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Old 02-26-2014, 09:21 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
Reputation: 3514

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mtn. States Resident View Post
Yah, I kind of thought of who wasn't around anymore.

MSR
I think we're all entitled to our feelings. I know it can be disheartening when we don't hear from everyone or certain people after a loss...I grew-up as an only child in a small family and I've never had a big circle or network of friends...I've gotten used to "going it alone" and don't expect "much" from others. I was always surprised when I received cards or notes or even an offer or "support." (After all the deaths in my family.) This was "icing" on the cake. But I've gotten used to living without "icing." (I guess.)
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Old 02-26-2014, 12:34 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,431 posts, read 18,144,759 times
Reputation: 18811
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
I think we're all entitled to our feelings. I know it can be disheartening when we don't hear from everyone or certain people after a loss...I grew-up as an only child in a small family and I've never had a big circle or network of friends...I've gotten used to "going it alone" and don't expect "much" from others. I was always surprised when I received cards or notes or even an offer or "support." (After all the deaths in my family.) This was "icing" on the cake. But I've gotten used to living without "icing." (I guess.)
Me too, CA, so it didn't take me long to forget about those who I thought had been rude in the wake of Earl' s death. I moved along rather quickly in those regards.
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Old 02-27-2014, 06:55 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
Reputation: 3514
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Me too, CA, so it didn't take me long to forget about those who I thought had been rude in the wake of Earl' s death. I moved along rather quickly in those regards.
Tami...Good for you...Life is just too short and "iffy" to hold on to grudges. This is how I feel anyway.
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Old 02-27-2014, 11:10 PM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,739,165 times
Reputation: 7078
I, too, was an only child and had just a small circle of friends as a child/teen/adult. I'm actually more comfortable being alone as that's how I grew up. So, when I didn't receive a condolence or a card form some of the people I thought for sure would write, I just became cynical. What really got me though, were all the clients, who had been really good clients for 20+ years, who chose to stiff the estate (indirectly Bob himself) by not paying their legal bills. It was kind of like, "He's dead, why bother paying the bill. He won't know." Maybe not, but his lawyer and accountant (and wife) knew, and took you to Court. Lots of stingy people out there who don't mind stiffing a stiff...THAT pissed me off big time...Bob worked his ass off for those people, solving real estate problems, writing wills, setting up trusts, and they screw him when he dies. I was livid that people Bob respected and trusted for years and years could shaft him in a heartbeat like that...
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Old 02-28-2014, 09:39 AM
 
Location: NoVa
18,434 posts, read 28,520,978 times
Reputation: 19578
You know,I don't think I really paid attention to that when my parents passed. I think I was more wrapped up in the loss of my parents.

I will tell you there was a time when I knowingly did not do it myself. My nephew lost his baby girl. I was heartbroken for he and his wife, for my brother and his wife.

I had no idea what to say. What do you say? What can you say? I regret it all these years later, but I truly had no idea what I could say. I was going through a rough time myself then, and there was not much inspiration coming from my current life at that time.
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Old 02-28-2014, 01:31 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,431 posts, read 18,144,759 times
Reputation: 18811
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1210 View Post
I, too, was an only child and had just a small circle of friends as a child/teen/adult. I'm actually more comfortable being alone as that's how I grew up. So, when I didn't receive a condolence or a card form some of the people I thought for sure would write, I just became cynical. What really got me though, were all the clients, who had been really good clients for 20+ years, who chose to stiff the estate (indirectly Bob himself) by not paying their legal bills. It was kind of like, "He's dead, why bother paying the bill. He won't know." Maybe not, but his lawyer and accountant (and wife) knew, and took you to Court. Lots of stingy people out there who don't mind stiffing a stiff...THAT pissed me off big time...Bob worked his ass off for those people, solving real estate problems, writing wills, setting up trusts, and they screw him when he dies. I was livid that people Bob respected and trusted for years and years could shaft him in a heartbeat like that...
Did you get what was rightfully yours, Marcy? I am stunned to hear that!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pikantari View Post
You know,I don't think I really paid attention to that when my parents passed. I think I was more wrapped up in the loss of my parents.

I will tell you there was a time when I knowingly did not do it myself. My nephew lost his baby girl. I was heartbroken for he and his wife, for my brother and his wife.

I had no idea what to say. What do you say? What can you say? I regret it all these years later, but I truly had no idea what I could say. I was going through a rough time myself then, and there was not much inspiration coming from my current life at that time.
Have you spoken to your brother and SIL about it, Pic? I hope your relationship didn't suffer greatly.
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Old 02-28-2014, 02:06 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,434 posts, read 28,520,978 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Did you get what was rightfully yours, Marcy? I am stunned to hear that!



Have you spoken to your brother and SIL about it, Pic? I hope your relationship didn't suffer greatly.
We are all fine. Honestly I think they were all so heartbroken over the loss they probably didn't even notice.

She was nine months old and had to have surgery. The surgery went well, but the anesthesia took her life.

Awful.
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Old 02-28-2014, 02:59 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
Reputation: 3514
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pikantari View Post
We are all fine. Honestly I think they were all so heartbroken over the loss they probably didn't even notice.

She was nine months old and had to have surgery. The surgery went well, but the anesthesia took her life.

Awful.
How sad...
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Old 02-28-2014, 03:05 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
Reputation: 3514
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1210 View Post
I, too, was an only child and had just a small circle of friends as a child/teen/adult. I'm actually more comfortable being alone as that's how I grew up. So, when I didn't receive a condolence or a card form some of the people I thought for sure would write, I just became cynical. What really got me though, were all the clients, who had been really good clients for 20+ years, who chose to stiff the estate (indirectly Bob himself) by not paying their legal bills. It was kind of like, "He's dead, why bother paying the bill. He won't know." Maybe not, but his lawyer and accountant (and wife) knew, and took you to Court. Lots of stingy people out there who don't mind stiffing a stiff...THAT pissed me off big time...Bob worked his ass off for those people, solving real estate problems, writing wills, setting up trusts, and they screw him when he dies. I was livid that people Bob respected and trusted for years and years could shaft him in a heartbeat like that...
Marcy...I'm sorry you had to deal with all of this after Bob died.
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Old 02-28-2014, 03:51 PM
 
Location: WY
4,908 posts, read 3,486,368 times
Reputation: 5380
This is a bit of a long, convoluted story, so apologies for that up front.

When I called my ex-husband to let him know that his son had died, his response to me was to ask me to send him an email when I found out Sean's cause of death. He hadn't stayed in touch with either of his sons over the years, and that was entirely his choice.

Now go back 24 years. My parents were living in Australia (along with my six brothers and sisters) and I was living in Canada. I had a challenging child hood, my parents were toxic and destructive for each other, and as the oldest child I spent a lot of time trying to be my mothers' mother. When my father was abusive towards my mother I grew up trying to protect her. When she learned of one more affair, I was the one who watched her cry and then helplessly tried to make her feel better. When I needed my mother (as a child and as an adult) she didn't have it in her to be there for me.

And then one day she called me again, needing me to make her feel better, and on that particular day I couldn't do it anymore. On the phone I told her that I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't solve her problems, I couldn't make her life better, I wasn't her mother, she was MY mother, and until she was ready to BE my mother please don't call me anymore. She told me fine - she wouldn't bother me again - and hung up on me.

I didn't hear from her again for two years, when she called me to tell me that my younger sister had died from breast cancer. She wanted me to make her feel better, but I was living in a very cold northern Ontario town, working long hours in a demanding job that was going very badly, while also raising two little boys alone, and I couldn't make her feel better. Our conversation was short. I never heard from her again.

Over the years my other sister and I emailed a couple of times a year (I haven't seen her since she was 14 and I was 18), and I asked my sister to not keep my mother up-to-date on what was happening with me. At that point I really felt like for my own sanity that I just needed to back away from my parents, so yes.......I consciously walked away from them.

About a year after Sean died I was surfing around Facebook sites, and I found both my ex-husbands' and my mothers FB pages. Because I had asked my sister to keep my contact information to herself I really wasn't sure whether my mother even knew that her grandson had died (my parents bounced back and forth between Canada and Australia a few times before finally deciding to settle once and for all in Australia, so they had both met Sean a number of times when they were in the same country as me). My mother had provided condolences to my ex-husband on his FB page for the loss of his son. So she knew.

I couldn't understand why my mother hadn't expressed condolences to me. Even if we were estranged, Sean was still her grandson. She was still my mother. How could a mother not find a way to contact her daughter when her daughters' son had died? I couldn't fathom it.

Just before Christmas I finally contacted my mother. I don't have FB but my husband does, and I sent her a message. It wasn't a loving message. It wasn't an abusive message, but it was short and it WAS direct.

I reminded her of our conversation many years before, when I told her that she was my mother and to not contact me again until she was ready to be my mother. She never ever contacted me when Sean died. Even if she didn't want to talk to me, what kind of mother would not send condolences when her daughter lost her son? What kind of grandmother wouldn't acknowledge the death of her grandson? When she was on HER death bed I wanted her to remember that she had let her daughter down in the worst possible way.

Her response was equally short. Yes, I had suffered. But she suffered as well when Susan (my sister) died. It never goes away, but it gets easier with time. She hoped that I will be happy in the future. She doesn't think she deserves what I wrote to her.

That was it.

At that point I decided that it was best to leave it at that. There was nowhere for my mother and I to go from there, and so I did not respond back.

A couple of weeks later my sister emailed me out of the blue and asked for my physical address and I gave it to her. Last week I received a package in the mail from my sister. It contained things from my mother - newspaper clippings of me when I was an athlete as a teenager. A few pictures of me. A few pictures of Sean. My mother had given them to my sister, to send to me.

Initially I was pleased to get the newspaper clippings because much of what I had, had gotten lost over the years. But then my receipt of all this stuff started tumbling around in my brain. My mother had written me off. Newspaper clippings, pictures of me, the few pictures she had of my boy. All sent back to me.

So my mother has written me off. I never did email him (after his initial response to the news and at his refusal to come to the funeral), but my ex-husband never even cared enough to contact me to find out how his son died. I don't understand people. I never will understand people.

And so it goes..............
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