How often do you dream of your deceased mom or dad?
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I lost my father at a young age, and missed out on a lot because of it. It's been so long now, but I do dream from time to time about him. It's a wound that gets a lot easier with time, but is still there with you when a thought or memory reopens it. I found this article and thought it was so touching. Us women/girls who are fatherless can relate.
What It Means To Date A Girl Without A Father
Ari Eastman
It will not seem different at first. You will do the things all new couples do: joke and share silly stories. Laugh louder than you ever anticipated. Laugh harder. You get drunk off fingertips and innocent touches, like when she lingers on your shoulder for just a beat longer. She kisses you like you are the first person she has ever kissed, and it will keep you up at night, in the best way possible. Everything is fun and exciting. She will do whatever she can to make sure it is fun. She needs it to be fun. Exciting. Light. She knows darkness already too well.
She will be careful in her words. You notice she never says “parents” and looks away when someone mentions their father. You are consumed with a strange, irrational guilt when you answer a phone call from your dad. It feels dirty, like a secret that will unravel this ethereal happiness you’ve built together.
She does not flinch when someone asks about her family. She has memorized this back and forth. You wonder how many times she has regurgitated the same script. Her voice never breaks. There is not even the smallest crack. You picture her standing in front of her bathroom mirror, practicing what she will say when someone asks about her dad. You will wonder, was there a time when she couldn’t even spit out the words? Did she choke on her own grief? Are you capable of being with someone so guarded?
She will share small moments with you that do not seem like much of anything. She tells you about that one Halloween when her dog ate almost all of her candy and was still miraculously completely fine. “Dad was so scared. He slept near her all night in case we had to rush her to the vet.” You will kiss her forehead, and she will direct your hands to hold her. She has never asked to be held. Do not underestimate how monumental this is. This is her slowly lowering the shield she has spent years crafting. This is her trusting you.
She will shy away from discussing problems. She tiptoes when you wish she would just walk. You don’t understand how someone so feisty, so full of opinions and fire, can go mute when confrontation approaches. She is flight when you would have been sure she’d fight. You get too close, things get too real, and she runs. She has tennis shoes on stand by.
A girl without a father does not want to create waves because she has been underwater longer than she cares to explain. She is not a pushover, though you may push and ask why she is so scared of doing something, anything, that will upset someone. You ask how she can be so brave on paper, but so scared of talking to someone face-to-face. She will deflect and bite back with sarcasm. She self-deprecates, calls herself messed up like it’s as casual as her first name. You will think maybe this is it. Maybe she will never be honest with you.
Here is the truth: it should not be surprising that conflict makes her skin crawl. It should not be absurd that she will passively sit by, figure out the best way to avoid saying anything that will put a riff between her and someone she loves, because people can ****ing leave. And that is the most terrifying thing she has ever learned. If the only man she ever truly needed left when she was not done needing him, it is fair game for anyone else to decide it’s not worth it.
For anyone else to decide she’s not worth it.
But none of that will spill out very easily. She doesn’t want these labels: The one with abandonment issues. The one who keeps you at a distance. The one looking to fill a void. The fatherless girl. She does not want your pity.
When you date a girl without a father, you need to understand you will not always understand. And if she is worth it, love her anyway. And love her all the way.
""Here is the truth: it should not be surprising that conflict makes her skin crawl. It should not be absurd that she will passively sit by, figure out the best way to avoid saying anything that will put a riff between her and someone she loves, because people can ****ing leave. And that is the most terrifying thing she has ever learned. If the only man she ever truly needed left when she was not done needing him, it is fair game for anyone else to decide it’s not worth it.""
""Here is the truth: it should not be surprising that conflict makes her skin crawl. It should not be absurd that she will passively sit by, figure out the best way to avoid saying anything that will put a riff between her and someone she loves, because people can ****ing leave. And that is the most terrifying thing she has ever learned. If the only man she ever truly needed left when she was not done needing him, it is fair game for anyone else to decide it’s not worth it.""
Hi gouligann,
You're welcome! I hope you soon find it easier to cope with some of these feelings/emotions. It's been so long for me that it's easier now, although sometimes the little girl I once was comes back to haunt me.
Wow, I really enjoyed reading everyone's post. I'm lucky for now, as I moved back to the city where both my parents live. My dad is 73 (and doesn't look healthy lately) and my mother who just turned 70. It's been five years here and really enjoyed the peacefulness with them-but next year, I know I need to move to a bigger city for jobs. I read everyone's post and realize how important it is to just enjoy them now. I have notice how they both have slowed down and it makes me sad.
Wow, I really enjoyed reading everyone's post. I'm lucky for now, as I moved back to the city where both my parents live. My dad is 73 (and doesn't look healthy lately) and my mother who just turned 70. It's been five years here and really enjoyed the peacefulness with them-but next year, I know I need to move to a bigger city for jobs. I read everyone's post and realize how important it is to just enjoy them now. I have notice how they both have slowed down and it makes me sad.
Thanks to everyone who posted..it was lovely.
That's nice to hear. I hope you have many more years to enjoy spending quality time with them!
For the past week or so, I have dreamt about my mother EVERY NIGHT! She wasn't the focus of the dream-she was just there. I guess she wants me to know that she is still with me.
Is is common to dream of a mom or dad who has passed away? Has this happened to anyone else?
My cousin asked me this same question last summer after her mom (my aunt) passed away. My own mother has been deceased for almost 10 years now. Here's my experience: yes, she is in my dreams fairly frequently. At first immediately after her death, her appearance was sporadic and in my dreams, I would react to her appearance with shock, surprise, and happiness, due to the realization that she was deceased and not supposed to be back. Then I would always wake up and realize that she'd never actually came back, and I would get very upset and depressed. Over the years, my mom started appearing in my dreams in a way where my "dream self" didn't realize she'd already died, and I reacted to her naturally as if she was still alive and involved in my life; instead of her sticking out as a character in my dream who'd miraculously "came back," she now exists in my dream as a fairly recurrent character who still lives a regular life. Does that make sense at all? Just the other day I had a dream that had her and my paternal grandmother (who's been deceased for damn near 20 years now). The funny thing is, I was more surprised and shocked at seeing my grandmother driving a car in my dream LOL (she stopped driving in the last 10 yrs or so of her life) than I was at seeing her "reappear" 20 yrs after her death. (Likewise, in my dream I also didn't realize how absurd it was for my grandmother to be driving her giant boat of a car up into the backyard of my parents' house either hahahaha).
I lost my mom in July and I dream about her almost every night. In my dreams nothing unusual or dramatic happens, she is just in the dream. Sometimes talking to me or just standing around. I feel comforted in some ways by these dreams because it's like I see her again, but then I am sometimes sad when I wake up because I know she is gone forever.
Is is common to dream of a mom or dad who has passed away? Has this happened to anyone else?
My mother died 2 yrs ago. My grandmother 3. I keep seeing them almost every night if not every night. I was very close to both of them. These dreams are very vivid. I am not afraid. The setting is the same, our house. It's like they haven't passed away. I feel comforted too and some kind of warmth. I am not sad when I wake up but happy. I have my own explanation about this. I believe they are protecting me. People tell me it's rare.
I have had two dreams about him so far. Neither was earth shaking. In both, he was not the focus, but he was there, and the dream was pleasant. It was like Cat said - like he just wanted me to know he's still around and still interested in my life and still loving me.
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Over the years, my mom started appearing in my dreams in a way where my "dream self" didn't realize she'd already died, and I reacted to her naturally as if she was still alive and involved in my life; instead of her sticking out as a character in my dream who'd miraculously "came back," she now exists in my dream as a fairly recurrent character who still lives a regular life. Does that make sense at all? Just the other day I had a dream that had her and my paternal grandmother (who's been deceased for damn near 20 years now). The funny thing is, I was more surprised and shocked at seeing my grandmother driving a car in my dream LOL (she stopped driving in the last 10 yrs or so of her life) than I was at seeing her "reappear" 20 yrs after her death. (Likewise, in my dream I also didn't realize how absurd it was for my grandmother to be driving her giant boat of a car up into the backyard of my parents' house either hahahaha).
