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Old 12-03-2012, 02:05 PM
 
Location: Not where I want to be
24,509 posts, read 24,083,432 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
My mom passed away in July and this will be my first-ever Christmas without her. I am dealing with it by not putting up a Christmas tree, lights or thinking much about the event. I'm trying to pretend the holiday season is not approaching and it's just an ordinary time of year.This works for me to some extent. I still take comfort in listening to the Christmas songs I listened to thousands of times with her. It makes me melancholy and sad, but it also brings me a sort of comfort as well.

Whatever works for you to any small degree, do it. It's not easy for any of us dealing with the grief, but I do believe that time eventually heals all wounds. Even the death of a cherished loved one.
Yes, I believe time heals most wounds but the death of a loved one seems like more of "getting used to it", IMO. Maybe it's the same thing, IDK. I have, truly gotten over romances I thought I would die when we broke up but this.....I don't think I will be TRULY OVER my husband's death for as long as I live. I feel like I am just "coping" and "getting used" to being by myself. There doesn't seem to be a minute that he is not on my mind. Even when I'm not thinking of him, he's there in the deep reccess of my mind. I can almost "feel" him in there. Maybe I'm regressing, IDK. Maybe it's the season. I just know I am happiest alone, in my house where I don't have to "fake it" for anything. I'm not a total recluse but I sure enjoy my solitude whereas before, I'd go out for no reason, just to go out. Going out seems to be a burden now. I'd rather stay here on my 'puter or watching tv and my only company being my animals.

Ani, wonderful post again. I forget, are you a professional? You sound so wise.
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Old 12-04-2012, 09:39 AM
 
Location: prescott az
6,954 posts, read 11,981,982 times
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So, this will be the first Christmas I have not flown back to IL to be with my Mom. She passed Aug. 18 at age 102. While I am grateful for not having to travel during the holiday, I will miss the tradition we fostered togethered for so many years. She had a wonderful useful sharing life and she is in a good place now. I am coping with Christmas by trying to form some goals and plans for the new year. Things I have always wanted to do. Sorta like my "bucket list". And I fully intend to do them after this holiday is over. I write them down so they become cemented in my mind. It helps me cope.
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Old 12-04-2012, 11:23 AM
 
7,492 posts, read 11,773,599 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by taulery View Post
I am having a hard time dealing with the Christmas season. I know it's just beginning, but certain songs just bring back memories. I find myself freezing in elevators, or even grocery stores, when I here these songs. I keep seeing people who have passed and it makes me so sad. Does anyone have suggestions as to how to get through the holidays without crying?
I'm sorry to hear that. They've been playing Christmas music at my work and there are a few songs that almost bring me to tears because my family will never be all together again. All I can tell you is to try to distract yourself. For me, Family Guy pictures and snippets help me right away. I hope things get better for you.
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Old 12-04-2012, 11:41 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,879 posts, read 77,077,446 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Yes, I believe time heals most wounds but the death of a loved one seems like more of "getting used to it", IMO. Maybe it's the same thing, IDK. I have, truly gotten over romances I thought I would die when we broke up but this.....I don't think I will be TRULY OVER my husband's death for as long as I live. I feel like I am just "coping" and "getting used" to being by myself. There doesn't seem to be a minute that he is not on my mind. Even when I'm not thinking of him, he's there in the deep reccess of my mind. I can almost "feel" him in there. Maybe I'm regressing, IDK. Maybe it's the season. I just know I am happiest alone, in my house where I don't have to "fake it" for anything. I'm not a total recluse but I sure enjoy my solitude whereas before, I'd go out for no reason, just to go out. Going out seems to be a burden now. I'd rather stay here on my 'puter or watching tv and my only company being my animals.

Ani, wonderful post again. I forget, are you a professional? You sound so wise.
As someone very wise once said to me . . . "no one can accept the unacceptable . . . all we can do is learn to live beside our grief, rather than within it."

You should not expect yourself to ever "get over losing your husband" and no one else should expect you to do that, either. We can't "get over" such a loss. We can learn to accept it and live beside it and move forward in our lives, whatever that individually means for each of us.

I personally think that being in the space that makes you feel closest to your husband is not unusual at all. My aunt turned 96 this summer and has been widowed for over 25 years now . . . and says she gets great comfort from living in the home they built together, landscaped together . . . and feels her husband's presence there. She says she even looks at the trees he planted - and how they have grown - and it feels like a testament to his life with her on that property.

Each of us has to find his/her own comfort zone, and things fall into place with time. That is what it means to live "beside" our grief. At times, you may find you feel like flying outside the nest and when you do, that will be the right thing for you to do. But for now, if that nest feels like the right place to be, and you are comforted within that space, then go with it! Experiment! See what feels right for you at this holiday season. Just don't feel pushed. Do what feels right and at your own pace.

Thank you for your kind words. I am a writer by profession and specialize in medical and behavioral healthcare and gerontology and am a licensed nursing home administrator (but am not currently engaged in that field). I grew up in a ministerial family and so have been interested in the process of grieving (and how to comfort the grief-stricken) since a child, when the four year old sister of a childhood friend fought a long battle with leukemia and died. The impact it had on the entire community was profound; the grief my friend at 7 felt was gripping and I so wanted to console him. We spent many hours discussing his sister's life and illness . . . and eventually, her death. This was when I first wrestled with "accepting the unacceptable."

Some people will move on in ways that others can readily see . . . they change various elements in their lives. They may relocate. They may remarry. Others will move on in ways we cannot readily see. It seems the world thinks we have not grieved properly and "moved on" if we don't make big changes in our lifestyle. Maybe we never were that socially inclined! Maybe we always preferred creating a quiet life with our partner. There is no handbook on what is right for you, as an individual, in coping with loss. There are guidelines that would suggest when we are becoming depressed and can't overcome the depression . . . but if we are progressing in our acceptance of our loss and finding comfort zones during that process - even if others cannot "see" our milestones - then we are moving on and learning to live beside our loss. It is not consuming us; we are coping and growing and finding what works for us at that point in time.

And that is healthy!

Holidays have a way of putting anyone who is grieving into a pressure pot! The world can impinge upon us . . . best to have some coping strategies in place before testing things out with the world, especially with a loss that is still so new.
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Old 12-04-2012, 12:54 PM
 
Location: Not where I want to be
24,509 posts, read 24,083,432 times
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You are so welcome, ani. I just knew you had to have experience in this relmn (sp?). Your words calm down my aggitated spirit when need be. In my mind I hear you and it sounds like a rippling stream, so calm and soothing. (((HUGS)))
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Old 12-04-2012, 03:12 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,879 posts, read 77,077,446 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
You are so welcome, ani. I just knew you had to have experience in this relmn (sp?). Your words calm down my aggitated spirit when need be. In my mind I hear you and it sounds like a rippling stream, so calm and soothing. (((HUGS)))
I am humbled and grateful that you let me know this. If I made one person feel understood, appreciated, honored and acknowledged, then it has been a good day. ((((((big hugs)))))
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Old 12-04-2012, 03:54 PM
 
Location: New York State, USA
142 posts, read 251,325 times
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Thank you, all of you for your responses.

I tried going for a walk last evening along a path that I used to walk with my mom. I found myslef talking with her and then I started to cry. Just then, a man called to me. he was sitting a bench. He admirred the warm weather and we got to talking. After a few minutes, he started to cry. It's almost two years since his college-age son killed himself. Suddenly, I was comforting a total stranger whho will never have his son again.

I will try these suggestions here. I know I won't be putting up a tree this year. But will put up a lighted decoration "box" --- it's a glass window filled with lights. It'll be brighter than a tree.

I like the idea of birds, too. There's a pisture of birds I've been meaning to frame, so I'll do that, too.

And the volunteering is a good one. Since cancer is the big taker, I'll be going bacck to the cancer hospital in our area. There's lots of children there who could use some help. A friend said she'd go with me starting this Friday.

And the music, well, maybe it's that the old familiar tunes remind me too much and it hurts to remember. yes, I've found that I grit my teeth to get through the day and cry in my pillow at night.

But that man at the aprk last evening took my sorrow a bit away. As I hugged him and gave him some tissues from my purse, I said that we both came by the park to think of someone who died.

We all go through this loss and I'm not alone. Thanks all.
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Old 12-04-2012, 05:22 PM
 
Location: Not where I want to be
24,509 posts, read 24,083,432 times
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That is absolutely wonderful, taulery. God sent YOU to that man to give him comfort and help yourself at the same time. That man will never forget the kind stranger whom he shared with last night.

As soon as I posted on another berevement site because IDK this place exsisted or maybe it didn't at that particular moment, I was washed with feeling so good about trying to help another person who was grieving like myself. I didn't "connect" with those people and didn't try to either.

I betcha all of us are made feeling a tad better at least, by sharing with each other here. It's almost "magical" in here, with us making the "magic" for each other.

That was so awesome of you last night, taulery. (((HUGS)))
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Old 12-04-2012, 05:24 PM
 
10,102 posts, read 19,297,579 times
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Get an ipod thing, download some non-Christmas music, something that doesn't provoke any memories, emotions, etc, and get some really good headphones, ones that block out any background noises. Play that when sentimental Christmas music comes on. think of it as an "emergency" device.

My mother died the day before Thanksgiving....it was 20 years ago, but still hurts. all that Christmas music still triggers memories of her untimely death. Just find ways to cope......

I wish that worn-tired suggestion of volunteering in a soup kitchen would drop! Such places would make one even more depressed. The idea to go stare at "those less fortunate" is somehow sick, in my opinion. But I do like the idea of going somewhere new, so you don't have past memory triggers, such as a new church, etc. Remember, the first holiday after the death of a loved one is the hardest. then, well....you get used to it....hang in there!
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Old 12-04-2012, 06:39 PM
 
2,728 posts, read 5,341,103 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by taulery View Post
I am having a hard time dealing with the Christmas season. I know it's just beginning, but certain songs just bring back memories. I find myself freezing in elevators, or even grocery stores, when I here these songs. I keep seeing people who have passed and it makes me so sad. Does anyone have suggestions as to how to get through the holidays without crying?
Why are you trying to go through the holidays without crying? This is part of the grief cycle that you have to pass through, and suppressing it will cause bigger problems down the road.

Accept and own the tears, accept and own the feelings driving them, and slog your way through. It will get better over time.
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