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Old 11-03-2012, 09:50 AM
 
Location: Philaburbia
31,165 posts, read 57,302,589 times
Reputation: 52030

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I marked the one-year anniversary of my spouse's death on October 29. He was 49, and died after a two-year battle with pancreatic cancer, which included surgery, radiation, and chemo, a year of remission, and then two more types of chemo when the cancer recurred. He died the day of the 2011 October snowstorm on the East Coast; the snow added to the surreality of the day.

The blessings in his passing -- and they were huge -- were that he was in no pain, and that he was bedridden for only about a week. He died at home, in our bed, with me next to him, which is what he wanted. I guess we should all be so lucky.

Someone on this forum (thank you!) told me the actual anniversary of his death would not be as bad as the anticipation of the day; that was true although I was not at home alone or at work; I spent a long weekend with my sister and her family and that was a welcome distraction.

For the most part I have been floundering; my friends and family don't live close by, my in-laws are close by but have not been all that supportive, nor have I sought any outside help or counseling. I go to work, I feed the cats, I maintain the house, visit with various neighbors occasionally, and I travel to visit my friends and family, but that's about it.

Maybe I was just waiting for that first year to be up, and now I can go about making a new life? I still haven't decided if I want to stay here -- we had a long-distance relationship and I moved to be with him -- or if I want to move. As long as I'm employed here, there's no pressure to make that decision, and in the meantime I'm fixing up the house just in case.
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Old 11-03-2012, 10:51 AM
Status: "Amused by BF." (set 7 days ago)
 
Location: Ontario, Canada
23,276 posts, read 12,061,902 times
Reputation: 10634
Ohiogirl, it seems to me your healing is coming along. One day, perhaps sooner than you realize, a new path will appear - one with promise.
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Old 11-04-2012, 12:33 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,740,923 times
Reputation: 7078
Ohiogirl, I'm so sorry for your loss. I just had the third anniversary October 26th. Many of us on this forum don't have family close by, and have felt lonliness. We've had to take our journeys through grief without much support. Grief has no timetable. Some people move on quickly, others take much longer. There's no right or wrong, it's what feels right to you. Don't rush yourself. When you're ready for a change ~~ move, relationship, redecorating or changing the message on the phone ~~ you'll know it. I'm glad you're not feeling pressure. Listen to your heart and do what feels right for you, not what people tell you to do. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you'll visit again!
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Old 11-04-2012, 06:28 AM
 
Location: Philaburbia
31,165 posts, read 57,302,589 times
Reputation: 52030
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1210 View Post
When you're ready for a change ~~ move, relationship, redecorating or changing the message on the phone ~~ you'll know it.
Thanks, Marcy. I didn't have a choice about the message on the phone, though -- Hurricane Sandy fried the answering machine!
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Old 11-04-2012, 05:38 PM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 405,352 times
Reputation: 699
Default Grief and all its emotions

Ohiogirl, I am so sorry for your loss. It has been 7 months since my husband of 32 years passed away. I hope you find the love, comfort and support that I have found in this wonderful forum.

Several weeks after he died, I talked to my friend's pastor at a small country church (Lutheran) who was wonderful and invited me to come to church. I thought, boy, I can just see me going to church after all these years, and after losing Jim, I will sit there and bawl the whole service. I started attending in a couple of months after he died. I never shed a tear. I was welcomed by everyone there, literally with open arms. I found such love and comfort in hearing God's word and strengthening my faith. I joined the church and realized that God put all the right people in my life at the time when I needed them the most.

It's been 7 months now since he has gone. Today was All Saints Day at our church, where we honored all the loved ones who have departed since last year. Pastor had asked everyone to write down the name of their loved one who was departed so he could read it during prayer.

The service started out with a hymn that talks about the suffering that our loved ones had here on earth and how they are no longer suffering in Heaven. It immediately reminded me of all the suffering Jim endured for all those years, and how relieved I am that he is no longer suffering. Well, the floodgates opened and I cried during the entire service. Each hymn was symbolic, the sermon was symbolic, even our pastor chocked back the tears a few times (he is a great speaker).

Then, during the prayer, the Pastor read the names of our departed loved ones. Jim's name was last. After he read each name, the organist played a chime, like a bell tolling, with a pause before the next name was read. It was very beautiful.....but by this time, I was almost sobbing. The service was over shortly after that and several of the women came up and hugged me and comforted me and told me they loved me.

It has been such an emotional day for me. Just when I thought things were going smoothly, this new wave of grief has gotten a hold of me. It just goes to show that you never know what is in store for us. I know time will ease the pain a little, and I will continue to try to get through each day as it comes.

I knew I had to share this with all of you, my family, because I knew you would understand. Thanks for being there for me and listening.
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Old 11-05-2012, 07:45 AM
 
3,893 posts, read 9,363,105 times
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I'm so sorry for all you and your Jim have gone through. I'm happy to hear you have found a source of comfort, though. There's nothing like people who let you be strong, fall apart, reminisce, move on, and just meet you where you are on your grief journey. There's no map, and all grief is unique. Those who respect that are priceless.
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Old 11-05-2012, 12:37 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,435 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814
Aww, tn, a (((HUG))) to you through my tears.
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Old 11-05-2012, 01:42 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,434 posts, read 28,526,733 times
Reputation: 19578
Going back to church is hard for me because I seem to get torn up every time..... I know it has been a long time since I have lost my parents, 95 for my dad and 00 for my mom but it is all still there.

I used to be very active in the church, a Sunday school teacher, leader in the childrens church, and in the choir but little by little it drifts away.

I have tried to find a good home church here but it hasn't worked yet. When I go home to visit my parents graves on their birthdays or mothers day or fathers day, if it is a Sunday I will go back to church.

Otherwise, I am not involved. Every weekend my friend invites me to go and I always have a reason. This weekend the kids will be visiting so I cant go. Maybe I will make it a point to go next weekend and try out the new church she found. I guess I just need to jump in and do it.

Sitting here and thinking about is a bit difficult. It all sounds weird as I type it out, but it is what it is. I think I try to be too strong.

Seems that sometimes we are taught that tears make us weak. By not going to church, there are not as many tears...
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Old 11-05-2012, 01:45 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,434 posts, read 28,526,733 times
Reputation: 19578
There was a day about a month or so ago that I was just having a really tough time. I was feeling really hurt and it was just one of those days that I needed my dad. It was a relationship issue and one would think I needed my mom but no.

There have been many times where I have just felt the need for one of them or both of them and after all of these years, it is still hard knowing that just is not going to happen....
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Old 11-05-2012, 03:22 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,435 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814
[quote=Pikantari;26815880]There was a day about a month or so ago that I was just having a really tough time. I was feeling really hurt and it was just one of those days that I needed my dad. It was a relationship issue and one would think I needed my mom but no.

There have been many times where I have just felt the need for one of them or both of them and after all of these years, it is still hard knowing that just is not going to happen....[/quote]

I so hear you about that one, Pik. Many others do too, especially the only children on here. Not taking away anything from those with siblings but IMO only children are so much more attatched to their parents. We have NO ONE ELSE except them from birth. So, please, do not get upset with me for giving MO.
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