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Old 11-05-2012, 04:36 PM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 403,950 times
Reputation: 699

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Quote:
Originally Posted by akm4 View Post
I'm so sorry for all you and your Jim have gone through. I'm happy to hear you have found a source of comfort, though. There's nothing like people who let you be strong, fall apart, reminisce, move on, and just meet you where you are on your grief journey. There's no map, and all grief is unique. Those who respect that are priceless.
akm, thank you for your reply! I agree with what you said about those who understand our grief and are there to help along the way. There are several widows at my church, and they certainly can relate. And you said it best, "Those who respect that are priceless." I agree. Thank YOU for understanding, it means the world to me.
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Old 11-05-2012, 05:40 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,434 posts, read 28,465,971 times
Reputation: 19578
[quote=tamiznluv;26817405]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pikantari View Post
There was a day about a month or so ago that I was just having a really tough time. I was feeling really hurt and it was just one of those days that I needed my dad. It was a relationship issue and one would think I needed my mom but no.

There have been many times where I have just felt the need for one of them or both of them and after all of these years, it is still hard knowing that just is not going to happen....[/quote]

I so hear you about that one, Pik. Many others do too, especially the only children on here. Not taking away anything from those with siblings but IMO only children are so much more attatched to their parents. We have NO ONE ELSE except them from birth. So, please, do not get upset with me for giving MO.
Well, that is understandable. I was the baby and the rest of my brothers and sisters are a bit older than I am. Most of them were gone from the house when I came along. My parents had me later in life.

I also was both of their care givers for a nice little while and was with them when they passed. Well, with my father, and I left my mothers room for a couple of minutes and she passed.

I think I had a closer bond with my parents than the others did. I was very attached to my parents, the both of them.

If I did not have siblings, I do still have other people in my family, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Did you have no other family such as those that I listed?

I think losing a parent is losing a parent, no matter if you have siblings or not....
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Old 11-05-2012, 08:42 PM
 
3,892 posts, read 9,351,598 times
Reputation: 3042
Quote:
Originally Posted by tngirl205 View Post
akm, thank you for your reply! I agree with what you said about those who understand our grief and are there to help along the way. There are several widows at my church, and they certainly can relate. And you said it best, "Those who respect that are priceless." I agree. Thank YOU for understanding, it means the world to me.
I just noticed you're in Middle TN! I'm in Franklin!
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Old 11-05-2012, 10:35 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,313 posts, read 18,082,888 times
Reputation: 18690
[quote=Pikantari;26819302]
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post

Well, that is understandable. I was the baby and the rest of my brothers and sisters are a bit older than I am. Most of them were gone from the house when I came along. My parents had me later in life.

I also was both of their care givers for a nice little while and was with them when they passed. Well, with my father, and I left my mothers room for a couple of minutes and she passed.

I think I had a closer bond with my parents than the others did. I was very attached to my parents, the both of them.

If I did not have siblings, I do still have other people in my family, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Did you have no other family such as those that I listed?

I think losing a parent is losing a parent, no matter if you have siblings or not....
I suppose.

No, everyone is dead on my mother's side and she wouldn't allow me to know my paternal side of the family.
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Old 11-05-2012, 11:35 PM
 
Location: Florida Gulf Coast
4,076 posts, read 5,478,425 times
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I just saw this thread for the first time -- right after I had posted an "off-topic" post on another thread....sorry! TNGirl, in the other post, I wrote how I also attended a Memorial Mass on Fri. night and it has set me off on a new wave of grief. And then I saw your post about the exact same thing! That's why this forum is so invaluable.

For those who don't know me, I lost my Mom (89) in Feb. She lived in an assisted-living in FL, in her own room, and one night she fell, hit her head and suffered a "catastrophic brain bleed", due to having been on blood-thinners (Plavix) after a stroke in '05. I flew to her side the next morning, and she lived for six days in basically a comatose state before her heart finally gave out. I've been kind of a mess ever since. I'm an only child, no husband, adult son with his own issues, and was extremely close to my Mom. She was really like my best friend, and I'm lost without her. Not to mention the awful feeling of not knowing what exactly happened, what made her fall, whether she was scared, whether she was conscious after she fell, whether I could've prevented it if I had called that night (I hadn't called her because I had gotten home late and didn't want to wake her, plus I saw that she had sent an e-mail at 6 PM so I figured I'd call her the next day). I'm just still in a state of shock about the whole thing. Yes, she was elderly and lived a good, long life, but her death was so sudden and awful to think about. My little Mom. I hope she wasn't afraid and that she's in a happy place with the rest of her beloved family.
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Old 11-06-2012, 06:34 AM
 
Location: NoVa
18,434 posts, read 28,465,971 times
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(((tamizinluv)))

I just read Avalon08s post and it made me think of those last moments. I have to wonder how they were feeling, what they were thinking. Were they ready? Did they feel guilt or incompletion? Were there more things they wanted to do or were they just ready? Did they know it was their time and did they just embrace it or did they fight it?

I obviously have time on my hands to think of these things. I don't think my mom was ready. Even though in the end, she was in a comatose state, I don't think she was ready. I do think she embraced the ability to have the strength to somehow not die in front of me. I left the room for no more than 2 minutes, and I was with her in there the whole day and I came back and she was gone. I think that she waited for me to leave.

I don't think my father had a choice in the matter. His body filled with fluid and he basically drowned in it. That was tough. I was very young and I was there when he left me and I just wanted someone to bring him back.....

Hugs to you all today.
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Old 11-06-2012, 06:38 AM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 403,950 times
Reputation: 699
Quote:
Originally Posted by akm4 View Post
I just noticed you're in Middle TN! I'm in Franklin!
Well, it really is a small world after all....I'm in McMinnville! Hello fellow Tennesseean
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Old 11-06-2012, 07:01 AM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 403,950 times
Reputation: 699
Dear Avalon, I used to hang out at the Retirement Forum all the time. For years I read about where people are retiring too, and thinking what I would do if my husband passed before me, as he had been in declining health for several years. I remember reading your posts there.

Well, it came true when he passed away April 1, 2012. I am now trying to move on without him. After 32 years of marriage, it is tough, I'll tell you.

Avalon, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. It sounds like you had a special, loving relationship with her. I'm sure she loved and appreciated you for all that you did for her. I understand the questions you have about her fall and have probably beaten yourself up a million times for not being there at the last moment.

My husband had been sleeping most of the day (as he usually did) and around suppertime I tried to arouse him to see if he wanted anything to eat. He could barely open his eyes and his breathing was getting more and more labored. I decided just to let him sleep, thinking that if he needed me he would call out to me. At about 10 p.m., his breathing was almost like gasping at this point. I knew, deep down in my heart, that this was probably the end. I tried to arouse him and no response. Looking back, I wished I had just stayed with him, but for me, it was extremely painful to watch that labored breathing. Because now I wonder, did he try to call out for me, reach out for me...and I wasn't there? Guilt is, I guess, one of the processes of grieving.

I went to bed, thinking that I would just lay down and listen for him. I was exhausted, worrying about what was coming. I fell asleep and got up about 5:30 a.m. I went to the door of his bedroom and he laid there, still. I knew. I just knew he was gone. And I am so full of guilt that I could not bring myself to go in there and feel for a pulse. I called 9-1-1, then called my neighbor, who checked and said he was gone. The EMTs and funeral director said he probably had died about midnight.

I choose to believe that he just took that last breath in an unconscious state. He was ready, we had talked it about many, many times. I don't know how I would feel if I had been there and actually saw him take his last breath. Would he have known I was there with him? I just don't know. I do know that every single night, before going to bed, he told me "Thank you for all that you do for me." I know your mom felt the same way about you.

So now you have come to the right place to grieve for her, for everyone here has gone through some form of loss and grieving. I'm telling you, this forum has been such a godsend for me. THIS is my therapy, THIS is my support system, THIS is my new family. Keeper and Sam I Am have pushed for this forum and it just seems to be growning. The need is so great and the posts are so comforting. For me, putting my thoughts and feelings down in written form is a great form of therapy.

Avalon, I hope and pray that you will gain strength, love and support from all who come here. I pray that God will wrap His arms around you and give you peace. Please visit often and let us know how you are doing, we all care. We truly, truly care.

tngirl
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Old 11-07-2012, 12:54 AM
 
Location: Florida Gulf Coast
4,076 posts, read 5,478,425 times
Reputation: 6396
Awww, thanks so much, TNGirl. I know losing an elderly parent is not like losing a spouse, and sometimes I feel kind of silly for posting here about my ongoing grief issues....but I can't really talk to anyone else about it. They've all moved on and expect that I have, too. One of my cousins (the one who said "She lived a good long life") was just talking to me recently about it, and mentioned Mom's "quality of life", as if I should feel comforted that my Mom is gone now since her quality of life had declined the past few years (in my cousin's eyes). I really pushed back on that one. No matter how frail my Mom had become, she was still happy to be alive, mentally sharp, and enjoying even the littlest things in life, like sitting outside the assisted-living on a nice spring evening, or playing Bingo, or looking at my e-mailed photos of the grand-dogs that she loved so much. Who is to say that someone's life is not worth living anymore?

Just to clarify, I was with my Mom when she took her last breath. I wasn't with her when she took her fall, as she was in assisted-living in FL and I was in PA. She was found on the floor by an aide only an hour or two after the last time she had been checked, before she went to bed. That's the part I feel so bad about -- how did she fall and whether she was scared and whether she was conscious at all before the bleeding in her brain became so overwhelming. But anyway, they kept her on life support in ICU until I got there the next day, but she was clearly too far gone. However, she lived six days after the respirator was removed, and luckily I was there when she took her last breath. I may have mentioned before -- the way it happened was very spiritual. I had just put my cell phone up to Mom's ear so my eldest cousin (who is now the new family matriarch) could say hello. (You never know what the comatose can hear, as you know.) When I took the phone back and was saying goodbye to my cousin, my Mom took her last breath as I was watching her. It was as if she waited to hear my cousin's voice, handed over the reins to the new matriarch, and knew that my cousin would be there to support me. I was just amazed that she picked that exact moment, after six days, to pass over. One of the things my Mom always worried about, with my being an only child, was whether her family would be there for me if anything happened to her.

Thank you for your kind words of support, and please know that I feel the same about you and everyone on here who is grieving. This is truly a wonderful, comforting haven for us.
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Old 11-07-2012, 10:21 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,917 posts, read 24,009,758 times
Reputation: 10711
Tw years ago I lost my brother to esphogael cancer. This year a close friends 33 year old daughter died from an over dose of vodka and pills...

In July after being ill for two months I lost my father, then on the heels of that my sons' friend suddenly lost his 38 year old wife who contracted a virus that attacked her heart.

I'm so numb I don't think I've even really grieved for my father yet..miss him so much but the tears have not come yet..maybe I'm not normal
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