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Old 04-19-2015, 11:59 AM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,586,167 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
When my husband died, I got dozens of cards from people at church, friends, relatives and calls, too, mostly from relatives. I did not, however, keep a list or tally them up. If someone failed to send a condolence, I would not have noticed. I appreciated the ones I got. My mind was so lost in grief, why would I care if this or that person didn't send a card? I can't understand why anyone would care about that kind of minutia at the time of such loss.
Sorry for the loss of your husband, but this isn't about keeping score.

Please don't tell me that if you didn't hear from a long time friend or a close friend of your husbands that you wouldn't notice at some point, because you would.

It's not just about not sending a card, after the loss there are people who don't bother to call you to see how you're doing or ask you to go out for coffee or lunch.

Yes, there are people who do, but the shocking thing is many times it's not the people you think it will be or should be.

But to say you wouldn't notice if a long time friend or relative never contacted you isn't true. If the death is unexpected or even if it is expected(you still have the wind knocked out of you either way) of course you're focused on the passing. But as time goes on it wouldn't be human to wonder why didn't I hear from Tom and Linda, we have been friends for 25 years? To say you wouldn't be hurt if this happened is just lying to yourself.


And this nonsense about them not knowing what to say or they find it too upsetting, is just that nonsense.

If they find it too upsetting, how do they think the people who experienced the direct loss feel?
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Old 04-19-2015, 08:10 PM
 
3,952 posts, read 5,235,364 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Sorry for the loss of your husband, but this isn't about keeping score.

Please don't tell me that if you didn't hear from a long time friend or a close friend of your husbands that you wouldn't notice at some point, because you would.

It's not just about not sending a card, after the loss there are people who don't bother to call you to see how you're doing or ask you to go out for coffee or lunch.

Yes, there are people who do, but the shocking thing is many times it's not the people you think it will be or should be.

But to say you wouldn't notice if a long time friend or relative never contacted you isn't true. If the death is unexpected or even if it is expected(you still have the wind knocked out of you either way) of course you're focused on the passing. But as time goes on it wouldn't be human to wonder why didn't I hear from Tom and Linda, we have been friends for 25 years? To say you wouldn't be hurt if this happened is just lying to yourself.

And this nonsense about them not knowing what to say or they find it too upsetting, is just that nonsense.

If they find it too upsetting, how do they think the people who experienced the direct loss feel?
I agree that people who say it is too upsetting to visit, send a card, etc. are being self indulgent. But I would appreciate it if you would not tell me (or anyone else) how I must feel, or that my statement "isn't true." Are you charging me with dishonesty? It is the height of hubris for you to tell a stranger that what they feel is wrong. Everyone does not think like you. And to make a statement that I am "lying to myself" is just plain rude. You need to take a look at how you judge other people.
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Old 04-20-2015, 06:34 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,333 posts, read 18,088,667 times
Reputation: 18699
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
I agree that people who say it is too upsetting to visit, send a card, etc. are being self indulgent. But I would appreciate it if you would not tell me (or anyone else) how I must feel, or that my statement "isn't true." Are you charging me with dishonesty? It is the height of hubris for you to tell a stranger that what they feel is wrong. Everyone does not think like you. And to make a statement that I am "lying to myself" is just plain rude. You need to take a look at how you judge other people.
I was going to fire off a rebuttal yesterday to that person, Grasshopper, but decided not to until I saw your reaction. It was not my place. You were much more polite than I would have been.
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Old 10-01-2015, 10:17 AM
 
1 posts, read 950 times
Reputation: 15
My mom died 3 weeks ago....she suffered for over a year with dementia...my friends heard about my trips back and forth to florida to see her while she went through her transition...entered hospice and passed on....when she died, only one of these friends reached out to ask what she could send or do....i received texts and phone calls from others, but no other condolence cards, etc....do texts now replace sympathy cards? Because the funeral was out of state, no one was obligated to attend the funeral, i was alone there with my dad....so why am i so hurt and sad by what feels like a "loss" of friends. I've been there for all of them through losses and tough times. I think I've made the assumption that even a sympathy card is the least I can do when I hear someone has died....are my expectations too high? I have accepted my Mothers passing...she is out of pain from her illness...but I can't move on from the realization that what I thought were great friends, have let me down at what I consider to be one of our biggest loses in life....that of our mothers....I need some clarity or acceptance...and wish this didn't sound so judgmental....I guess it was a fantasy that when my mom passed, I thought my friends would rally around me....
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Old 10-01-2015, 02:11 PM
 
Location: I'm around here someplace :)
3,633 posts, read 4,242,237 times
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When my father died, the only people who expressed condolences were two online friends.

When my mother died, shortly after I'd reestablished contact with many cousins on her side of the family, only one cousin said anything.
Also, the funeral home had an online 'guest book' or whatever it's called, and a guy who'd known my entire family and spent a lot of time at our house when we were all kids posted a sympathy note directly to one of my brothers and his wife by name, leaving out my eldest brother and myself. I was somewhere between this and this .
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Old 10-03-2015, 06:12 AM
Status: "I am so Happy but not Gay" (set 26 days ago)
 
225 posts, read 104,524 times
Reputation: 373
I have an estranged cousin and his wife, Hal and Patti, who not only didn't send me a condolence when my Mother died, even though I know they knew about her death, but had the nerve to send Christmas greetings afterward, and also high school graduation announcements for their two kids later on.

Hal lost his Mother about 3 years before I lost mine, and Patti has lost both of her parents since I lost my Mother, and Patti is always making public posts on Facebook about how much she misses her parents.

For a long time I just ignored them, hoping they would finally stop, but at Christmas, 2012 I finally lost it and wrote them back, telling them what I thought of their antics, and they seem to have stopped.
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Old 10-25-2015, 01:35 AM
 
Location: Arkansas
1,229 posts, read 2,763,741 times
Reputation: 1550
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avalon08 View Post
I just wanted to know if any of you experienced anything like this when you lost a loved one:

My Mom died in Feb. I'm an only child but have a ton of cousins. One cousin lives cross-country, but she was always very solicitous of my Mom, even coming to stay with her for a week when she was sick and I couldn't be there, sending her flowers occasionally, etc. However....I did not hear one word from her when my Mom died. When I posted on FB that my Mom was gravely ill, she commented "Nooooo!". After that, I heard nothing. No call, no sympathy card, not even a FB message....nothing. I thought maybe she was just in denial, so despite not hearing from her, I sent her the "funeral packet" (obituary, Mass booklet, holy card, eulogy). No acknowledgement. Weird, huh?

I have a friend whom I don't see much anymore, but we usually send each other birthday cards and catch up by phone maybe once a year or so. I texted her when my Mom died. No response. A few months later, I sent her a birthday card and mentioned that my Mom had died -- nothing. I know she knows, because she told another friend, who promptly sent me a sympathy card. Am I right to feel offended? I'm thinking no more birthday cards for her, if she can't even acknowledge the death of my mother.

I am the type of person who calls, visits, attends funerals, sends cards, etc. I can't imagine why these two have not contacted me at all, other than perhaps they have a really hard time dealing with death. However, it still ticks me off. Anyone else have this type of experience?
I experienced this with many of my "friends" when my Dad recently passed and honestly it has kind of changed my feeling/opinions of them and our friendship. The person who I consider to be my best friend did responded with an "I'm sorry" to my text that my dad had died but that was pretty much it. The day before the funeral she sent me a text asking "Do you want flowers"? I didnt really know what to say to this so I just said that was up to her. While I didn't want her to feel obligated I also felt as being my closest friend that shouldn't even have been a question. On the day of the funeral she sent me a text stating "I hope your not mad that I am not at the funeral but I am just not good at funerals" (as if anyone is "good" at funerals). Again I didnt know what to say to this so I just ignored it. Several of my other friends simply said nothing or just commented on my Facebook post instead of contacting me personally. Maybe I was expecting to much? Since my Dad's passing in July I find that I am pulling away from these people more and more due to my anger.
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Old 10-25-2015, 10:48 AM
 
Location: Portlandia "burbs"
10,236 posts, read 13,497,830 times
Reputation: 25856
My daughter died a long time ago, and there was such a deluge of people at the funeral service - many that I didn't even know - that I was not bothered by who wasn't there. I was a little surprised that a couple of my good friends didn't attend the service but they were very helpful to me in the days before, so I can't say I was disappointed either. Cards and flowers were overwhelming. But this was before the days of FB and texting. You showed your condolences in one personal way or the other, or not at all.

Now, I was appalled by my brother's behavior when his wife died a few years ago. He expected everybody on earth to be there, and I had to explain in detail why my non-Catholic husband did not want to attend the rosary service the night before the funeral. His neighbors were scheduled to fly out of town for vacation on the morning of the funeral, and he managed to shame them into re-scheduling. Doing that probably cost them a good amount of money, and I thought his self-centeredness was shameful. He also stayed mad for a long time because their PCP didn't send condolences of some kind, and I think he changed doctors over it.
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Old 10-25-2015, 07:13 PM
 
Location: Arizona
5,572 posts, read 4,763,215 times
Reputation: 16469
Quote:
Originally Posted by sherrenee View Post
I experienced this with many of my "friends" when my Dad recently passed and honestly it has kind of changed my feeling/opinions of them and our friendship. The person who I consider to be my best friend did responded with an "I'm sorry" to my text that my dad had died but that was pretty much it. The day before the funeral she sent me a text asking "Do you want flowers"? I didnt really know what to say to this so I just said that was up to her. While I didn't want her to feel obligated I also felt as being my closest friend that shouldn't even have been a question. On the day of the funeral she sent me a text stating "I hope your not mad that I am not at the funeral but I am just not good at funerals" (as if anyone is "good" at funerals). Again I didnt know what to say to this so I just ignored it. Several of my other friends simply said nothing or just commented on my Facebook post instead of contacting me personally. Maybe I was expecting to much? Since my Dad's passing in July I find that I am pulling away from these people more and more due to my anger.
So sorry about your Dad. It is times like these that you find out who your friends are.
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Old 10-26-2015, 10:15 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,586,167 times
Reputation: 33226
Quote:
Originally Posted by sherrenee View Post
I experienced this with many of my "friends" when my Dad recently passed and honestly it has kind of changed my feeling/opinions of them and our friendship. The person who I consider to be my best friend did responded with an "I'm sorry" to my text that my dad had died but that was pretty much it. The day before the funeral she sent me a text asking "Do you want flowers"? I didnt really know what to say to this so I just said that was up to her. While I didn't want her to feel obligated I also felt as being my closest friend that shouldn't even have been a question. On the day of the funeral she sent me a text stating "I hope your not mad that I am not at the funeral but I am just not good at funerals" (as if anyone is "good" at funerals). Again I didnt know what to say to this so I just ignored it. Several of my other friends simply said nothing or just commented on my Facebook post instead of contacting me personally. Maybe I was expecting to much? Since my Dad's passing in July I find that I am pulling away from these people more and more due to my anger.
Sorry for the loss of your dad.

Wow, is all I can say.

No phone call or coming over to see you? Shameful.

How self absorbed of her, you go to the funeral to support the immediate family. It's not about what you're "good at", same nonsense with "I don't like hospitals", well neither does the person in the hospital bed.

I sort of experienced the same thing when my dad passed. From some of his so called "friends", they all knew me, had gone out to dinner, had been to their homes. I only heard from long time friends out of state, but the locals not a call or a card.

The only advice I can give you is focus on the people who did extend themselves to you, even if they're people you don't know well, who said a kind word to you.

Again, sorry for your loss.
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