for you...Thanks for taking the time to write. I may end-up crying as the night progresses. It's hard to predict how I will feel from moment to moment at times...I was scheduled to have dinner with a local friend and her family on Thanksgiving but got in a "funk" after I woke-up. (And wished that I could get out of going over to her house.)..But I didn't want to disappoint her...She must have sensed that I wasn't okay because I didn't call earlier...Anyway she called me and I felt better after we talked and got dressed and went over to her house...Most days I don't get calls and no one checks on me. I'm on my own and don't have "accountability" to anyone. (Except my cats and myself.)...Anyway please let us know how you are doing when you feel up to writing...I can call you on the phone tomorrow before I go to my friend's house. Or at night when I get back. Maybe talking would help both of us but you decide. No pressure... Or I can call some other time. You gave me your phone number awhile back ago and I should have called sooner! I like you a lot and always look forward to reading your posts!
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Old 12-24-2012, 09:38 PM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 405,352 times
Reputation: 699
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
tngirl......Sometimes I wonder how he might have handled things if I died first. Do you ever think about this?...My husband was so caring and compassionate when my parents and older son died. He had so much patience with me on a day-by-day basis..He was more patient with me than I am with myself. But little by little I'm learning to be a little more tender and compassionate with myself!...How about you? I know I may be "shaky" for awhile and need to cut myself some "slack."
Yes I think about how he would have handled things if I died first. But since he was pretty much confined to the bed and unable to do things for himself, I always worried about who would take care of him if I died first. It was just unimaginable to think of....and how scary it would have been for him. I'm glad God took him first so he never had to find out who would take care of him.

On another note, tonight I went to our Christmas Eve candlelight service. It was a first for me. We were each given a candle when we entered the sanctuary, and towards the end of the service we lit each others candle, then the lights went out and the Christmas tree lights were lit and we sang "Silent Night." It was very very moving for me. I didn't shed a tear......not until after the service, I told Pastor that that was the most beautiful Christmas eve service I had ever attended.....and with that, the floodgates opened up. He gave me a big bear hug and that made me cry even more. Then his mother came up to me and hugged me (she just lost her husband in October) and told me it was ok. Several others came over and hugged me too. It was just so emotional, and I was so moved by the beauty of the sanctuary, the candles and the love that was there.

I cried all the way home, listening to the radio and "I'll Be Home For Christmas" came on....it was just a little much. It reminded me that I will not be spending Christmas with Jim like I have for the last 32 years. That's a long time to break that tradition. I went over to my adopted family's house and there were a lot of "other" family members there that I don't know that well. It was nice and I was glad to be around people, but now that I am home, I just wanted to share my evening you all of you, my other family.

tngirl
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Old 12-24-2012, 10:41 PM
 
Location: Texas
8,668 posts, read 19,917,306 times
Reputation: 21277
Usually I would just say something like "hope you have a blessed Christmas." Merry does not seem appropriate and if the loss was VERY recent, I would just say, " I'm praying for you this Christmas."
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Old 12-24-2012, 10:45 PM
 
Location: Texas
8,668 posts, read 19,917,306 times
Reputation: 21277
Quote:
Originally Posted by tngirl205 View Post
Just another thought I wanted to put here while we are on this subject.

I have mentioned before that I am tired of being sad....I want to be happy again. But for the longest time, and maybe even a little now, that ole subject GUILT rears its ugly head. I feel guilty for feeling good or wanting to feel good. I feel somewhat disrespectful to my husband's memory for wanting to move on. Does that make any sense? It sounds silly but is a real feeling for me. I am trying to get beyond that.

Jim and I talked about him dying before he died. That's why he was always trying to teach me how to do things in and around the house....preparing me. He knew I was strong but it was one of his ways of preparing me for the future...without him.

After I went to that Christmas party, a wave of.....relief....life?....assurance?.....came over me and a weight seemed to be lifted. And then when I told my friend about that party and she confided in me that Jim had told her he didn't want to leave me all alone.....well, it just assured me that it's ok and he is still and always will be watching down on me. I know he would want me to get on with my life.....he told me so before he died. And I'll bet each and every one of our husband's is doing the same thing. They are looking down on us, wanting us to go on with our lives and be happy.

The hard part, obviously, is doing it without them!

Is it easy now for me? Certainly not easy! I am, by nature, a distrusting person. Working in law enforcement and the judicial system, I trust no one. So I will have to venture forward very cautiously. Am I over grieving for Jim? Absolutely not! I don't think I will ever stop grieving for him. But like tami said, it is getting a little easier. That is my hope for everyone here.

tngirl
I can tell you I never felt guilty for wanting to feel good (or better) after our son's death. I think the term "moving on" is somewhat of a misnomer. I think you do go on with your life ...because you have to. Anyway, I never felt guilty at anytime that I was happy because I know my feelings about Aaron and I know the loss of him was devastating and broke my heart. Any happiness I could feel after that, he would have wanted me to have...if that makes sense.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:55 PM
 
Location: Brooklyn,NY
1,961 posts, read 4,159,021 times
Reputation: 1174
Going to the cemetery tomorrow to see my family and then I am going over my uncle's house. Merry Christmas.
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Old 12-25-2012, 12:55 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,436 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tony22 View Post
Going to the cemetery tomorrow to see my family and then I am going over my uncle's house. Merry Christmas.
May you and your family have a Peaceful Christmas, Tony. Nope, no cemetarys for this kid.
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Old 12-25-2012, 01:02 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,436 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814
Quote:
Originally Posted by tngirl205 View Post
Just another thought I wanted to put here while we are on this subject.

I have mentioned before that I am tired of being sad....I want to be happy again. But for the longest time, and maybe even a little now, that ole subject GUILT rears its ugly head. I feel guilty for feeling good or wanting to feel good. I feel somewhat disrespectful to my husband's memory for wanting to move on. Does that make any sense? It sounds silly but is a real feeling for me. I am trying to get beyond that.

Jim and I talked about him dying before he died. That's why he was always trying to teach me how to do things in and around the house....preparing me. He knew I was strong but it was one of his ways of preparing me for the future...without him.

After I went to that Christmas party, a wave of.....relief....life?....assurance?.....came over me and a weight seemed to be lifted. And then when I told my friend about that party and she confided in me that Jim had told her he didn't want to leave me all alone.....well, it just assured me that it's ok and he is still and always will be watching down on me. I know he would want me to get on with my life.....he told me so before he died. And I'll bet each and every one of our husband's is doing the same thing. They are looking down on us, wanting us to go on with our lives and be happy.

The hard part, obviously, is doing it without them!

Is it easy now for me? Certainly not easy! I am, by nature, a distrusting person. Working in law enforcement and the judicial system, I trust no one. So I will have to venture forward very cautiously. Am I over grieving for Jim? Absolutely not! I don't think I will ever stop grieving for him. But like tami said, it is getting a little easier. That is my hope for everyone here.

tngirl
Guilt. That's why I told smilin' it was not being unfaithful to our husbands by trying to get out of our grief, tn. I felt pangs of guilt when I started to feel better. I don't remember if I gave in or not but apparently I'm doing an okay job of keeping guilt at bay. I know for a fact that Earl would be pissed at me if I didn't get my act together! I'm not looking for a man. I just voice occasionally that I miss human touch. He wanted me to go out straight away and try and find a "replacement"! LOL he knew me but I'm proving stronger than we thought. Which is a pleasant surprise for me.
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