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Old 10-27-2012, 12:58 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,740,923 times
Reputation: 7078

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My name is Marcy. I'm almost 61. My husband died three years ago. He was 8 days short of his 60th birthday. We lived in a small town called Divide, Colorado, and he was a Real Estate attorney in private practice. We also had (have) a condo in Tucson. It was to be our retirement home, and in the meantime, we spent many of our winters there, especially when computer technology advanced and dh could conduct his business through Skype, e-filing Court documents, cell phone and email.

I had come down to Tucson on October 23, 2009 to open up our condo for the winter. Dh was to join me on October 30th. On the morning of October 26th, I saw he had signed on to his AOL account, and I waited for him to call me when he saw me on his Buddy List, and knew I was up and about. He never did. Over the next several hours I called him on the cell, at home and his office but all the calls went to voice mail. Late in the afternoon, I got a call from someone in his building who said he'd never come in and she was worried since there was a lot of snow overnight. I called two neighbors who said they'd go to the house and check on him, and I also called the Sheriff to do a welfare check. I waited two hours and didn't hear from anyone. I called the Sheriff again, and they put me off. I knew something was terribly wrong, and I suddenly was hit by the realization that he was dead. I called the neighbors back and both their lines were busy, so I tried again. One neighbor answered and told me the Sheriff had told them to take their phones off the hook and not talk to me. I asked if dh was dead, and he said yes, his wife had found him in the driveway where he'd been for 10 hours. The car was still running, the garage door open, and yet no one had reported it. He was covered in snow, lying on his back with the snow scraper by his side and his eyes wide open. About 3 hours later the coroner finally called me. Dh and I were best friends. We were each other's rock, inseparable, married almost 40 years. When he died, my world as I knew it ended, and I was suddenly alone and on my own. I was paralyzed with grief. I had been a hermit as our home was very rural, and we didn't socialize much. It didn't suit us. We were very much homebodies, but we also loved to travel. I miss our years and years of road trips around the U.S. very much.

For the next two years, I went through the darkest days of my life. Three months after dh died, I sold my house, moved to Tucson and a few months later my youngest child moved back home, which probably saved my life as I had him to live for. My other three kids are in Kansas City, KS, Atlanta, GA and Dallas, TX. I have six grandchildren. I don't see them as I can't afford to fly to each of them each year, and they have schedules that keep them busy year round.

I had gone to grief counselling which did not help me in the least. I was moving through my grief much too slowly for most of the members. I stopped going after about two months. Then, I found this site, and it's been wonderful. I finally have people to talk to who know what it's like to lose the love of your life, who don't judge you, and who offer up friendship and understanding. With their help, I'm doing well. Time has made a big difference, as have making a couple of friends and volunteering in my community. I'm still very much a hermit when I'm not working with our HOA budget or Landscape Architects for the landscape management committee. I spend a lot of time on the computer, and I spend quiet evenings at home.

I am still grieving after three years, but then again, I'm still missing my parents who died in 1989. I wear my wedding rings, and have no interest in dating or having another relationship. I'm going forward alone, with no family nearby, still trying to find out who I am as a widow, and not someone's wife, and where I fit into this world.
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Old 10-27-2012, 12:02 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,438 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814
What beautiful posts. Thank you for sharing.

I'm taking this opportunity of a chatroom to do just that...chat. Would anyone else like to join me? I'd really like to get know to you ladies better. I like y'all!

Right now I am "batting down the hatches" with hurricane Sandy approaching. I really should be going down to the other house too but I'm too tired to go. I have MS and lots of times I am just too physically tired to keep pushing myself. I have "given myself" a bout of the MS by pushing my body too far sometimes. Especially during the winter when I have to shovel snow. So I've crossed my fingers, said a prayer and take what comes. Earl and I cut a vacation short one time to come back and help each of our dads' get ready for the hurricane that was approaching and then there was nothing except rain. This house here is right on the coast but the "other" house is inland more so this place is in more jeapordy every time we get a Nor'easter or hurricane.

Break time is over. HAGD everyone. TTYAL.
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Old 10-27-2012, 03:31 PM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 405,352 times
Reputation: 699
Be careful tami, hope it's just some rain. I'll be thinking and prayer for y'all.
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Old 10-27-2012, 03:55 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,438 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814
Thanks, tn. I will be careful. We probably will loose power so I may not be on after tomorrow night. I'll post and keep ya up to date as long as I can.
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Old 10-27-2012, 06:20 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,434 posts, read 28,526,733 times
Reputation: 19578
Tami we are supposed to get some bad weather down here in Virginia as well. Be careful!

I'm Robyn, Hello! I am almost 39 now, but when I was 21, I lost my dad. He was always pretty healthy, but did have heart problems. He had a sore on his neck that was just not healing and I became concerned and asked him to tell his dr about it, and he did. The strangest thing is that my father was in that office 2x a week getting his coumadin levels checked and no one ever noticed.

Turns out my dad had colon cancer and that was removed. He was doing pretty well but none of that was the real scary part. I saw my dad have a heart attack when I was a little girl, 5. I had no idea what was going on, but it felt like he was being taken away from me. Not long after my dad was through with the colon cancer surgery his heart started acting up again and he needed a quadruple bypass.

It was really tough seeing him in the ICU hooked up to so many things. I really couldn't see through my tears back then. When they did his bypass they also found that he had lymphoma.

My dad was 73 when he died and I took care of him. It really became tough towards the end, balancing my 11 month old son and taking care of my father, but I did it. I remember a week before he passed I was trying to get him to eat something, he just looked like he was melting away. He took my hand in his own and said to me, "Robbie, do you think I am going to make it?" I think that was the first time and only time I ever lied to my father. I told him yes.

He ended up in the emergency room because his body was filling with fluid and he could not breathe. The ER dr told me I would never take care of him at home again, and I told him I would never put him in a home. We were both right because my father passed the next morning.

I was at home with my baby and his dr called me and told me to get there to say my goodbyes. My mother was already there and my father passed about 20 minutes after I got there. My mother said she couldn't take it and she left. I had to decide which funeral home to have come. I had to inform my family members. They already knew how bad off he was and they needed to get there.

I ended up in the ICU waiting room for a while just crying, a couple of little old ladies kept telling me it was going to be ok. I couldn't really talk so I just shook my head no. I went back to the hospital room and they were tagging my father and putting him in a bad and I kept telling them that no, they cat do that! My sister had not gotten there and when she did, she had to see my dad in a body bag.

That was awful. I lost my mom five years later, but that is another story for another day.

My grandma passed about a year after that, one of my aunts a year before my mother, and an aunt and uncle between my mom and grandma. I also have one brother who passed not long after my dad and another uncle just last year.

I've seen a lot of death and I am not afraid of dying. What I am afraid of is the hurt others will feel when I do. The dead are fine when they are gone, it is those they leave behind who are suffering.

Last edited by Pikantari; 10-27-2012 at 06:49 PM..
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Old 10-28-2012, 01:47 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,740,923 times
Reputation: 7078
Tami, stay safe! I have tons of friends (lived in CT for all my Junior High, High School and went to college in RI for two years) in New England, and they're taking precautions, but trying to be optomistic!! I have another friend in Hilo, HI and they're bracing for a tsunami at 10:28 p.m. HST (in about an hour here-- 1:28 a.m. PDT & MST, 4:28 a.m. EDT), so I'm watching the live stream of KHNL and texting back and forth with her. She's outside of Hilo and on mandatory evacuations. All our coastlines getting storms...
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Old 10-28-2012, 02:07 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,740,923 times
Reputation: 7078
Robyn, I know how you feel. My parents died within 8 months of each other in 1989 when I was 37. My kids were 16, 13, 5 and newborn. I took care of my dad (mom passed first) for a couple of weeks (he had shingles, but it was discovered at the time, he also had advanced cirrhosis from Hep B. He went downhill rapidly, and I had to put him in a hospital as he was mostly in and out of consciousness, and was beyond my capability to take care of him. He went into a coma, and died a few days later.

In 2004 my brother died at age 39 of a massive heart attack, then in 2008, my sister also died of a massive heart attack, and finally in 2009, my husband died of what they claimed was a cardiac arrythmia, but no autopsy was done, so we don't really know how he died, and finally, in 2010, my oldest brother died of lymphoma. It down to where I'm feeling like an abandoned orphan--kids nowhere near, siblings gone, parents gone, all aunts and uncles gone. I'm down to one older brother, two nieces, and a nephew. So much death around you, it's a wonder we remember what it's like not to be grieving all the time. That still doesn't make it easy by any means. And each person is different, with a different relationship you shared, so you grieve differently. My husband's death tore me to emotional shreds like I've never felt before. I thought I would die when my parents passed, but then 15 years later, my baby brother, and then my little sister. We're going out from last to first which means I'm next, then John gets to be the sole survivor. I just want the dying to stop. I'm tired of being emotionally spent and empty. I hope you'll keep dropping in for some chat and cyber coffee!
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Old 10-28-2012, 07:49 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,438 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814
Good morning everyone! It sure is windy out there already! Even the dog doesn't want to go out again! They sy the rain won't start until this evening. The birds outside are still there so that's good.

Marcy, I didn't know Hawaii was having rotten weather too. Did you mean typhoon instead of tsunami? Typhoon is a hurricane. Tsunami is the giants waves. Hope your friend will be okay.

I'm using the electric heater my SIL let my hubby borrow until we loose power, then I'll switch to the propane heat 'cause it's chilly here. 55 but could be worse!

You all have a great day and stay safe.
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Old 10-28-2012, 01:53 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,434 posts, read 28,526,733 times
Reputation: 19578
Marcy, so sorry for all of your loss. Sometimes it just seems like it never stops, and truthfully, it doesn't. I am hoping you are keeping yourself taken care of. I learned as a young person that the depression that comes along with all of the caregiving and the eventual death is such a bad thing for a person. I was in a pretty bad way for 6 months after my father passed, so I know.

I am always concerned with health issues because of all of the cancer between the both of my parents and the heart disease in my father. My grandmother had a few 'mini strokes' along the way as well as a stroke, so I am also concerned with that. I have had one TIA, and possibly another and am currently having some cardio issues along with my 'normal' health problems.

You guys are serving coffee here?!?!? I am in! =)
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Old 10-28-2012, 03:59 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,438 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814
Do you still have power, Pikan? You should be getting blasted by now I think. Stay safe.

I'm very sorry to hear of your health issues. I'd be a basket case if I had a bum ticker. The Lord be with you. (((HUGS)))
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